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Norman Mailer-Daemon Here… Hi Everybody Who Never Answers My Emails – Thanks For Nothing!

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I have sent out literally hundreds of thousands , maybe millions, maybe hundreds of millions, of emails and I have yet to hear back from ANY of you ingrates. Not a blessed single damn one of you… none, nada, zero, zilch! Not one single, simple, solitary, friggin’ peep.

Now – I can understand such spiteful dismissive treatment from my 1st wife (who I still like to remain in contact with ‘cause she was really hot), and I can expect this kind of unappreciative, unresponsive treatment from ex- wife # 2 as well (not as close with her, but…), and it goes without saying – but I’ll say it anyway – that I most definitely  expect this sort of unwarranted, shameful, neglectful, careless treatment from my darling children who, with all their faults, still manage a perfunctory pity “hi” every seven-and-a-half years or so, and I certainly, as sure as the sun will come up tomorrow tra la la, expect this sort of shabby, laissez faire-ish, thoughtless, demeaning, who-gives-a-shit-about-Norman attitude from my twelve grandchildren, heaven forbid they should ever deign to pick up a  phone, or send a card, or even a lousy tweet – never mind 140 characters, I’ll settle for 5… H-E-L-L-O!

From all of them I expect this “Oh-it’s-just-Norman-so-it’s-not-really- that-important-not-so-as-I’d-wanna-actually-take-maybe-28 seconds-out-of-my-life-to-tweet-his-ass, kind of attitude. That’s right! You read right! I expect this kind of crappy, insensitive, careless, cruddy behavior from all of my unappreciative, uncaring, out-to-lunch, oblivious “family”, and I use this word loosely. BUT, I do not expect such a cavalier, unbecoming, thoughtless, unkind, blatant in-your-face go fuck yourself position to be taken by someone – anyone – and a stranger no less, for whom I have just gone out of my way in order to kindly email them a HELPFUL, ADVISORY, to just let them know that they MAY JUST MAYBE WANNA RE-SEND THIS IMPORTANT LIFE AND/OR DEATH MESSAGE THEY THOUGHT THEY HAD SENT, WHEN IN FACT said message of said life and/or death was never actually received in the FUCKING FIRST PLACE!!

And I, Norman Mailer-Daemon, never having once met any of these oafish ingrates, these cretins, these miserable, heedless, selfish, self-centered, buffoonish barbarians – I repeat – I, went Out. Of. My. Way. Which is, on most days, a considerable way to go out of – mind you, in order to notify these miserable wretches that whatever imbecilic drivel they may have thought they had inflicted on some other equally miserable wretch – or wretches, HAD NOT GONE THROUGH! NICHT! NON! NEPPURE! NOLIEGUMA PARTIKULA? COMPRENDE USTED? And please, please – Don’t bother replying to this email either. Thank you. It’s waaaaay, waaaaaaaay, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too late!

© tonypowers and Barking in the Dark, 2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to tonypowers and Barking in the Dark with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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About barkinginthedark

Tony Powers is a writer/actor/musician. His full bio may be seen by clicking on the picture, and then clicking on either of the 2 boxes below it.

Discussion

157 thoughts on “Norman Mailer-Daemon Here… Hi Everybody Who Never Answers My Emails – Thanks For Nothing!

  1. Reblogged this on BarkingintheDark and commented:

    my newer readers may enjoy this piece from 2011.

    Like

    Posted by barkinginthedark | July 6, 2016, 5:14 pm
  2. Only you, my dear Tony, would have a post from September “pressed” in March. I secretly believe (in my black little heart) the WordPress gods love your political commentary so much they searched back through your archives to locate a post “tame” enough for Freshly Pressed.

    You truly deserve the recognition of your talent and the “awesomeness” of this blog.

    Miss D

    Like

    Posted by Miss Demure Restraint | March 16, 2012, 4:08 am
  3. Great piece! Wonderfully inventive and a treat to read, all the way through. It is no surprise this ended up as a featured post on WordPress.

    I did, in fact, write to Daemon AND I got a response. It way back in the late 80’s, in the early days of civilians getting connected. “The Web” was not even being talked about, at that time, and Netscape was still in vitro. Anybody not in university research or the Defense system was connecting with, and through, CompuServe. I was an early adopter, one of those with a three-digit suffix.

    My second-oldest daughter, Carol, went off to Penn (the Ivy League university, not THE pen) where they were already doing great things with student connectivity. She got was given a campus email address at registration. And here’s something cool about Penn: having developed the FIRST computer (ENIAC) in the early 1940’s, they still call the university system by that name. So every on-campus email address is not @upenn.edu but @upenn.eniac.edu.

    I decided to see if I could get an email through to her but had to guess at her exact email address, since letters home were hard to come by in the first couple of weeks. In my first attempt, I left out the dot between first and last name. What came back, late the next day, was a GIANT header with a small email message attached to it, which read:

    “I looked your daughter up on Finger and she must be Carol _______. Her correct email address is: _________…”

    There was no signature, so I combed through the header and came up with what seemed like a source address. I assumed that the “mailer” part was preamble and so I addressed my email to a guy I thought was calling himself Daemon. I thanked him profusely for helping me find Carol, asked what in the world “Finger” was, and told him that I liked his moniker, especially the Classical Greek spelling.

    In response I got a wonderful email from a professor named Karl Kleinpaste at Ohio State University. He explained that Daemon was a piece of software, lodged in the bowels of the OSU mainframe, that handled all the internet email. Daemon dumped un-routable emails into a holder file and, as one of the people who voluntarily oversaw its workings, he had seen my note and sent the information I needed.

    At that moment I knew that the internet was going to be a great thing. Not because of the machines, but because of what really clever, and really NICE people people were going to do with it.

    Thanks, Tony, for triggering the memory.

    Like

    Posted by thejazzmonger | March 10, 2012, 1:07 pm
  4. Dear Norman Mailer-Daemon
    I liked this post better than all your books.

    Like

    Posted by Anonymous | March 8, 2012, 11:21 pm
  5. The pun of the blog post title is worth the price of admission already…

    Like

    Posted by PostCollegiate | March 8, 2012, 6:32 pm
  6. you tell me not to reply so…

    Like

    Posted by Casey_Leigh | March 8, 2012, 3:50 pm
  7. I answer you,lol!if don’t you mind!

    Like

    Posted by Yingying Xue | March 8, 2012, 5:58 am
  8. “Norman Mailer-Daemon”… only you, Tony. Only you. CONGRATULATIONS FROM MY HEART!!!!! ❤ ❤

    Like

    Posted by She speaks.... | March 8, 2012, 4:55 am
  9. Oh Norman…if you can’t get my mail where it needs to go, could you at least come here and put me by the window.

    Put me by the window, Norman!

    Like

    Posted by lauracgardner | March 8, 2012, 12:54 am
  10. It’s exactly this kind of angry, passive aggressive behavior that makes me not want to be friends with you. So…I’m not sorry.

    Like

    Posted by edrevets | March 7, 2012, 10:33 pm
  11. Have you considered the possibility that there is something wrong with your e-mail account?
    Messages could be getting blocked by something.
    I mean, aren’t you even getting useless spam from people telling you about things you could win or SOMETHING?
    If there is a problem with your e-mail account, try changing the password and/or deleting it and setting up a new one.

    Like

    Posted by random8042 | March 7, 2012, 9:30 pm
    • hmmmm…i’ll check into this. thank you Random, Norman. and continue…

      Like

      Posted by barkinginthedark | March 7, 2012, 9:38 pm
    • YESSSSS!!…I just won 2 million dollars in the Nigerian lottery. thank you Sophie. i will cut you in, send social security and bank account numbers. i sent them mine so i know it’s okay. continue…

      Like

      Posted by barkinginthedark | March 7, 2012, 9:57 pm
    • To the concern of whom, I am the ambasaadore of the Nation. Have I been instructions to send you 1 millions of dollars by Mr. Norman mailer-daemon. All must you do is send social security # and bank accounts #’s to immediate attention. thank you.

      Like

      Posted by barkinginthedark | March 8, 2012, 7:52 pm
      • Ha!
        Like I’d post stuff like that up here.
        No, we must come up with something more cunning.
        How about this?
        I decide that I don’t actually know what to do with a million dollars.
        Or this?
        You decide that I don’t actually need a million dollars.
        Because the thing is,
        I actually don’t
        So I’ll pass up this time.
        btw, how much is a million dollars in pounds?
        and your grammar is terrible
        and you can’t spell ambassador.

        Like

        Posted by random8042 | March 9, 2012, 6:38 pm
    • To the concern of mr. Random, a million dollars in our currency is $7. 47 we can send immediately. be kind to send all credit card numbers asap. in pounds? we send in our currency only. hurry, my aunt is dying. my speling is impecible. with all thank yous intact. continue

      Like

      Posted by barkinginthedark | March 10, 2012, 11:51 pm
    • To the concern of MS. Random, a million dollars in our currency is now $6. 23 so you shall hurry in all good faith to recollect. we can send by bank transfer. be kind to send all bank numbers, and blood type asap. As before mentioned prior, no pounds. we send in our currency only – which is high valued all over everywhere. hurry, my aunt has died. with all thank yous still and will be always intact. The Ambasadore. continue

      Like

      Posted by tony powers | March 11, 2012, 10:26 pm
    • p.s. yes we have WTF gollum. please send. thank you

      Like

      Posted by tony powers | March 11, 2012, 10:29 pm
    • yes Ms. we have WTF and Gollum. please send everything.

      Like

      Posted by tony powers | March 11, 2012, 10:31 pm
      • No, no, no, no, no.
        You misunderstand.
        WTF means What The F*ck.
        Gollum is a character from Lord of The Rings.
        You can just ignore the gollum.
        You are obviously crazy.
        I’m lovin’ it.
        I also have a feeling that you are using Google Translate badly.
        Does your currency have a name?
        Is it even real?
        I am finding it increasingly likely that it is merely a figment of an overactive imagination.
        continue…
        (lol)

        Like

        Posted by random8042 | March 12, 2012, 1:15 pm
    • i’m so sorry Ms. Random, i think you are mistaken, wtf is Wilfred T. Flense who appears in 2 of Mr. Barking’s little stories:

      1. Iowa Man Sees Baby Jesus in His Swiss Melt

      and 2. Mitt Romney: The Art of the Flip- Flop. Or; if I Said That, This is What I Really Meant…For Now. Unless I Change My Mind. I Think. Maybe

      as to the oo negative blood type, you strike me more as oh-oh possible/positive. your humble servant, Norman M-D continue…

      Like

      Posted by barkinginthedark | March 13, 2012, 6:11 am
  12. Is it too late to reply, man? I never got your email–I swear!

    Like

    Posted by Smaktakula | March 7, 2012, 7:23 pm
  13. I would write back to you if you didn’t specifically say not the respond to the message. Do you enjoy toying with my emotions, Norman?

    Like

    Posted by Sara | March 7, 2012, 5:39 pm
  14. I’m not sure, but it seems to me there is a sentence in your post that may qualify as the longest sentence ever in a WordPress blog. Fantastic, faaann-tastic post! More, please… 🙂

    Like

    Posted by thejordanwhisperer | March 7, 2012, 5:05 pm
    • i believe you’re correct in your assessment of perhaps that one sentence contained herein may be the longest ever put into a wordpress post, which shows that you, Jordan, carefully read, enjoyed, and took pains to count said sentence in the piece, for which i, norman mailer-daemon am eternally grateful and thank you many times over. continue…

      Like

      Posted by barkinginthedark | March 7, 2012, 9:43 pm
  15. This is absolutely hilarious! I would give my eye teeth, if I had them anymore, to write like this. There is little more frustrating than no response to an email . At one time it irritated me so much I took the time to write a poem about it which I did not publish. I need not have written it at all; you have done such a terrific job.

    Like

    Posted by grandfallswoman | March 7, 2012, 2:31 pm
  16. Wow! That is all.

    Like

    Posted by seanjrankine | March 7, 2012, 11:40 am
  17. Its really a nice blog…well said..

    Like

    Posted by real estate property Bangalore | March 7, 2012, 11:12 am
  18. kids and grandkids should respect their parents and grandparents in the art of technology and remind themselves to say “hi there [elder person] how are you doing… this is what i have been up to that you would like to hear about and what you wouldnt like to hear about i will not tell you unless i know you cannot clip me around the ear”

    Like

    Posted by Blogbiscuit | March 7, 2012, 10:37 am
  19. I really loved the way you used your words sir. You are a damn of a writer. 🙂

    Like

    Posted by Noise Maker | March 7, 2012, 10:26 am
  20. huh got scary…….

    Like

    Posted by Dreamz infra | March 7, 2012, 9:18 am
  21. I’m glad for you that you have now received a plethora of responses. I, unfortunately, am stuck with the Norman Bates-Daemon, who only gets emails from his mother.

    Like

    Posted by poetryofamadman | March 7, 2012, 8:09 am
  22. that happens to me all the time. nobody wants to email me. i sent of over 100 CV’s and i had no responses. how depressing. i would email you 🙂 and we do definitely have a mailer daemon in the UK 🙂
    keep smiling

    Like

    Posted by emmahevezi | March 7, 2012, 7:52 am
  23. ouhygfcxfghj
    nh

    Like

    Posted by Anonymous | March 7, 2012, 7:11 am
  24. Almost inspires that Snow White rant on how a mirror isn’t something that you stare at. It’s a gorgon you place proudly on your shield riding your mighty dragon steed while you take out cockroaches, spiders, and flies.

    Like

    Posted by Anonymous | March 7, 2012, 6:41 am
  25. That was funny, impressive, and just a little bit scary. Loved it.

    Like

    Posted by bmj2k | March 7, 2012, 5:25 am
  26. Good and funny!

    Like

    Posted by tunebloggers | March 7, 2012, 4:57 am
  27. I love how even the structure is there to let you know it’s an annoying, screeching, explosive rant. Having a name like that must be pretty unfortunate, maybe as much as being called Superman Lopez or Astroboy Suarez.

    Trust me. These names DO exist.

    Like

    Posted by Joe Pineda | March 7, 2012, 2:54 am
  28. I really don’t care for NMD. He’s virtually a waste of my space and time, so screw ‘im!

    Like

    Posted by jvlivs | March 7, 2012, 2:39 am
  29. Great post! I hope my grasp of the English language has made enough justice to your usage of it. Hilarious! I will for sure think of you and this post whenever I get an e-mail from Mr. Norman Mailer-daemon; I will feel the need to reply, or just tweet at him! Oh the guilt! the ever present guilt.

    Congratulations, not only on being freshly pressed, but on getting a new follower. Me.

    You, sir, please continue…

    Like

    Posted by joaquinbarroso | March 7, 2012, 2:38 am
    • Thanks Joaquin, but i don’t understand a single word of what you wrote! just kidding. 🙂 i even made the smiley face here. anyway, i really appreciate the kind comment and i shall endeavor to keep us all amused…especially myself. continue…

      Like

      Posted by barkinginthedark | March 7, 2012, 2:43 am
  30. I got rid of you a long time ago. 😛

    Like

    Posted by Elisa | March 7, 2012, 2:23 am
  31. hahaha…. it was HILARIOUS…. you are so funny…..

    Like

    Posted by ridafatima | March 7, 2012, 1:52 am
  32. That was awesome. (Yeah, I used that word. Go ahead, raise an eyebrow, mock me. I don’t care.)

    And just for the record, years ago, when I was quite naive, I did respond to you. You ignored me. So don’t come cryin’ to me about nobody caring. All you wanted was the reply. I never mattered to you, did I?

    I don’t resent you though. Your plight is distressing, to be sure, and your anger understandable.

    Like

    Posted by lauracgardner | March 7, 2012, 1:39 am
    • Laura, (this isn’t the Laura Gardner who was my acting teacher is it?) anyway, and aside from that- thanks for this wonderfully witty, droll comment. which is why i shall check out your blog. and hmmmm…you must have read my post “awesome” yes? continue…

      Like

      Posted by barkinginthedark | March 7, 2012, 2:02 am
      • No, this is Laura, teacher of French and of ESL, actually. But I won’t hold that against you. I mean, it’s not like you called me the wrong name or anything. Thank you for your nice comment about my comment about your post. I did read your “Awesome” post, which was phenomenal! So good and so true in fact that I’d write a “phenomenal” post myself, but then it would look like I’d stolen your awesome idea. Guess I’ll have to find some breaking news to write about instead. Then we can start a dialogue and perhaps end up with some ground-breaking philosophy around it.

        But don’t get me started. Suffice it to say I share your frustrations when it comes to the dumbing-down of anything – particularly language. As for my blog, I’ll offer this pathetic, wannabe disclaimer: I’ve only just started, so there aren’t a gazillion posts yet. But please do check it out. I’m just getting revved up.

        Like

        Posted by lauracgardner | March 8, 2012, 12:51 am
  33. Two ex-wives you keep in semi-contact with and mailer-daemon can’t even give you the time of day. What’s the world coming to when decent people can’t get their oh-so-important mail through?

    Like

    Posted by Debra Colby-Conklin | March 7, 2012, 1:25 am
  34. Perhaps he’d get more attention if Mr. Mailer were both naked and dead.
    Oh wait…

    Congrats on the FP Tony, and I can see I’m going to have to troll your site from the very beginning now…
    Enjoy!

    Like

    Posted by El Guapo | March 7, 2012, 12:33 am
  35. OMG…now that you have let it all out…Whooo–saaaahhhh! I love the comedy! keep it coming!

    Like

    Posted by Sarade | March 7, 2012, 12:21 am
  36. Reblogged this on Chowshingyau's Blog.

    Like

    Posted by chowshingyau | March 7, 2012, 12:07 am
  37. Too, too funny! And congrats of Freshly Pressed. Great post.
    Kathy

    Like

    Posted by Kathryn McCullough | March 6, 2012, 11:51 pm
  38. Reblogged this on finnegan2749.

    Like

    Posted by finnegan2749 | March 6, 2012, 11:37 pm
  39. I think I just peed a little.

    Like

    Posted by David DeMar | March 6, 2012, 11:20 pm
  40. Ooh oh no, you’ve got the mailer daemon.
    Have you tried turning the excorcist off and back on?

    Like

    Posted by momsomniac | March 6, 2012, 11:14 pm
  41. Never heard of the mailer-daemon before! I’m loving the thought of a furiously typing (and furiously angry) daemon living in the dungeons of the internets, forever typing unanswered emails. Great post 🙂

    Like

    Posted by metan | March 6, 2012, 10:57 pm
  42. You are one angry cusser!

    Like

    Posted by Sonja Bukvic | March 6, 2012, 10:29 pm
  43. Reblogged this on glacialtides.

    Like

    Posted by glacialtides | March 6, 2012, 10:10 pm
  44. See, had you gotten responses to those gamillion emails sent, there would be no post today to get “freshly pressed”.. it’s a give & take thing.. great post.. actually freaking hilarious.loved it!

    This is almost as good as being selected as Oprah’s Book of the month, huh?

    Well deserved!!
    Lynne~

    Like

    Posted by free penny press | March 6, 2012, 9:39 pm
  45. I used to reply all the time. You must have me marked a spam. All I got from you was some line abut it not being a monitored email account and to not reply again.
    Fact is I got 2 from your Cousin, Mailman-Bounces just today. I thanked him for his timely notification of the problem — and you know what?
    I GOT NUTTIN. NADA. ZIP. ZILCH. ZERO response from him as well. It must be a Family trait. Or maybe hes your Half Brother. Doesn’t much matter to me. pretty Dang rude if you ask me! 😦

    LOVE THIS POST. I wish I had thought of it. Congrats on being freshly pressed. Get ready for your INBOX to do some OVERTIME!

    ‘Nuff Said 🙂

    Like

    Posted by Air Cooled Underware | March 6, 2012, 9:03 pm
  46. Best wishes Tony! Great to see your writing is promoted on Freshly Pressed! think of me writing about church suppers, poetry and owls…..

    Like

    Posted by An Embarrassment of Freedom | March 6, 2012, 8:42 pm
  47. Funny, congratulations on being freshly pressed!

    Like

    Posted by Marcia Clarke | March 6, 2012, 8:22 pm
  48. Wow! Have you tried alcohol?

    Like

    Posted by blackshepherd | March 6, 2012, 8:20 pm
  49. Hysterical! Thanks for giving me a great laugh today.

    Like

    Posted by Regina (Gina) Arnold | March 6, 2012, 8:08 pm
  50. Yay – Seeing you Pressed made my day, Congrats Tony!

    Anyone reading comments: I highly recommend browsing through some of the Ballads.

    Like

    Posted by MJ, Nonstepmom | March 6, 2012, 8:06 pm
  51. Thanks for making me laugh out loud! I needed that.

    Like

    Posted by Sarah D. | March 6, 2012, 7:58 pm
  52. Do you feel better now?
    At least you got Freshly Pressed. Congrats!

    Like

    Posted by susielindau | March 6, 2012, 7:53 pm
  53. Thanks for the giggles, well written and now well understood. however, if you sent me an email, I would have replied 🙂

    Like

    Posted by Aurora, HSP | March 6, 2012, 7:43 pm
  54. Hi Norman Mailer-Daemon. I hate Mailer Daemon because it is so evil it always return my most important e-mails. I used to think Mailer Demon was a virus until i got computer literate. Now, this blog is hilarious. Congrats for being Freshly Pressed.

    Like

    Posted by Omwa Ombara | March 6, 2012, 7:39 pm
  55. Haha, oh this is great. Congrats on Freshly Pressed! I did wonder at one time whether mailer-daemon was a real person 🙂

    Like

    Posted by Samantha | March 6, 2012, 7:39 pm
  56. Hahah !! Now this made my evening !! And moreover, the title actually got my eyes closer to the laptop screen!! 😛 Cheers Norman 😀

    And please check out my latest post on love & relationship – http://raajtram.wordpress.com/2012/02/28/let-the-time-decide/

    And even my new PhotoBlog – http://raajclicks.wordpress.com/2012/02/29/oh-i-love-my-laptop/

    Like

    Posted by Raaj Trambadia | March 6, 2012, 7:29 pm
  57. I’m sure your EX-wife appreciated hearing that she is hot. Lol. Made me laugh today. Thx and congrats on being pressed!

    Like

    Posted by MakersDaugther | March 6, 2012, 7:00 pm
  58. It does make one wonder if the creator of Mailer-Daemon had an evil ex-spouse with a similar name.

    Now THAT would be a great prank.

    And as someone who occasionally blogs about my own crazy divorce, I think you may have just inspired me…

    🙂

    Like

    Posted by Mikalee Byerman | March 6, 2012, 6:54 pm
  59. Love the title! Good Post!

    Like

    Posted by Handsome Lover of Words | March 6, 2012, 6:47 pm
  60. If Norman had not changed his reply email to Do Not Disturb, maybe (unlikely, but possible) I would have plucked him out of the spam filter. Wait, no. I would have soiled my fingers. So, no.
    Red.

    Like

    Posted by Red | January 29, 2012, 2:53 am
  61. You so made me laugh by the end, but in the beginning I did fear you were having a way, WAY bad day. Learnt a bit about you too – two ex-wives…You know, I’ve just never dared marriage against since my sailor hubby when I was 19. But I commend people who learn – no, DARE – to live again 🙂

    Was just cruising your pages & had to drop in on this because it had ‘Norman Mailer’ in it! But I know that mailer-daemon you’re on about. Man, you’ve got grandchildren too. Your family sounds yeek like mine. Oh my, here’s hoping Daniel won’t forget his ma in the distant future…

    Happy New Year, Tony!

    Like

    Posted by WordsFallFromMyEyes | December 28, 2011, 6:27 am
  62. This is HILARIOUS!!!

    Like

    Posted by On My Square | November 17, 2011, 3:53 am
  63. Damn, you do make me laugh, my friend! That was brilliantly funny.

    I’m gonna write Norman now. I just hope it gets delivered to him this time…

    -w

    Like

    Posted by Wendell Price | October 13, 2011, 3:46 am
  64. I first thought this was going to be your take on a spammer, however now I read it a few times I’m still as confused as I was to start with…….

    You actually expect your sprogs to say hi?

    And every one knows the only time you see grandchildren is if you’re the shmuck that’s babysitting them or if they want something.

    Like

    Posted by egills | September 23, 2011, 11:55 am
  65. aw, I can handle this…used to teach !

    Like

    Posted by Anonymous | September 22, 2011, 7:33 pm

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