Adolf Hitler announced today through his Minister of Propaganda Josef Goebbels that he would be entering the 2016 Republican Presidential Primaries. Herr Goebbels was quoted as saying; “Vas viss der economic zituatzion in Amerika caused by die zwei schmucks Cheney und Bush, und now mitt ein schwartzer in zere zat der Tea Party hates, ve feel it ist der perfeckt sturm – und der drang alzo. Und ve vill chump in hobnail boots first!”
Mr. Hitler interviewed later at his aerie in Berchtesgaden said “it ist ein shlam dunkel, considering Ich can outmean ziss Ted Cruz patzer any day in die woche…nein, forget der veek – in der year! Vas hass he maybe been killink – some velfare frauen und kinde who can’t haff der head shtart?..boo-hoo. Und, secont-hant he ist doing ziss! Ha! Ich really kilt more people firzt-perzon shtanding on ein leg, on ein big-nose Chew, in ein half-hour of ein morning! Ich fits in perfeckt mit der Republican ideology!”
Hitler, appearing tan, fit, and rested, owing to his almost 70 year absence from the world stage went on; “Und mein guy Goebbels here could do propaganda zo much besser zen zeese rank amateur female impersonators like zis Rove clown, und zis poseur, zis fat Limbaugh freak. Und, by der vay, ziss Limbaugh looks even fatter in eine dress zen fat Hermann Goering did, if you can beliefe it.
Und, whoever it ist who ist making up ziss crap that ziss putz Boehner ist dishing up ist rotting schweinefleisch by comparison. Alles amateur liars, not vun professional among zem! Ich vunder vere ziss Boehner gets zat shtranche nafel oranche color ja? Ziss ist unnaturalische ja? He looks like ein pumpkin. Anyvay, mein main mann Josef here makes alles uff zeir dummkopf lies look like schwein scheißen, ein shmelly scheißhaufen, und ich knows von schwein scheißen.”
Zis Paul Ryan shpeaker schlemiel vants to kill Zocial Zecurity? Vy even bozzer? Ich vill chust kill people. Ich vill march efferyvonn ofer zixty-fife straight into die offens – Poof!..up in der shmoke!”
Hitler than startled all of us in the assembled press by suddenly leaping to his feet: “Let’s just cut to der chase here ja?…Iff you are not vite, YOU ARE NOT RIGHT! YOU ARE OUTTA ZIGHT! Zese puny Republican schmucks are chust danzing around vast zey really vant – and vas zey haff effery right to haff, ein gut alte fazshioned Third Reich kind of Aryan Nation – BECAUZE (he pounded his desk with his fist) MIGHT MAKES RIGHT, UND DER RIGHT MAKES MIGHT!! Ich vill restore der Republican Party to zeir rightful place in der welt!!! Ich vill get rid of all zese uzeless mud people…Ich vill probably infade Mexico alzo… Ja? Vy not?
As for this shweet little teeny tiny itsy-bitsy frau Farina…vas can I say?” He sat back down; “Eine nize Italianische frau, aber eine wenig coo-coo, ja? Aber meine helmet is off to her – she ist eine great liar.
Tell me, vy zettle for ein impozter nutball like zis erzatz lunatic Cruz, ven you can haff der real lunatic ja? I vill run ass ein prout Right-ving Republican Nazi, und knowing der microshcopic IQ of der Amerikanische electorate, und zeir zhort attention zpan und total, abysmal ignorance of hiztory” – He leapt to his feet again, right arm outthrust, and screamed; “ICH VILL VIN!!! ICH VILL VIN!!! ICH VILL VIN!!! HEIL MYSELF!!!”
Author’s note: No sweet little schwein were harmed in the writing of this piece, nor by no means is this meant in any way to demean that noble friend to man the wonderful Pig…and all dear little Piglets everywhere. Republicans should only be half as positive a force in this world.
© tony powers and Barking in the Dark, 2011]. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to tony powers and Barking in the Dark with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Very imaginative. If you heard my tone you would know that I’m not being sarcastic.
That being said, are you quite certain that you’ve pegged the GOP?
yes. thank you for the comment.
I’m a republican and have no such belief system. I wonder, if you’re so sure, how would you explain that?
I know I sort of engaged you here. And I’m not entirely sure that this was an appropriate move. For what it’s worth, I do still consider myself a Republican; however, I’m less inclined to do so with each passing year. I was not a supporter of either Bush’s, and I’m not at all a supporter of any of the foolish boys that are currently running… or I should say, squabbling with each other and saying more stupid shit in the course of a day than Dan Quayle has in his whole life.
I’m beginning to wonder if the GOP still really exists. But, for whatever’s left of it and for whatever it’s worth, I am a Republican, and I know many Republicans, and many of us are simply not in line with what you’re saying here.
John Kerry was short a few cards. He said some dumb stuff. Yet I don’t loop every Democrat in with every foolish thing that John Kerry said. You see.
Now, before you jump all over me, I want you to know that I’m a fan of your writing. I’ve even checked out some of your online videos, and really enjoyed them. If what I’ve said angers you, or if you think I’m being inappropriate by posting my thoughts here, I hope that you will just delete my comments rather than rail me.
no need to. you folks explain yourselves every day…and it’s called “satire” for a reason…hit a nerve there?
No D. i really appreciate what you are saying here. it is a shame that the party of TR, Eisenhower, and Lincoln, has been highjacked by some loonies. i know you and many, many other good people who are Republicans, are not at all what i am depicting here…i am simply drawing a caricature of the way these “leaders” appear, by their actions, to many people…a through-the-fun-house mirror if you will. you have in no way angered me, or been inappropriate here, i write it, i stand by it, and i am able to accept any and all critiques or arguments by those who read my stuff. i always leave all dissenting comments in place, especially well drawn ones such as this. and i sincerely thank you for the props on my other stuff, vids etc. please feel free to make any comment you wish to make. i’m a big boy. thanks for this comment. continue…
p.s. D, you’re gonna hate the next one on CPAC …but i gotta. continue…
Great as usual, but I’ve had a busy week and am falling behind here. I figure to slow you down, so I can get caught up . . .
I am passing along the 7 x 7 Link Award to you. I have created a permanent page for this award. Please reference the link for the rules.
You can pick up your badge at:
This is a special award. It is not your standard “list seven things about yourself” award. Instead it provides an opportunity to share seven of your old posts with your readers.
Yours is one of my very favorite blogs. I hope you will have time to participate, but as always it is entirely your option.
“Heil Myself”. There is a take-away quote from everything I read of yours that sticks with me. You have a gift, sir.
thank you, Lilabell, but i have to say that i believe Mel Brooks may have used that in the Producers..or one of his many other very funny films. continue…
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Excuse me kind Sir, I do believe in the heat of your expressionism you actually forgot to actually include Schweinfleisch in your narration.
I do hope you don’t mind my wandering in and having a nose, I saw you mention Frank Zapper in your introduction and just had to investigate.
I rather like your humour, thankyou.
Thank you Eileen. I appreciate the note…yes schweinfleisch would have gone nicely with Goering and Limbaugh…oh well. Checked your blog and like your humour (as you Brits spell it) as well. Will look in on u regularly. continue…