Another Conference Call from Die Reichstag Headquarters or: Mitt, Rick, Newt, Ron… Josef Goebbels Here, Guten Tag…

The architects of the purge: Hitler, Göring, Goebbels, and Hess. Only Himmler and Heydrich are missing. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hello, Mitt? Rick? Newt? Ron? Guten tag meine freunde – it’s Josef  again, Josef Goebbels…

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Ja, I know we haven’t spoken in a coon’s age – what’s it been…a month, month and a half? As I always say; time flies when you’re fucking with people’s heads eh?

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Babies, kinderle, forget the Herr shit okay…we’re just a bunch of regular Nazis here, ganz gut? Just call me Joey ja? Okay? Okay! Anyway, I thought I’d check in; let you know that I think you guys are not exactly following my playbook perfectly. Haven’t I taught you patzers anything about propaganda? And anoth–

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Ricky, honey – you can stop clicking your heels and sit down – that stuff went out after Adolf rented Inglourious Basterds on Netflix …

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Ja, Ja, naturlich, the fat putz Limbaugh is funny but…

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…Ja – aber, he is killing us with the damen. The damen do not like this business about Fraulein Fluke und we’re a little worried that you have turned them against us by letting this idiot rave like this. Have you forgotten what Adolf always said after he caved when Eva was upset at him? He always said “what can we do…one pussy hair can pull a locomotive – what chance do we have?” The damen are gonna kill us if you schmucks don’t drop this crap with the contraception and the probes…although, I must say, the probes were good for us…but it doesn’t play anymore, ja? You guys have forgotten that you must keep hammering out the same messages over and over and over again about this schwartzer Obama, that he’s not a citizen – that the economy is all his fault – this is the main strategy – this is straight outta the Goebbells playbook meine freunde und…

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…Ja, und what I was going to say was exactly that…that since we know that this base of yours has the collective IQ of a hamster, we need to up the ante even more and hammer away at them that they are going to lose their Social Security, und their pensions, und their homes, und their jobs, unless a Republican is elected because it’s really the Democrats who want to privatize everything – und, not  to digress, but it was very, very brilliant – ausgezeichnet – how you guys got these working idiots in Ohio and Wisconsin to turn on their own unions, and the whole idea of a union, but that was then und now is n —

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…Nein, nein, nein, I’m sorry to sound here like that dummkopf Cain, but of course I haven’t forgotten the immigrant thing, what, you don’t know who you’re talking to all of a sudden? Ricky, Newtie – tatalas, I invented the blame-it-all-on-the-immigrants thing. It’s exactly what we did to the Jews when the economy went south in The Weimar Republic in the 20’s…we blamed it on the immigrants, the big nose Jews. Now you have the blacks, the spics, and the beaners… it’s all their fault, right? They have all the power right? Finanzstarkes ja? They caused it all. The bankers? The bankers are patzers compared to these beaners who pick the crops for 3 dollars an hour. Remember – the immigrants –  they control alles!…

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… Listen – Mittela, sweetie, just keep doing what you’re doing – repeat after me, the economy is Obama’s fault – und you’re you’re a man of the people, eine mann des volkes. Und Republicans are for working people, repeat after me; Republicans have always been for the working class…

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sehr gut, Mitt, sehr gut. You got it baby…What’s that Newtiela?…

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…Ja, keep screaming the drill baby drill pferdeapfel – it’s a winner. You and I know oil rigs are up 60 percent, the highest since 1987, and it doesn’t affect the price because the price is set by OPEC, but the boobs in the base don’t have a clue. If we make our oil backers money, they back us in elections – simple. Und let’s hammer that we need Keystone even though all the oil will be for export to other countries…und sprechin’ of Keystone; you guys did a great job voting down the Dems bill last week that would have mandated all steel in the line be from USA, and all oil be for domestic use. Not nearly as much profit there for our oil backers. Wohlgetan.

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…Ja Ricky, just keep saying Obama is Satan…Obama is Satan. Und Newt, Newtie cutie, just keep saying that you never lobbied for anyone and those women are all liars and obviously whores, that they’ve all had bastard children, you know the drill sweetheart. Ha ha…Look who I used the word “drill” with. I am funny ja? Oh – and get that fat tool Rush, and that transvestite clown Ann Coulter, on this page, and get them to screech all that Obama is an elitist scheißen. If I’d had them – and Fox News – when I was doing my thing Adolph would have won it all without a war…

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…That’s what I’m sprechin’on ya babies, you’re dealing with morons who need to be told what it is they’re actually looking at with their own eyes – it doesn’t matter if what they see is down if we say what they’re seeing is up. Nor does it matter that we’ve never done one decent thing for anybody who isn’t well-off like us. And it also doesn’t matter in the least that we haven’t got one single solitary person of substance in our “debates” – or that – let’s face facts here – you’re all pretty much ignorant putzes. In fact, this works in our favor – it’s exactly why our base likes you. Our base doesn’t trust smart people. So you just keep on doing and saying what I’ve told you to do and say. Remember what the master liar George Costanza said…”it’s not a lie – if you believe it’s true.” And let’s face it – we pure white people are definitely better than everyone else in the first place – ja? und, if you’re white und wealthy – even better – you have every right to dominate these pathetic working-class losers…

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Ya know Ronnie…Ronnie sweetheart…Ronnie liebste – I got nothin’ for ya…What kind of Republican are you anyway? We like the “no more spending on programs” thing – but I mean, why don’t you like a nice war? A lovely angriffe? What kind of Republican are you anyway?…

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VE NEED VAR! VAR IS GUT! I VILL NOT HEAR SUCH DRECK!

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I’m sorry I yelled at you Ronnie. You’re a good boy…

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…Adolf’s well, although Eva’s been on him for a new couch. I’ll tell him you all asked…in fact he’s picking me up later – we’re going for a ride in the Devil’s speedboat. The four of us are gonna go zooming through area 999 where everyone’s up to their necks in diarrhea, und we’re gonna make these huge waves. It’s hilarious – you guy’d love seein’ them struggle. Gotta run. Keep the lies comin’…Remember, like I said before; if this nigger Obama gets four more years, und gets a Democratic congress to work with, we’re fucked.

* Author’s note: There is no intention here to demean the IQ of the noble hamster by comparing their intelligence to the lack of same in any of the Republican candidates – or their base.

© tony powers and Barking in the Dark, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to tony powers and Barking in the Dark with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.