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Breaking News: Alice Holds First Press Conference – Calls U.S. an “Asylum”

Alice, who famously said in Alice in Wonderland, “it’s the stupidest tea party I ever was at in all my life,” today retracted that statement.

Tea Time

Tea Time (Photo credit: Maia C)


In a press conference held earlier on the lawn of The Mad Hatter’s summer home in Amagansett, Long Island, Alice declared, “after experiencing the current political state of affairs in America, and after witnessing first hand this thing you have here called – and here she made the air quotes gesture – The  Tea Party, I can now safely say, without fear of contradiction, that I spoke way too soon.”


When reporters pressed her to elaborate on her statement Alice said, “This  tea party  you are currently having is  really, by far, the stupidest party ever – tea or otherwise! This is a party filled with boobs of all types who have no clue as to which end is up, on which side their bread is buttered, and how green your own grass is. Nor do you have even the foggiest notion. And, you serve the worst processed foods as well.”


Alice took a sip of tea and continued, “I have spent the last 30 odd years observing America’s condition – and  odd  is a fitting word. It seems to me that 80% of your country’s citizens are either ill-informed, non-informed, uneducated, or so financially pressed as to be all-consumed by the day-to-day task of merely putting food on table – or roof over head. You are gullible, resigned to your lot, unquestioning, and just plain disgusted, and thus you have abdicated all power, and, most distressingly, all power to reason, and ability to connect the dots.


The terrible thing is; almost half of you in the 80% manage to vote – and because you are so  ill-informed, and  so  easily misled, you continue to elect the very people that have caused the calamity that is your existence – and except for the 1% who are doing the misleading – the remaining 19% of you – who  do  know which end is up – is left to live with the moronic voting decisions of the majority in this 80%.”


Alice was on a roll; “Which brings me to this 1% – this odious bunch that I  still  do not count as culpable as I do the sheepish 80% among you. This 1% is  so  transparently vile in their greed and wanton destructiveness as to amaze that  anyone  in their right mind believes  anything  that  any  of this bunch utters. This is undeniable proof that my Wonderland is a place of sanity compared to the asylum you call your country.


This 1% cannot  help  being greedy. It is their  nature  to make 10 million dollars, keep eight-an-a-half of it, and decry the fact that someone living on a pension – which they have paid into all their working life,  is getting an  entitlement!   They scream “socialism!” This, while taking millions in a government bailout of their banks. It is the      very nature  of these people to be selfish, win-at-all-cost, and unwilling to even consider that their actions might adversely affect the majority of your country.


And these people, this 1%, have systematically set about to destroy government – along with any regulations that may keep them from robbing you blind – so they can point their finger and say – “See? Government doesn’t work!”


Alice took another sip of tea; “And I understand the pathology of these people. At bottom, they haven’t a trace of the empathy most “normal” humans possess, nor do they possess a conscience. They believe with all their heart that they are the center of the universe, and that they are therefore more important than anyone else. They do not posses a sense of the cosmic connection of all life. They do not believe in Karma. They are not philosophers – they are here to amass. And  you  are in their way – unless, and until, you can be used.


So  them   I understand.”


She took another sip of tea and continued; “Who, and what, I do  not  understand, are you in the 80% who have lived through the failures of the policies of this 1% (Of course, the 1% would say that their policies have been  most  successful –wouldn’t they?)  And,  having lived through Reagan, and Nixon, and Agnew, and Kissinger, and Bush 1, and Bush 2, and Rove, and Cheney, and now Norquist, and Gingrich, and Santorum, and Bachmann, and Romney, and still Rove, and seeing how your unions are being busted – because unions threaten the robber baron rich by keeping workers united, and are able to collectively bargain for a fairer share – and seeing how this 1% is attempting successfully to disenfranchise some of you – to  take away your very right to vote  – you, the majority of the 80%,  still  vote for these liars, these greedy self-servers, these callous uncaring criminals.


You  still  believe the words and the  promises  of the 1% rather than their  actionsStill believe their words, and their promises, instead of your own eyes,  and  your experience. You  still  believe in what has  repeatedly  failed to work. You  still  believe the fairy tale – which none of us who actually  live  in a fairy tale believe – that one day you too shall be as rich, because the 1% – who  never  gives  anything  away – is going to make it possible for you to be so.


Yes, my friends – this America of yours is what I find to be the  true  Wonderland, the  true  land down the rabbit hole.”


The Mad Hatter leaned over and whispered something into Alice’s ear. Alice smiled and said, “my friend the Mad Hatter wanted you all to understand that at least  his  craziness had a good reason – mercury poisoning – but, other than sheer breathtaking stupidity, you people have no such valid excuse for your lunacy.”






© tony powers and Barking in the Dark, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to tony powers and Barking in the Dark with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.


About barkinginthedark

Tony Powers is a writer/actor/musician. His full bio may be seen by clicking on the picture, and then clicking on either of the 2 boxes below it.


22 thoughts on “Breaking News: Alice Holds First Press Conference – Calls U.S. an “Asylum”

  1. I’ll take Wonderland for sanity over Washington DC any time. Looking back through your blog today, I can’t help but take note of how on target you have always been.

    I miss you as well as the wit and intelligence with which you have pointedly illuminated the danger of these political times.


    Posted by Miss Demure Restraint | March 1, 2013, 8:14 am
    • all good here Dee, thanks for asking. been very occupied writing a musical most of last year, and now recording a new CD. thanks for the kind words re Barking in the Dark…perhaps i’ll get back to it soon. likewise, i trust ur well and doing. continue…


      Posted by barkinginthedark | March 1, 2013, 10:32 pm


    Posted by Michelle at Motley News | June 13, 2012, 8:53 pm
  3. ouch and since Alice has such a fine taste she will never ever enjoy tea here in India..damn just when i thought of inviting her here…


    Posted by Soma Mukherjee | June 12, 2012, 12:51 am
  4. This was Perfect.


    Posted by Madame Weebles | June 11, 2012, 10:40 am
  5. Seriously, you need a bigger venue for this stuff.

    I believe the Red Queen/Rove SuperPAC is plastering the airwaves to discount this message even as we speak.


    Posted by El Guapo | June 11, 2012, 9:17 am
  6. The 1% truly know how to spin the message(s) concerning the poor, the retired and the down and out people. All they want is more money, and more and then complete control of out lives and government. go on…


    Posted by Don in Massachusetts | June 11, 2012, 8:30 am
  7. A post after my heart – one of my fav. books for so many reasons – Infinitely creative to see the tea party through Alice’s eyes !!!!


    Posted by MJ, Nonstepmom | June 11, 2012, 6:35 am
  8. I played with mercury when I was a kid …


    Posted by PiedType | June 10, 2012, 3:36 pm
  9. Or insanity is voting for the same-old same-old and expecting different results, or something!


    Posted by Sam Flowers | June 10, 2012, 3:34 pm
  10. George: “Gracie, do you have anything more to add?”
    Gracie: “No, George. I’m speechless.”
    George: “We’ll go with that then. Say goodnight, Gracie.”
    Gracie: “Goodnight, Gracie.”
    George: “Well done.”


    Posted by jotsfromasmallapt | June 10, 2012, 7:05 am


  1. Pingback: For Fractals’ Sake, It Better Be Friday… « BuddhaKat - June 15, 2012

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