Republican OUTRAGE! (Next Thing You Know He’ll Come for One of Our Three Bentleys)

Image by Sherlock77 (James) via Flickr

Congressional Republicans expressed outrage today at the mere whiff of the notion that President Obama will put forth a proposal to tax millionaires at the same rate as middle-class taxpayers. Said one, under the condition of anonymity, “what right has this darkie got to tell my friends that they should pay as much a percentage in taxes as all these nobodies pay.” Another, a billionaire, also asking to remain anonymous, added; “This coon is really becoming a nuisance…I inherited my money the old fashioned way – from my father, who inherited it from his father – who was a hard working well-respected arms dealer – and his father before him, who ran rum, and who was, at the turn of the century, the undisputed biggest slumlord on the lower east side of New York City. I need my four homes, two yachts, and my manservant, among other necessities. But I wouldn’t expect a common working person to understand this. This kind of class envy thing just reinforces my belief that abolishing slavery was a huge mistake.”

The anger rippling through the House of Representatives was palpable. Said one Representative practically foaming at the mouth; “Why we ever gave these damn women the damn vote is beyond me. They should’ve been kept pregnant and in the damn kitchen where they belong – with their damn mouths shut!” Speaker of the House John Boehner said last week that tax increases were “not a viable option,” and he further added, “It’s a very simple equation. Tax increases destroy jobs.” Another Republican Representative standing nearby, who also asked to remain anonymous, added “So true. I heartily concur with the Speaker on this. My dear friend Carter Bilge III added two chauffeurs to his payroll last year. I daresay he couldn’t have added those jobs were he shouldering even a slightly higher tax burden. This is a completely unfair proposal put forth by – let’s face it – a second-class citizen, and smacks of a Commie Socialist agenda.”

He then went back to pulling the wings off of a butterfly.

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