Dateline: New Blemish, Alabama
From the New Blemish Daily Morning Movement,
Mr. Wilfred T. Flense, a prominent member of the New Blemish branch of The Freedom Caucus, told this reporter yesterday that the baby Jesus had appeared to him in his Swiss melt, “I was havin’ mah lunch ovuh at Phil and Darla’s Hits ‘n Runs Diner they-uh, an’ that cute little Laura Sue brought me mah san’wich – Ah like it that they do it real well done they-uh – So anyway, Ah picked it up to take a bite an’ they-uh He was…the baby Jesus. Ah ’bout nea-uh swooned in mah melt.
Ah sway-er on all thass sacred He was snuggled in they-er between them they-er two slices of toasted bread lookin’ at me all sweet an’ everythin’, an’ He ast me to come closer, so Ah leant in real close like…an’, in this real, real, real soft voice, the baby Jesus tol’ me to tell everyone that they should get out and vote fo-uh either Dr. Ben Carson or that purty Missy Carly Farina. An’ Ah really do enjoy the breakfast cereal that she an’ her family makes.
The Baby Jesus also said that they alone knew how to wipe away all ou-uh sins –an’ he said that Mr. Donal Trump would do if they wasn’t runnin’ an’ of course Ah believe that anyway. It was a real gen-oo-ine miracle. Onlyest thing is, Ah had to wait until He had toddled off before Ah was able to eat any of mah sandwich – which Ah was sorely cravin’.”
Mr. Flense, 63, who his close friends call WTF, is married to the very lovely Edna Flense of Flense’s Exciting Doilies. Previously, some 3 months after President Obama was sworn in, Mrs. Flense had reported to this paper that a vision of Dick Cheney had come to her while she was under the hair dryer at Mlle. Sharlene’s Chalet de Beaut.
Mr. Cheney, she said, had whispered to her that he had “very little respect for any of these elitist East Coast tree hugging Commie Liberals like “that they-er Bernie Sanders fella” who have ruined our country, fouled our environment, and caused all this economic trouble we are now in.” She said he told her, also in a “real, real soft voice,” that “if it wasn’t fo-uh these Commie Progressives we’d nevuh even have invaded Eye-raq…but it was all they-uh noisy unpatriotic protestin’ ovuh this ‘n that an’ also that b–ch Hillary Clinton whut made it necessary.”
Phil and Darla’s Hits ‘n Runs Diner have since added Velveeta to the Swiss, and are now calling the sandwich, which has become their most popular menu item, Sweet Cheeses of Nazareth.
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