Having seen the TV ad, and realizing that this was what I had needed all along – if I was ever to be as fully manscaped as a Ken Doll – I ran home from the tanning salon, inspected my arms, armpits, legs, chest, and crotch, for any offending hints of even the appearance of a hair, showered, blow-dried, gelled and styled my coif, (I do think my side-swept textured fringe style is way cool), spritzed on some Drakkar Noir, and ran out to purchase the brand new Gillette GA-I 100 razor – the Gillette Anal-Ist, the next generation of the Gillette Crevisatyr. Now I could finally achieve the dizzying new heights of uber manliness I could have heretofore only dreamed of. Now I would be able to be the very epitome of what it means to be a man – today. I had splurged and got the Deluxe model Anal-Ist, which comes with a goose-neck rear view mirror, and at last I had all the tools I needed to be as attractive and masculine as any guy swanning about looking at himself in store windows could be. I could finally achieve complete body baldness. I too could look like a low-testosterone filled boiled chicken. I could finally erase all vestige of every body man hair I possessed. I already owned the Gillette Brow-Beater 100 (the GB-B 100), the combo nostril/ear shaver – the Gillette Nosear/aser (the G-No No’s 100), also known affectionately as the No Hairy Nares, the Gillette “Olive” model – the De Pitter (the GDP 100), the Gillette Back-Away (the GB-A 100), the Gillette buttocks shaver the bUNSHorn (the G/BUNS 100), the Gillette No-GRO/IN (the GNG-R 100), and it’s companion piece, the Gillette Testicle/aner (the GT/a 100) – also listed in the Gillette catalogue as the “S/ACumen”, the Gillette S-Pec-Tator Sport (the G-S-P-S 100), the Gillette LEG/end/Dis-ARM combo (the GLenDA-C 100), and the Gillette Taint-a-Lizer (the GT-A-L 100 Deluxe – known to aficionados as “The Pucker Plucker”), which comes with attached laser beam light and magnifying mirror for close-up work. I had it all. I couldn’t wait to get home, get back into my bathroom, lather up, and become the man that Ken is, and has always been – Today’s real man.
And, in view of it being the Halloween nite, I will be going trick or treating wearing a full body condom as I am going as Rush Limbaugh, a sad excuse for a man who, no doubt, has a teeny little willie, yet is a guy who is one of America’s biggest, and fattest, pricks.
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