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comedy, commentary, Humor, offbeat, satire

Manscaping: Be All the Ken You Can Be

Male mannequin with light skin in store display

Image by Horia Varlan via Flickr

Having seen the TV ad, and realizing that this was what I had needed all along – if I was ever to be as fully manscaped as a Ken Doll – I ran home from the tanning salon, inspected my arms, armpits, legs, chest, and crotch, for any offending hints of even the appearance of a hair, showered, blow-dried, gelled and styled my coif, (I do think my side-swept textured fringe style is way cool), spritzed on some Drakkar Noir, and ran out to purchase the brand new Gillette GA-I 100 razor – the Gillette Anal-Ist, the next generation of the Gillette Crevisatyr. Now I could finally achieve the dizzying new heights of uber manliness I could have heretofore only dreamed of. Now I would be able to be the very epitome of what it means to be a man – today. I had splurged and got the Deluxe model Anal-Ist, which comes with a goose-neck rear view mirror, and at last I had all the tools I needed to be as attractive and masculine as any guy swanning about looking at himself in store windows could be. I could finally achieve complete body baldness. I too could look like a low-testosterone filled boiled chicken. I could finally erase all vestige of every body man hair I possessed. I already owned the Gillette Brow-Beater 100 (the GB-B 100), the combo nostril/ear shaver – the Gillette Nosear/aser (the G-No No’s 100), also known affectionately as the No Hairy Nares, the Gillette “Olive” model – the De Pitter (the GDP 100), the Gillette Back-Away (the GB-A 100), the Gillette buttocks shaver the bUNSHorn (the G/BUNS 100), the Gillette No-GRO/IN (the GNG-R 100), and it’s companion piece, the Gillette Testicle/aner (the GT/a 100) – also listed in the Gillette catalogue as the “S/ACumen”, the Gillette S-Pec-Tator Sport (the G-S-P-S 100), the Gillette LEG/end/Dis-ARM combo (the GLenDA-C 100), and the Gillette Taint-a-Lizer (the GT-A-L 100 Deluxe – known to aficionados as “The Pucker Plucker”), which comes with attached laser beam light and magnifying mirror for close-up work. I had it all. I couldn’t wait to get home, get back into my bathroom, lather up, and become the man that Ken is, and has always been – Today’s real man.

And, in view of it being the Halloween nite, I will be going trick or treating wearing a full body condom as I am going as Rush Limbaugh, a sad excuse for a man who, no doubt, has a teeny little willie, yet is a guy who is one of America’s biggest, and fattest, pricks.

©tony powers and Barking in the Dark, 2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to tony powers and Barking in the Dark with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

About barkinginthedark

Tony Powers is a writer/actor/musician. His full bio may be seen by clicking on the picture, and then clicking on either of the 2 boxes below it.

Discussion

22 thoughts on “Manscaping: Be All the Ken You Can Be

  1. A poll? I like a little hair. Completely hairless creeps me out.

    Posted by lisahgolden | November 3, 2011, 12:18 am
  2. ewww…of course, i too like a good shot of hot wax on my asshole every now and then…nothing like it eh? :-) also, when i go to the car wash, as the car is going thru, i stick my arse out the window , spread my cheeks, and get a good spray of the car wash hot wax up there – kills two buttocks with one spray. i do not get today’s “modern” man. i wonder if the ladies actually like the “ken” look. maybe i’ll take a poll. thanx for the ALWAYS interesting comment Noeleen. continue…

    Posted by barkinginthedark | November 3, 2011, 12:16 am
  3. ewwww. the mannequin look. yes, i too enjoy a nice smear of hot wax on my asshole every now and then :-) in fact i go to the car wash, and as my car is going thru, i lean out the window and spread my ass cheeks so as to get some of that good hot wax up there…y’know – kill two buttocks with one spray – as it were. i understand today’s modern man. i wonder if ladies like the no hair, nowhere look? i may have to take a poll. continue…

    Posted by barkinginthedark | November 3, 2011, 12:10 am
  4. Oh sweet lord. The Pucker Plucker?! No, noooo!!! And then you hit me with the Rush Limbaugh visual?

    This should have come with a beverage alert. My poor keyboard.

    Posted by Averil Dean | November 2, 2011, 1:32 am
    • i had to interrupt shaving my legs to “approve” this comment…but i’m here lather and all. thanks AD, i always appreciate hearing from you – in fact i just left a comment re your truth or dare post…pure genius that. going back to my Gillette LegEnd 100…oooh my leg and a half is sooo smooth. continue…

      Posted by barkinginthedark | November 2, 2011, 4:21 am
  5. Hahahahahaha!! I agree, shaving every orifice of your body is not something I, as a woman, find attractive. I like a man with hairy arms and calluses on his hands. But, it would definitely be nice if I’m not able to braid your chest hair. That’s a no-no.

    Did you hear about the new, tattooed Barbie that has come out?

    http://ibnlive.in.com/news/popular-tattooed-barbie-causes-controversy/196655-2.html

    Of COURSE there’s been an outcry from hundreds of parents, complaining that the tattoos and pink hair are a bad influence on their children. Because, up until now, Barbie’s tiny waist and bleach blond hair made her a GREAT role model for young girls!

    Meh, forget ‘em. I love tattooed Barbie. She’s more my style.

    Posted by Nicole Marie | November 1, 2011, 10:43 pm
  6. You’re a scream. You really make me laugh by the way you write :). I had a Ken doll once – and a Barbie. All so very perfect.

    Posted by wordsfallfrommyeyes | November 1, 2011, 10:59 am
    • to approach even more of their inner “Ken-ness” these “new” men might also consider cutting off their junk…ewww…owww…ohhhh…thanx for reading, for laughing, (very important that), and for the props Noeleen, they’re ALWAYS appreciated. continue…

      Posted by barkinginthedark | November 1, 2011, 8:35 pm
  7. We humans have such a love hate relationship with hair. I want to be a person who says it’s all all right so let’s stop the madness. Then I remember the time I saw hair epaulets on a shirtless man, and I go into “it’s all okay except for…” mode.

    I know. I’m slapping my own wrist right now.

    Posted by Sparks In Shadow | November 1, 2011, 6:21 am
    • well don’t slap anything. i certainly do agree that the hair epaulets is a damn good reason to depilitate that shit…or don’t ever take your shirt off, even in the shower – it’s not an appetizing look. but i think we’re both tawkin’ about the modern metrosexual dude who shaves his chest hair, armpits, and pubic hair clean off. i dunno, to me that’s an ewwwww. thanks Re, for reading and commenting. continue…

      Posted by barkinginthedark | November 1, 2011, 6:34 am
  8. The funny part is you can be either or… look like a wolf in heat or shaved cleaner than a boiled egg!

    No in between

    Posted by fivej | October 31, 2011, 9:23 pm
  9. Fair is fair. Welcome to our world, my dear. Actually, I loved the humor with which you wrote this. Now I’m off for that Brazilian I scheduled last week.

    One other thing . . . who on earth came up with the term . . . manscape?

    Posted by Miss Demure Restraint | October 31, 2011, 3:58 am
  10. OK, I actually LOL’d at the Pucker Plucker! :)

    (I’d suggest waxing to help with all that stubble, but I guess Ken has to have a little something there that stands on end!)

    Posted by Janece | October 31, 2011, 2:33 am
  11. I’m dying here! DYING.

    I don’t know how I got so busy that I missed the cultural memo stating that Alopecia had become an desired trait. Except for the top of the head, of course.

    I mean, good god, you’d think that picking a hair off one’s tongue had become the scourge of the planet.

    Posted by Lisa Golden | October 30, 2011, 9:20 pm

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Pingback: Wisegeek.com says the “intense pungency of the cheese” can foul some people’s appetites, while others revel in it « WordsFallFromMyEyes - March 26, 2012

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