Donald Trump announced yesterday he would be building “by far the world’s largest, most fabulous, incredibly unbelievable, repository in the known world…certainly in New York City anyway.”
speaking at CPAC in Washington D.C. on February 10, 2011. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Trump, his persona a curious palette of orangey sour yellow and wall paste, and his perpetual expression, which runs the gamut from looking like he is having a very difficult bowel movement, to sucking on a juicy lemon, to having a very difficult bowel movement, announced that work on the project would begin “almost immediately…maybe even sooner.” When asked why he was doing this he said; “I love the people of New York, who, as you know, look up to me – as well as look to me for leadership. And, of course everybody knows the respect I command for my virtually legendarily fabulous business acumen, which is the reason why I put my name on all the buildings I own – which, as the whole world knows, are all over the city.
It is a proven fact that people love the name Trump. I have proof of that. And having that kind of awesomely incredibly fabulous unbelievable brand recognition I thought; what more can I do, besides all that I’ve already done, for all the wonderful small people, that would really help beautify our fair city? And by the way, I always try to wave to these wonderful regular ordinary people as I ride by them every day. And last week as I was passing them by it hit me: Trash. That was it! That’s when I came up with what I have to say is my incredibly awesome and unbelievably brilliant idea of helping us all by creating a place – a repository – where all our trash can be deposited in a high-class way.
I’m going to call it The Donald’s Big Dump.
I must say that I think I’ve had this dump in me for quite a while now, and it’s time to get it out. In my mind’s eye I can see it now: an incredibly unbelievable fabulously large, tastefully gold trimmed, high-class blinking red and blue neon sign discreetly announcing it’s presence from across the Hudson to all my fellow New Yorkers big and small – THE DONALD’S BIG DUMP. And let me say that I get these genius ideas – like this big dump – and I know I’m going to make it, but then I sit with it. I sit – and I think. And I feel them percolate, and then they run right through me. It’s a very religious experience.
So, I sat…and I thought…and I took this colossal dump and looked at it from many different angles until I saw that it would float. Now you may think that my dump is just another incredible pile, but I look upon it as a destination place for only the best, high-class, trash from all the five boroughs. and I am certain future generations will look upon this big dump of mine as the first effort in a monumentally huge movement towards making this city even more of a place where more of the right kind of people will wanna come.
Right this very minute I have what is no doubt the world’s most unbelievably incredibly unbelievable talented collection of incredible engineers working on a fantastically fabulous logarithm to completely validate my contention that my dump has no odor. And – I have incontrovertible proof positive that this is also true.
Since Mr. Trump mentioned “the Hudson”, reporters asked him where he’d been leaving his big dump, and he replied; 1 “Newark New Jersey. I originally planned on locating it somewhere in Manhattan where I thought it would fit right in, like 2 theUpper West Side, or 3 the East Village, but my very dear good friend Mayor Bloomberg came to me and begged me to reconsider those locations – which I graciously did, and my very very unbelievably dear good friend, 4 Mitt Romney – who I have proof will be an unbelievably fabulously incredibly wonderful President – told me over dinner at Le Cafe De Espèce Menacée – I had the Chilean Sea Bass, and he had the Endangered Caribou Porterhouse – that he is 100% behind me on this dump.”
He was then asked if he had stopped to consider that perhaps putting a monstrously huge New York City trash heap in another neighboring state might be looked upon as somewhat inconsiderate, Trump replied; “I know for a fact that anyone would be proud to have any Trump project in their neighborhood. People will welcome my dump because I made it. I took a dump and gave it my fabulous individual stamp of greatness – The Trump imprimatur., which is, of course, awesome, incredible, fabulous, and unbelievably unbelievable. The people who know me, really know me, know that I’m not one to toot my own horn, but the other people, the regular, ordinary people, the little people, they all love me…I’ve no doubt whatsoever that the Newark neighborhood I’ve chosen will welcome my dump with open arms. I also have proof of this.
Remember, I built 6 The Trump Taj Mahal, which has an unbelievable 1250 deluxe rooms, and is, if I may say so, far superior to that shack in India which has, what – 560 rooms?, and – I built it in Atlantic City, New Jersey…and everyone who is anyone comes to The Trump Taj Mahal. I myself do not know anyone who’s ever gone to that other Taj Mahal. Another thing, people love me because they know in their hearts that I’m really one of them. And – here is my birth certificate.”
Trump then bought a blow job – and went back to supervising the twelve slaves who were polishing the gold fixtures in his 30,000 square foot, three story, 50 million dollar Manhattan penthouse.
1 Where poor people live.
2 New York City’s bastion of Progressives and Liberals. A rare sighting of Donald Trump’s limousine occurred there in late April of 1995.
3 A neighborhood where filthy pot smoking Bohemian free-love artist types co-habit without being married. There are also gays there.
4 A guy all the Republicans are getting hard and wet over because he is a windsock.
5 The original Donald Trump Big Dump.
Authors note: You may have a Donald Trump – type blowhard in your town – please feel free to substitute his name wherever.
© tony powers and Barking in the Dark, 2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to tony powers and Barking in the Dark with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Barking In The Dark 
Man, this is one of your funniest ! Yeah, here in the UK as kids we called farts “trumps” but as a slang term it seems to be fading now, what the Top Trumps game and all. I think it’s ripe for bringing back into that usage though. Take your Hollywood stereotypical Brit character, slap on a bowler hat, curl your nose slightly and look down at your partner and say, in your haughtiest tone, ” I say, have you ……trumped ? ” (Sorry, descending into schoolboy behaviour. ) 🙂
PS. And I just can’t hear his name without that gaseous image.
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Posted by Single Malt Monkey | June 7, 2012, 7:23 amthanks a lot Al, i do appreciate the kind words from someone who’s read a fair bit of my stuff. yes, i wonder if he knows how appropriate his name is…naaaah…continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | June 9, 2012, 2:58 pmBrilliant, as always. Donald’s Big Dump. You kill me!
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Posted by SusanWritesPrecise | June 3, 2012, 5:40 pmthanks Susan, i do appreciate it lots. continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | June 3, 2012, 7:07 pmi am trying to kill everyone at all times Susan. Thanks for being slain. 🙂 continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | June 9, 2012, 3:00 pm“almost immediately…maybe even sooner.” HA! Perfect. Donald Trump and the constant constipated look on his face bothers me. Great post, Tony.
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Posted by Nicole Marie | June 3, 2012, 4:54 amthanks for the kind words – and the great line pick-up. NM. continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | June 3, 2012, 7:08 pmYou wrote this post, just like the way the pompous asshole speaks. Reading it, gave me a visual of him, talking out of both ends: mouth and asshole. go on…
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Posted by Don in Massachusetts | June 2, 2012, 6:31 pmthanks Don. continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | June 2, 2012, 6:39 pmHadn’t heard this newest blathering Trump crap until reading your blog Tony.
There may be people who worship this asshat but I’ve never been one of them. Hell, Trump Towers was a joke -to we plebe working people..even though we made heaps of unearned money back then- in the big spending 80’s. The only people who frequented the building, apartments and shops were pretentious douchebags. Am I right?
Remember when he built his casino in Atlantic City, Believe it is/was the Taj Mahal. Another joke. Let’s face it….AC? Fab neighborhood. Big shock it has only kept deteriorating.
Been there. Lost money at that 😉
What I always think about when I hear Trump? Bankrupt selfish egocentric swindler.
Surely it’s just me.
What’s that quote about forgetting history…?
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Posted by Rachael Black | June 2, 2012, 2:12 amRachael…actually, re Taj Mahal- of course i remember -it’s in last paragraph. anyway – Sam Flowers mentioned down below – in UK “trump” means fart…perfect eh? continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | June 2, 2012, 4:41 amsaw the trump=fart comment and laughed my ass off. Laughed… not gassed.
Re-read the piece and saw the Taj Mahal mention this time.
Speaking of Duh….
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Posted by Rachael Black | June 2, 2012, 4:58 ami see your duh and raise you 2 duhs. xo continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | June 2, 2012, 4:05 pmTwo Duh!
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Posted by Rachael Black | June 2, 2012, 6:15 pmCan Trump be the first to be dumped in the dump? Oh, wait… that may pose problems to your “no odor”….
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Posted by Michelle at Motley News | June 2, 2012, 12:34 amhahahahaha…yes, that would be a problem Michelle – but he has his fabulously unbelievably incredible staff
working on that. continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | June 2, 2012, 4:43 amDid I miss it? You for got the bankruptcy judges that love him, the vendors that love him after he stiffs them on the money he owes, all the employees that love him after he doesn’t pay them…..
oh my do I go to far? Sorry
The Donald is the original famous for doing nothing poster boy for ugly (inside and out). Thank you for your wit, it added to my fabulous day.
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Posted by Valentine Logar | June 1, 2012, 8:54 pmand i thank u Val for reminding us further what a colossal piece of shit he is. continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | June 2, 2012, 4:45 amHow does he ever lift his oversized head….continue!!
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Posted by The Confirmation Files | June 1, 2012, 6:59 pmright at this very moment the greatest minds in physics are working on this very question. thanks CF. continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | June 2, 2012, 4:56 amSomewhere in my very long past I learned the phrase “pompous ass.” It’s the perfect description for Donald Trump.
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Posted by PiedType | June 1, 2012, 6:06 pmperfect indeed. thanks PT, continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | June 1, 2012, 6:18 pmIn the UK a trump is another name for a fart – so good to see Donald following through…
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Posted by Sam Flowers | June 1, 2012, 5:38 pmwonderful Sam. thanks, continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | June 1, 2012, 6:18 pmYou can tell so much about a person just by looking at their face. I mean, look at that puffy, smug little mug. It speaks for itself. (In other words, I wish that man would zip it. On the other hand, he’s bringing Mitt down with him at the moment, so let him flap.)
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Posted by girl in the hat | June 1, 2012, 4:44 pmtrue that Anna. continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | June 1, 2012, 6:19 pmCan’t say I know all that much about Trump other than I find him irritating and he makes for great material for your posts. Thanks for the food for thought & a great laugh to start the day Tony !
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Posted by MJ, Nonstepmom | June 1, 2012, 2:01 pmthank you Janet. continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | June 1, 2012, 6:20 pmEvery time I look at The Trumpster I get all itchy and feel a case of the hives approaching…
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Posted by free penny press | June 1, 2012, 12:03 pmLynne, i know what you mean. continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | June 1, 2012, 6:20 pmOMG Tony you are a weapon of mass destruction, you must be knowing that…now Donald big dump may have survived nuclear bomb but he wont survive this…somehow we have to contact hackers and get this excellent piece leaked from your blog,that way you can always claim innocence that you never knew and one of your fans must have done it and you are looking into the matter..
you are a genius 🙂
my mom told me be famous or know some one who is ..wait it was not my mom…anyways i am glad i know you
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Posted by Soma Mukherjee | June 1, 2012, 8:19 ami humbly (not really) thank you Soma…also, i have people out scouring the country for info as to how this piece got posted on my blog. 🙂 continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | June 1, 2012, 6:23 pm