BULLETIN: THIS JUST IN…

Dateline USA 2015

We interrupt this blog to report that no students repeat – no students – were shot in The United States of America today. This is a first since April, 2014.

National Rifle Association representative R. C. “Chesty” Pullet said; “This is a very serious occurrence – or non-occurrence. We have no explanation for this non-event as we have made every effort, and believed we had succeeded, in arming every American citizen – including the most underprivileged and deranged among us. Well…especially the most underprivileged and deranged among us.” When pressed further by TV news shows as to how this could have happened Mr. Pullet opined, “Perhaps there just aren’t enough guns on the street. We thought we had done quite a thorough job in this endeavor but…” His voice tailed off and for a second he appeared to be genuinely puzzled.

Handgun Cycling (Photo credit: dagnyg)

News divisions in every major and cable TV network were left with hours of empty time to fill. And a representative for the Bain Capital owned Clear Channel, which features such major journalists as Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity said, “This is very upsetting news. Our listeners expect to hear about shootings every day. And, through our on-air personalities, we have been in the forefront when it comes to promoting second amendment rights for every citizen – especially regardless of race or ethnicity.

Saudi prince Alwaleed bin Talal who owns 5.5% of Fox, thelargest share of News Corp. stock outside the Murdoch family,was reportedly saddened by the news that no American students were shot and killed by other students today and when asked to comment by reporters of Al Jazeera America declined to do so.

The NRA is calling for Congressional hearings to determine how such a thing could have happened. A House Tea Party Republican who preferred his name not be released said, “We will get to the bottom of this oversight or my name isn’t – well…we will get to the bottom of this, mark my words. The second amendment is sacrosanct.” When the reporters from Al Jazeera America asked him to quote the exact passage of the second amendment to which he was referring he replied, “You can read it for yourself.”

Rush Limbaugh speculated, “Perhaps we have been resting on our laurels lo these many years and haven’t widened the gulf between the wealthy and the middle class as much as we thought we had. I’m asking myself: where has the anger gone? Don’t the peasants care to slaughter each other in their misguided anger at the wrong people? It’s a mystery that we must get to the bottom of if we are to remain a beacon of democracy. I’ll be consulting my good friends Charles and David Koch in this disturbing matter.”

© tony powers and Barking in the Dark, 2013. Unauthorized
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