Dateline: New Blemish, Arizona
From the New Blemish Daily Morning Movement,
Mr. Wilfred T. Flense, a prominent member of the New Blemish branch of The Tea Party, and a lead tenor in the Evangelicals of America Chorus, told this reporter yesterday that the baby Jesus had appeared to him in his Swiss melt.
“I was havin’ my lunch over at Phil and Darla’s Hits ‘n Runs Diner, and that cute little Laura Sue brought me my sandwich – I like it that they do it real well done there – So anyway, I picked it up to take a bite an’ Lord-a-Mighty – there He was…the baby Jesus.
I swear on all that’s sacred He was snuggled in there between the two slices of toasted bread looking at me all sweet and everything”, an’ He asked me to come closer, so I leaned in real close like…and, in this real, real soft voice, the baby Jesus told me to tell everyone that they should get out and vote for either Mitt Romney or Newt Gingrich. It was a real genuine miracle, only thing is, I had to wait until He had toddled off before I was able to eat any of my sandwich – which I was craving.” Mr. Flense, 63, who his close friends call WTF, is married to the very lovely Edna Flense of Flense’s Exciting Doilies.
Previously, some 3 months after President Obama was sworn in, Mrs. Flense had reported to this paper that a vision of Dick Cheney had come to her while she was under the hair dryer at Mlle. Sharlene’s Maison de Beaut. Mr. Cheney, she said, had whispered to her that he had “very little respect for any of these elitist east coast tree hugging Liberal elitist intellectuals who have ruined our country, fouled our environment, and caused all this economic trouble we are now in.” She said he told her, also in a “real, real soft voice,” that “if it wasn’t for these Progressives we’d never have invaded Iraq…but it was all their noisy unpatriotic protesting that made it necessary.”
Phil and Darla’s Hits ‘n Runs Diner have since added the New and Improved Velveeta to the Swiss, and are now calling the sandwich, which has become their most popular menu item, Sweet Cheeses.
© tony powers and barking in the dark, 2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to tony powers and barking in the dark, with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
I tried to purchase the Hit’s and Runs Diner after this miraculous occurrence; which I seem to remember from some time ago as well -grin-.
Those damned Tea Party owners wouldn’t sell. Something about Jews-already-owing-the-media so they’ll take my sandwiches, for the love of sweet cheeses, from my cold dead unsanitized fingers.
I tried. Really. I tried.
~Mrs. Goldbergsteinowitz-Black
Jew York City, New Yotk
LikeLike
Dear Mrs. Goldbergsteinowitz-Black, we New Blemishites have always prided ourselves on our progressive views. Currently, the Hits and Runs diner employs their very own Jew lawyer and Jew accountant. They advised Darla against this sale. We of the New Blemish Town Council are always open to all those of the Hebe – or Ethiopian – persuasion. Thank You, Alderman B.R.B.(Billy Rae Bob)Jukes.
LikeLike
Hits and Runs!!!!
This was a great spoof on something that already seems like a story only The Onion could devise. It’s a bonus that you have a photo of my favorite lunch as a kid.
LikeLike
thanks Lisa h, i appreciate it. i’m pretty certain you only saw cheese in your grilled cheese, eh? continue…
LikeLike
Sweet Cheeses. Great name.
LikeLike
thanks Lorre, i appreciate the pick-up. continue…
LikeLike
Absolutely brilliant ! 🙂
LikeLike
Thanks Al, coming from a man who does “Literary Festivals” i am honored. continue…
LikeLike
The next offering at the diner will be a grilled cheese hotly seared on both sides: Cheeses Flipping Crisp
LikeLike
haha…witty – thanks Kitchen. continue…
LikeLike
Priceless..”Sweet Cheese”.. Better get a trademark on that real quick like.. I kid you not some fewl will claim it as his divine right..
(this was hilarious)
LikeLike
thanks Lynne, i appreciate the advice. continue…
LikeLike
Another one hit out of the ballpark, and I hope you didn’t spend to much time looking for the ham & cheese pic.
Seriously though, you are good with words. go on…
LikeLike
actually, i made a booboo – changed pic to just cheese. thanks Don. continue…
LikeLike
Could it be a lack of sleep, that causes you to make booboos? go on…
LikeLike
actually i made a boo boo…meant to just put grilled cheese there- changed it. thanks Don. continue…
LikeLike
while we had a power outage i slept – so i’m catching up now. i see i’m not the only one who’s up? 🙂 continue…
LikeLike
Thank you for solving the sleep thing. Also, I am three hours ahead of you, so it is 7:00 am as I was writing this comment. By the way, the new pic looks great. 🙂 go on…
LikeLike
I saw a red elephant in the toilet. I’m not shitting you.
(You always crack me up, Tony. Love it!)
LikeLike
ooooh Anna….nasty. love it Girrl. thanks. continue…
LikeLike
“Sweet Cheeses” Ohhhh…. grooooaaannn…………
I saw the Virgin Mary in a pile of poo from one of my dogs. Made me turn back to jesus… I have it sitting next to my bed on an altar now.
Very well written, Tony. But, I really thought you only wrote fiction………… 😉
LikeLike
hahahaha…funny – yeah, i know it is much too real eh Michelle. thanks. continue…
LikeLike
Any hints on keeping the smell down on my Virgin Mary poo-poo?
LikeLike
i say keep it, and charge the “faithful” to smell it. continue…
LikeLike
Ewwwwwwwwww…………….
LikeLike
Best comment in a thread full of best comments!
LikeLike
My laughter started with the name of the newspaper and hasn’t stopped yet!
LikeLike
thanks Re, i am so glad someone else besides me liked “the morning movement”. i appreciate it. continue…
LikeLike
I wonder….do they know my in-laws?
LikeLike
really? oy! thanks Val. continue…
LikeLike
This is a hoax perpetrated by the elitist left-wing anti-bacon forces. I hope this backfires and the world is brought under the twin leadership of Newtie Patootie and Oscar Meyer.
Imagine, Jesus appearing in a baconless sandwich. I’ve never heard the like…
LikeLike
hahahaha…imagine…guapowitz should know eh? thanks EG. continue…
LikeLike
omg omg omg praise the lord…Do you know one of my gods drank an entire bowl of milk yesterday…well he does that every now and then….so i do believe in all that this holy man said..He is the chosen one and so am I and together we are quite a tribe..praise the lord for all the sightings….
and hey I know WTF too
My God what a hilarious( but true) post 🙂
LikeLike
thanks Soma, for the (as usual) witty satirical hit-it-right-back-over-the-net comment. i appreciate it. continue…
LikeLike
Ha! I love your Sweet Cheeses & Hits ‘n Runs – you’re so funny, Tony. 🙂
I’ve heard of these visions all over the world. There was one totally ridiculous one after an earthquake some part of the world & someone truly believed that the big hole caused in their back yard showed, in a rock face, the Lord’s impression Himself. It’s just extreme. I’m sure I could shit in the toilet & see Jesus, if I stood contemplating it long enough… maybe give it a poke with the toilet brush… and maybe tear a few bits of toilet paper & let them fall strategically. Positive. In fact I might give it a go, upload a pic.
Watch this space.
LikeLike
hahahaha…and ewww…getting a lot of “shit” references on this. i musta given everyone the “runs” here. thanks for the picturesque comment Noeleen. I’m watchin’ – we all are. 🙂 continue…
LikeLike
Of course I’m spitting Fresca on the keyboard. Tony, one of these days you’ll get a bill.
Too fucking funny. Now that Santorum is gone we actually have to contend with WTF, Romney and Velveeta. All of the previously mentioned fitting nicely on their own sammich.
Wonderful satire doll. My only question…. what the hell are you doing up at this hour? Wait. Never mind. Praise the Lord and Pass the Sweet Cheeses
LikeLike
me always up late…all vampires are. thanks for the props Rachael, i really appreciate it. continue…
LikeLike