Trump, looking tan but slightly sour, due to his perpetual facial expression, which runs the entire gamut from looking like he is having a very difficult bowel movement, to sucking on a lemon, announced that work on the project would begin “almost immediately…probably maybe even sooner.” When asked why he was doing this he said; “I love the people of New York, who, as you know, look up to me – as well as look to me for leadership. And, of course everybody knows the respect I command for my virtually legendary business acumen, which is the only reason why I put my name on all the buildings I own – which are all over the city. It is a proven fact that people love the name Trump. And having that kind of awesomely incredibly unbelievable brand recognition I thought; what more can I do, besides all that I’ve already done, for all the wonderful small people, that would really help beautify our fair city? And by the way, I always try to wave to these wonderful regular people as I ride by them every day. And last week as I was passing them by it hit me:
That was it!
That’s when I came up with what I have to say is my incredibly unbelievably awesome brilliant idea of helping us all by creating a place where all our trash can be deposited in an unbelievably fantastic high-class way. I’m going to call it; The Donald’s Big Dump. In my mind’s eye I can see it now: an incredibly fabulous large, tastefully gold trimmed, high-class blinking red and blue neon sign trumpeting it’s presence from across the Hudson to all my fellow New Yorkers big and small – THE DONALD’S BIG DUMP. And let me say that I get these unbelievably genius ideas, and they come to me in a flash, and I know I’m going to make it, but then I sit with it. I sit – and I think. I have been sitting on this dump inside me for a very long while.
So, I sat, I thought, and I took this dump, and I stared at it from many different angles until I was positively sure that it would float.
Now you may think that my dump is just another big smelly pile, but I look upon it as a destination place for only the best, high-class, finest trash from all the five boroughs. I will be leaving this huge dump for all of our citizens to enjoy, and I am certain future generations will look upon this dump of mine as merely the first effort in a monumental movement. A movement towards making this city even more of a place where the right kind of people will wanna come. Right this very minute I have what is no doubt the world’s most amazing unbelievably incredibly talented collection of engineers working on a fabulous system to completely eradicate any kind of foul odor that may arise from my dump, and they have all but assured me that this is possible. I am positive that if there are any such odors, that they can be kept as far from certain worthwhile areas of the city as is humanly possible, areas such as Wall Street and the 1Upper East Side.”
Since Mr.Trump had mentioned “the Hudson”, reporters asked him where the dump would be located, and he replied; 2 “Newark, New Jersey. I originally planned on locating it somewhere in Manhattan where I thought it would fit right in, like 3 the Upper West Side, or 4 the East Village, but my good friend Mayor Bloomberg came to me and begged me to reconsider those locations – which I graciously did, and my very good friend, the Governor of New Jersey, The Honorable 5 Chris Christie told me over dinner – I had the Dover Sole, he had the 6 48 oz. Porterhouse – that he is 100% behind me on this dump. And, icidentally, I fully support his courageous veto of the bill to ban the .50 calibre assault rifle. Any man who calls himself a man should be able to own a rifle that can bring down an aircraft.”
He was then asked if he had stopped to consider that perhaps putting a monstrously huge New York City trash heap in another neighboring state might be looked upon as somewhat inconsiderate, Trump replied; “I know for a fact that anyone would be proud to have any Trump project in their neighborhood. People will welcome my dump because I made it. I took a dump and gave it my individual stamp of greatness – The Trump imprimatur., which is, of course, awesome. The people who know me, really know me, know that I’m not one to toot my own horn, but the other people, the regular, ordinary people, the little people, they all love me…I’ve no doubt whatsoever that the Newark neighborhood I’ve chosen will welcome my dump with open arms. Remember, I built 7 The Trump Taj Mahal, which has an unbelievable 1250 deluxe rooms, and is, if I may say so, way far superior, and way more awesomely fabulous than that shack in India which has, what – 560 rooms?, and – I built it in Atlantic City, New Jersey…and everyone who is anyone comes to The Trump Taj Mahal. I myself do not know anyone who’s ever gone to that other Taj Mahal. Another thing – people love me because they know in their hearts that I’m really one of them.”
And, having said that, “The Donald” then went back to supervising the twelve servants who were polishing the gold fixtures in his 30,000 square foot, three story, 50 million dollar Manhattan penthouse.
1 The Upper East Side of New York stretches East-West from 5th Ave. to the East River, and North-South from 59th st. to 96th st. Only the best white people are allowed to live there. There are no Progressives, or people of color, allowed within its borders under penalty of law.
2 Where poor people live.
3 New York City’s bastion of Progressives and Liberals. A rare sighting of Donald Trump’s limousine occurred there in late April of 1995.
4 A neighborhood where filthy pot smoking Bohemian free-love artist types co-habit without being married. There are also gays there.
5 A guy all the Republicans are getting hard and wet over because he “speaks his mind” – much like Hitler did.
6 Christie was still a little hungry and wanted to order another 48 ouncer, but they had to leave because Trump needed to get back to fire someone.
7 The original Donald Trump Big Dump.
Authors note: You may have a Donald Trump – type blowhard in your town – please feel free to substitute his name wherever.
Note: This is a re-blog/update of my original post in advance of The Donald’s bloviating regarding Hillary Clinton’s up-coming Presidential run.
© tony powers and Barking in the Dark, 2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to tony powers and Barking in the Dark with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.