Apple today announced the next generation of iPhones, and there are some huge surprises here, as well as terrific gift ideas, for the tech savvy among us. Here are some of the new Apple offerings:
The iThe Jury Phone….for the film noir fan in all of us
The iCan’t Stop Loving You Phone…for the newly separated
The iClaudius Phone…for history buffs
The iBelieve Phone…for that ultra devout member of your family
The iAm a Rock Phone…for the uber stubborn
The iBelieve I Can Fly Phone…for that sweet delusional friend
The iAm Woman Phone…for that special transvestite or cross dresser in your life
The iCan Dream Can’t I Phone…for all of us
The iCan See Clearly Now Phone…for that person in your life who just had Lasix surgery
The iAm Sam Phone…for people named Sam or Samantha
The iCan Get it For You Wholesale Phone…for that bargain-conscious friend
The iCover The Waterfront Phone…for that special hooker – male or female – in your life
The iEscaped From Devil’s Island Phone…for that newly divorced friend
The iKnow What You Did Last Summer Phone…for those filing for the above
The iLove Lucy Phone…only for men named Desi
The iLove You Alice B. Toklas Phone…for that special lesbian in your life (if her name happens to be Lucy, see the above phone)
The iNow Pronounce You Chuck and Larry Phone…(also see above – but for men)
The iSpit on Your Grave Phone…for the two-timed lover in your circle
The iSpy Phone…for that creepy peeping-tom across the way
The iStand Alone Phone…for that person you wish would bathe more often
The iChing Phone…for your friends who are going through changes
The iBeg Your Pardon Phone…for the flatulent
The iCan’t Give You Anything But Love Baby Phone…for that unemployed booty call in your life
The iCan’t Get no Satisfaction Phone…for the husbands of women who have to fake it
The iCan’t Wait Another Minute Phone…for those women who don’t
The iGet a Kick Out of You Phone…for that special masochist in your life
The iGot Rhythm Phone…for those in a relationship not using condoms
The iHear You Knocking Phone…for all of us who drive older cars
The iKnow a Place Phone…for cheating spouses
The iThink We’re Alone Now Phone…see above
The iWalk The Line Phone…for the S&M crowd
The iWant to Take You Higher Phone…for your dealer
The iWant Your Sex Phone…for those of us contemplating gender change
The iWonder Who’s Kissing Her Now Phone…for guys who really miss kissing her on her now
And finally; The iTouch Myself Phone…for that special teen boy of yours who takes thirty minute showers.
© tony powers and Barking in the Dark, 2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to tony powers and Barking in the Dark with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Barking In The Dark 
Brilliant, Tony! Best laugh of the day. Damn, you’re talented!
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Posted by youngamericanwisdom.com | December 8, 2011, 6:53 pmthank you Nancy…it’s nice to hear that from someone i still suspect puts words in her children’s mouths…funny ones too. continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | December 9, 2011, 12:20 amI’m laughing out loud, Tony. Thanks. I needed that.
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Posted by Sparks In Shadow | December 8, 2011, 3:02 amglad you enjoyed it Re…but now back to the vitriol…but funny. and i always appreciate your comments. continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | December 8, 2011, 6:33 amI went for the iThink Therefore I Am Phone. It’s the only way I could make the clerk aware of my existence.
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Posted by joem18b | December 8, 2011, 2:50 amvery wise…and philosophical as well. credit for that one goes to Dee at Miss Demure Restraint. thanks Joe. continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | December 8, 2011, 6:35 amMight I add the iThink Therefore I Am Phone for the philosophy major, iFeel Pretty Phone for the Paris Hilton wannabe, and the iSue You Phone for the ambulance chaser. Sorry, I just got a little too caught up in the moment.
Love the post . . . obviously.
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Posted by Miss Demure Restraint | December 7, 2011, 11:33 pmPlease tell me their would be a GPS app for the iLoathe You phone that will help the user avoid the PH wannabes.
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Posted by El Guapo | December 7, 2011, 11:43 pmok. but that app comes with the iAin’t Gonna Stand For It Phone. thanx EG, continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | December 8, 2011, 1:15 amLOVE these Dee. thanks…gotta run out asap and get the iThink Therefore I Am Phone. continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | December 8, 2011, 1:16 amGreat list. Afraid to ask what special Apps/Hardware are on some of these, like The iBeg Your Pardon Phone…
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Posted by El Guapo | December 7, 2011, 6:48 pmthanks EG, the iBeg Your Pardon Phone actually comes with the auto elevator door opener app…just in case. love the comment. continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | December 7, 2011, 8:49 pmYou are genius! [bow]
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Posted by MJ, Nonstepmom | December 7, 2011, 4:56 pmThank you MJ, just trying to do my best to keep us all abreast of the times. continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | December 7, 2011, 8:50 pmThank you for my morning laugh! Brilliant!
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Posted by lisahgolden | December 7, 2011, 2:37 pmYou are quite welcome Lisa h, very happy that you enjoyed this little diversion from the “ballads” which i shall now return to. thanks for the giggle. continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | December 7, 2011, 8:52 pm