I have sent out literally hundreds of thousands , maybe millions, maybe hundreds of millions, of emails and I have yet to hear back from ANY of you ingrates. Not a blessed single damn one of you… none, nada, zero, zilch! Not one single, simple, solitary, friggin’ peep.
Now – I can understand such spiteful dismissive treatment from my 1st wife (who I still like to remain in contact with ‘cause she was really hot), and I can expect this kind of unappreciative, unresponsive treatment from ex- wife # 2 as well (not as close with her, but…), and it goes without saying – but I’ll say it anyway – that I most definitely expect this sort of unwarranted, shameful, neglectful, careless treatment from my darling children who, with all their faults, still manage a perfunctory pity “hi” every seven-and-a-half years or so, and I certainly, as sure as the sun will come up tomorrow tra la la, expect this sort of shabby, laissez faire-ish, thoughtless, demeaning, who-gives-a-shit-about-Norman attitude from my twelve grandchildren, heaven forbid they should ever deign to pick up a phone, or send a card, or even a lousy tweet – never mind 140 characters, I’ll settle for 5… H-E-L-L-O!
From all of them I expect this “Oh-it’s-just-Norman-so-it’s-not-really- that-important-not-so-as-I’d-wanna-actually-take-maybe-28 seconds-out-of-my-life-to-tweet-his-ass, kind of attitude. That’s right! You read right! I expect this kind of crappy, insensitive, careless, cruddy behavior from all of my unappreciative, uncaring, out-to-lunch, oblivious “family”, and I use this word loosely. BUT, I do not expect such a cavalier, unbecoming, thoughtless, unkind, blatant in-your-face go fuck yourself position to be taken by someone – anyone – and a stranger no less, for whom I have just gone out of my way in order to kindly email them a HELPFUL, ADVISORY, to just let them know that they MAY JUST MAYBE WANNA RE-SEND THIS IMPORTANT LIFE AND/OR DEATH MESSAGE THEY THOUGHT THEY HAD SENT, WHEN IN FACT said message of said life and/or death was never actually received in the FUCKING FIRST PLACE!!
And I, Norman Mailer-Daemon, never having once met any of these oafish ingrates, these cretins, these miserable, heedless, selfish, self-centered, buffoonish barbarians – I repeat – I, went Out. Of. My. Way. Which is, on most days, a considerable way to go out of – mind you, in order to notify these miserable wretches that whatever imbecilic drivel they may have thought they had inflicted on some other equally miserable wretch – or wretches, HAD NOT GONE THROUGH! NICHT! NON! NEPPURE! NOLIEGUMA PARTIKULA? COMPRENDE USTED? And please, please – Don’t bother replying to this email either. Thank you. It’s waaaaay, waaaaaaaay, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too late!
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