Barking in the Dark has recently had the rare privilege of receiving an advance copy of the questions that moderator Donald Trump will be posing to the Republican candidates in their upcoming December 27th debate in Des Moines, Iowa. We received this list from someone close to the Trump organization and under a pledge of confidentiality…but since it wasn’t a pledge made to Grover Norquist we see no reason not to make these questions public. In the interest of being factual this is more so a script, including Trump’s “ad libs”, his seemingly off-the-cuff remarks, demonstrating how “quick” he is. And now Barking in the Dark is honored to present in its entirety, the un-edited, un-annotated, unexpurgated, script that The Donald wrote himself and will be using to moderate the next Republican debate…incidentally, the candidates have also received this script in advance. Here it is:
(Donald: Note to self – You enter…slowly, majestically, yet humbly, as someone “of the people”, you may smile – but briefly. As you sit behind the moderator’s desk look very thoughtful, and – this is important – with the provided Montblanc executive pen in hand always appear to take notes of the candidate’s answers.
Mr. Trump (smile warmly)
Hello Des Moines, (wave in acknowledgment of huge amount of applause, smile, then turn serious as I wait for applause to die down)
Candidates, Ladies and gentleman in the audience, and everyone watching out there in television land, and all over the world and the universe, I humbly welcome you all to this Newsmax Ion Television Republican debate which I, Donald Trump, The Donald, have the fabulous honor of moderating. I feel compelled to say before we begin that I think Mitt Romney, Jon Huntsman, Rick Perry, Michele Bachmann, and Ron Paul have done themselves a terrible disservice by refusing to appear in this fantastically amazing event – I personally think it will hurt them as it may appear to everyone watching that this is a slight to Donald Trump…I, of course, do not feel this way – but I do think that they’ve all made a grave mistake since, as we all know, people listen to me – and no doubt my endorsement would have gone a long way towards getting any one of these very dear friends of mine elected to the highest office in the land. But, be that as it may, without further ado let’s get to these incredibly wonderful questions.
The first question goes to my very dear friend Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich – And, I must say that you are looking very dapper in that (fill in appropriate color) tie…it looks like it’s from my fabulous Trump collection at all better stores – it definitely looks good enough to be one of mine. Anyway, Mr. Speaker, your revolving charge account at Tiffany’s has been reported to be somewhere between 250 and 500 thousand dollars. I’d like to ask you if you really think this account is anywhere near as large as mine. And, as a follow up question, do you actually believe Callista’s jewels can rival those of my wife Melania. You have 3 minutes. (note to self – look very interested in the answer and TAKE NOTES – look thoughtful and wait for huge applause to die down…then:)
Thank you for that excellent answer. The next question would have gone to my very dear friend Representative Michele Bachman – had she been here – and thank you so much for honoring me by mentioning me as your possible future Vice-Presidential running mate…I think we’d make an unbelievably incredibly attractive ticket (wait for applause to die down) I’ll hold off on not endorsing you for this reason. (wait for applause to die down) Michele, who I love, and I’m sure all America has noticed this, wears fabulous clothes – I love her fabulous outfits – so I would have asked her why she thinks that her clothes, and I don’t mean to take anything away from her husband Marcus here who I know has fantastic taste in ladies dresses, but how could she possibly think that her clothes are more fabulous, than my wife Melania’s clothes, which by the way I help choose, and are definitely way more expensive, than hers? She would have had 3 minutes.
( TAKE SOME NOTES ANYWAY- and look thoughtful while waiting for huge applause to die down…then:)
I would have directed the next question to my very dear friend Governor Jon Huntsman, who, although we only once ran into each other in a corridor for seven and a half minutes, I have grown to feel incredibly close to – as have my son Donald Jr. who is the executive Vice-President of The Trump Organization, and my incredible daughter Ivanka who founded The Trump Hotel Collection. I am very sorry for him that he has seen fit not to attend this monumentally important event in America’s history. I would have asked him this: Governor, your net worth has been estimated at somewhere between 15 and 90 million dollars…Have you ever considered taking a permanent suite in Trump World Tower? And as a follow up question when can I Montblanc you in for a tour of the available suites in Trump World Tower at 845 United Nations Plaza? And for all of you watching this incredibly fabulous event the Trump World Tower phone number for sales and rental information is 212) 247-7000.
(note to self – look very thoughtful and wait for huge applause to die down…then:)
Thank you anyway for what I am sure would have been an excellent answer to an excellent question Governor. My next Question would have been for my very dear friend Governor Rick Perry. I would have asked him: Governor, will you admit tonight in front of the millions watching this amazing historic event that it was me who kept pounding at the “birther” issue when you dropped the ball? I still have yet to see Barack Hussein Obama’s birth certificate…and as a follow up question Governor, do you know anybody in your circle of friends who knew him at Harvard? He also would have had 3 minutes.
(TAKE NOTES ANYWAY… look thoughtful and wait for huge applause to die down…then:)
Thank you for that excellent answer. This next question goes to my very dear friend Senator Rick Santorum. Senator, it’s been said that you are virulently anti-gay, but can you tell me how any of my unbelievably fabulous Trump Hotels, like The Trump International Hotel and Tower Chicago at trumpchicago.com, or the colossally amazing Trump Taj Mahal in Atlantic City could put on one of their incredibly fabulous main room shows, or unbelievably great lounge shows, without the gays? Can you? (if the Des Moines crowd boos and hisses just wait – say something like… Well, you people really enjoy American Idol don’t you? And then plow ahead) Incidentally, the Trump Taj Mahal is at 1000 Boardwalk, Atlantic City, NJ 08401-7415, at Trumptaj.com or call (609) 449-1000 for rates and reservations… and Senator, as a follow up question, without the fabulous help of gays how would I be able to put on the Trump Miss Universe, Trump Miss USA, or Trump Miss Teen USA pageants.-you have 3 minutes. (note to self – look very interested in the answer and TAKE NOTES… look thoughtful and wait for huge applause to die down…then:)
Thank you for that excellent answer Senator. My next very important and insightful question would have gone to my very dear friend Congressman Ron Paul. I would have asked Congressman Paul, Congressman, in view of your stance against universal health care, what do I tell all the middle age to senior citizens who flock to all my fabulous Trump properties, some of whom have had on premises seizures – and the best possible care from my on premises medical staff? (note to self – look very self satisfied and wait for huge applause to die down…then:)
Thank you Congressman Paul for what I am sure would have been an excellent answer to another excellent question from me. (wait for applause to die down)
This brings me to the last question of the evening and it would have gone to my dear friend Governor Mitt Romney had he not refused to be here and run the risk of losing my very valuable endorsement. Here is the question: Governor, who makes your suits? (note to self - look thoughtful and wait for huge applause to die down…then:)
Each of you will now have one minute to summarize your positions…and, may I add that just as on my amazing and phenomenally successful NBC shows The Apprentice, and The Celebrity Apprentice, check your local listings for date and time, you are, in essence, auditioning for a position in the business of America…and – if we don’t like you we will all say (stand up, smile, and with both arms extended reach out to audience, and say:) say it with me America…YOU’RE FIRED!
(Listen very thoughtfully to all the spiels and TAKE NOTES – look interested in what they say and wait for huge applause to die down…then:)
This brings to a close an amazing and enlightening evening of the Newsmax Ion debate between the Republican candidates who did decide to appear at this incredibly prestigious event in the run-up for the Republican nomination for the highest office in the land to discuss the most important and pressing issues of our time. Issues I know all of you ordinary people out there in America are interested in hearing about. I know you’ll all agree with me that we all heard some excellent answers to some amazing, and fabulous questions tonight. I am Donald Trump. Goodnight, be well, and good luck.
© tony powers and Barking in the Dark, 2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to tony powers and Barking in the Dark with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.