VALUES VOTERS MEET IN WASHINGTON or: MOMMY, I’M A’SCARED OF THE CRAZY PEOPLE!

The other evening laundries in and around our nation’s capital, as well as those of the very finest hotels, were kept buzzing deep into the early morning hours in a feverish attempt to get all the necessary sheets laundered, starched, and ironed, in order that the many delegates to the ultra-conservative Republican Values Voters conference could appear presentable.

“One always desires to wear a freshly laundered white sheet, and in that vein, I should personally like to commend Ah Fong’s over on K Street for their excellent ironing abilities. Those chinks really can press a suit,” gushed one attendee.

The early morning seminars were well attended, especially the ones on “Should women really be allowed to vote?” “The fundamentals and mastery of the goose-step,” And the Rick Santorum-led discussion on “The link between Karl Marx and contraceptives.” The morning’s most popular seminar, the Michele Bachmann moderated “How to hide a gay husband,” drew an overflow crowd of rapt Republican women.

After this seminar all the talk around the “whites only” bar centered on Michele’s new tiara; said one impeccably starched Republican doyen, “she is the very epitome of conservative Republican womanhood.” Added another, “I thought my tiara was grand, but who could outshine Michele? And it isn’t easy, mind you, to fit a tiara over a somewhat pointy hood – and to carry it off in such grand style. Also, taken in tandem, the hood and the tiara do tend to flatten one’s carefully coiffed head, but in dire times like these one must be willing to make grave sacrifices.” Meanwhile, at the “blacks only” bar the four attendees discussed who appeared whiter.

The annual “Who’s more Christ-like?” contest was won by multi-billionaire J.C. “Buddy” Smeck who entered the event – to great applause – borne on a sedan chair, carried by four “gen-yoo-ahn” scantily clad Nubians. “I checked their pro-ven- nahnce mahseff,” said Smeck. At the sight of the Nubians, many of the women oohed and ahhed – while fanning themselves frantically as they whispered heatedly among themselves – the words “Mandingo” “probably huge” and “well-hung” were heard – and quite a few of the women were seen to swoon dead away.

Among the many issues raised in the afternoon, the highlights were, “Why isn’t cross burning more acceptable?” “Should gays be allowed in public?” “Has slavery been given a bad rap?” “The guillotine:  pro or con?” and, “Why the mere thought of an erection should be considered the first sign of life.”

Flanked by six parapelegic veterans in wheelchairs and six Marines in full battle dress,

Sarah Palin brought down the house with her impassioned speech; “The shame of using our military for political purposes.”

Rush Limbaugh was a big hit with his speech on stricter marijuana laws in conjunction with privatizing prisons. He also made an impassioned plea for the legalization of oxycontin.

Entertainment was provide by Ann Coulter who revealed, to great applause (and to the last seventeen people who didn’t know), that she was a drag queen. She then did her dead-on impersonations of Marcus Bachmann and Mitch McConnell.

The evening’s sponsors the billionaire industrialists Koch Brothers, who had to follow Coulter’s amazing tour-de-force, made a good impression anyway with their sober talk on the importance of the continuing fight against environmental regulations. “This nation runs on oil and anything that seeks to change that fact must be resisted,” said David Koch. Charles Koch added “And, bear in mind: we at Koch industries lead the way in pollution control and anyone who says different is a bald-faced liar.” This remark precipitated a spontaneous standing ovation and a prolonged chant of “drill baby, drill.” This prompted the excited Ms Palin to get up and twerk.

Antonin Scalia spoke on the need for the existence of poor and uneducated people because, as he wisely noted, “Who else will fight and die in our wars, as well as pick our crops for next to nothing?” He then elaborated on the matter of school availability so dear to the heart of every ultra-conservative right wing Republican when he said; “We must re-dedicate ourselves to the effort to make sure that we only provide a good education to the right people.” This last delivered with a wink. The audience gave that remark a standing ovation as well accompanied by many “Praise Gods” and lusty “Hallelujahs.”

Louie Gohmert then took the podium to deliver his talk; “Obama – why isn’t he married?” which prompted many in the audience to nod their heads and turn to ask each other; “Yes, why isn’t he?”

Family Research Council leader Tony Perkins followed this up with his speech; “As Jesus would tell us: homosexuals: if they vote Republican, fine…if they don’t fuck ‘em in the ass.”

Then it was left for Virginia Gubernatorial candidate Ken Cuccinelli to deliver the fiery “Our special three-way – How Christ shares our bed, sub-titled; “I might go down on Jesus,” which had the entire crowd breathing hard and waving their miniature burning crosses.

After the speeches, a bejeweled platinum blonde patrician, having removed her hood in order to better sip her fourth martini, sniffed that she was a proud homemaker, devoted wife, and mother of eight, who couldn’t “understand how these socialist feminazis get away with so much backtalk and sass. Do they not know their place?” she asked, and then; “they seem to have very little respect for our Christian family values?” Turning to her husband, she waited for his almost imperceptible nod of approval – and then smiled.

A bit later, she was seen giving a double blow-job to two prominent un-named billionaire industrialists in the men’s room as the men tongue kissed each other.

Promptly at seven pm the huge hooded and robed crowd, led by Pastor John Hagee, Ralph Reed and Tony Perkins chanted “Eeny, meeny, miny, mo, catch a nigger by the toe.” As a huge burning cross  appeared on a screen overhead, the crowd roared and stood as one while lustily singing “Dixie” before breaking for yet more pre-dinner cocktails. Following cocktails everyone sat for a twenty-four course banquet which was served by a temporary minimum-wage staff of 200 from the homeless shelter on the other side of town. As one portly wag commented between bites of foie, “Having this staff here to serve us proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that we values voters are charitable we are Christians, and we are the job creators.”

• © tony powers and Barking in the Dark, 2013.. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to tony powers and Barking in the Dark with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.