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commentary, Humor, satire

Putting Christ Back in Christmas the “Family Values” Way

The Family Research Council, Focus on the Family, and The Christian Coalition have just issued a report condemning certain Christmas carols as “un-Christ-like, un-Christian, unfriendly to family values, and aiding in the advancement and glorification of certain un-American lifestyles.”

Logo of the Family Research Council.

Image via Wikipedia

Pointing out that the carol “Hark the Herald Angels Sing” as the most egregious offender, the groups cite the lyric “Don we now our gay apparel” as being “particularly offensive and at the forefront in the battle for the impressionable minds of America’s youth.” A spokesman for Focus on the Family said “We need these young minds in our battle against Satan himself.” Many of the group’s elder statesmen also note that “this lyric also promotes cross-dressing, transvestism, and unspeakable acts of a homo-erotic nature such as bondage and discipline, ball-in-mouth fetishism, sado-masochistic pleasures, golden showers, coprophagia, the way dogs do it, and frottage. And all, mind you, with members of the same sex.” He further noted that “in the case of frottage this is particularly unspeakable when done on public transportation.”

Also coming under intense fire from these “values voter” groups was the old standby “Silent Night.” Said a member of Focus on the Family “how anyone could sing a lyric like “…Round yon virgin mother and child…” – and not think impure thoughts is beyond my comprehension. In this one lyric alone is the seed of sex pure and simple and it is certainly within the realm of my imagination, and the imaginations of all of our members, that singing this lyric of temptation can, and will, put thoughts of incest into any young malleable mind. And the word “virgin” is also a word fraught with “implications.”

As for “Oh Come, All Ye Faithful” all the members were unanimous in their concern that this carol does, in fact, encourage masturbation in young and old alike and, as such, must be avoided at all costs. Said one mother in The Family Research Council “I panicked the other day when I heard my 16 year old son singing this carol in the shower, and I had to run in there, grab him, whisk him out of the tub, look closely to make sure his…member wasn’t…you know… then dry him off  – all over, and get him out of there. That was a close call. But I’ll do it every night if I have to.”

Other carol lyrics to also come under close scrutiny by the ever vigilant group were “The First Noel,” and in particular the line “…in fields where they lay tending their sheep…” which all agree definitely promotes bestiality in young minds. Heavy fire was also directed at the line in “Angels We Have Heard on high” which says “…See him in a manger laid…” All agreed that this too most assuredly put impure thoughts into young minds, and both songs would be especially thought provoking when sung on farms.

We just received this note: As of this writing we, the values voter community, have changed the aforementioned lyrics in our carol books to “Don we now our designer apparel,” “Round yon Vermont mother and child,” the title of Oh Come, All Ye Faithful” is now listed as “Oh comb, All Ye Faithful,” and “See him in a manger laid” is now “See him as a manager paid.” And an even later change has been made in the carol “Oh Holy Night” – in it, the line “fall on your knees” has been changed, for “obvious reasons” said a member of Focus on the Family, to “fall on your skis.”

Happy holidays all. We sincerely hope this helps.

© tony powers and Barking in the Dark, 2011.. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to tony powers and Barking in the Dark with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

About barkinginthedark

Tony Powers is a writer/actor/musician. His full bio may be seen by clicking on the picture, and then clicking on either of the 2 boxes below it.


18 thoughts on “Putting Christ Back in Christmas the “Family Values” Way

  1. You’re a scream, Tony. You really are a scream 🙂


    Posted by Noeleen | March 23, 2012, 12:25 pm
  2. Hilarious! You’ve given me an idea to use this Council to my advantage – an anonymous email asking them to investigate the practice of an old man monitoring young children’s behavior -particularily the “naughty” aspects and then sneaking in while they sleep.


    Posted by MJ, Nonstepmom | December 27, 2011, 9:21 pm
  3. Was working on a pithy comment here, but really, you’ve covered this brilliantly. Any rejoinder would pale in comparison.
    Well done!


    Posted by El Guapo | December 27, 2011, 5:56 pm
  4. Hahaha, you’re just too good at this. You suck me in (no Carol intended) and then I go “Wait a minute…..” Great stuff. 🙂


    Posted by Single Malt Monkey | December 26, 2011, 9:34 am
    • Thanks SMM…actually “you suck me in” was the original title of “good king wenceslas” but the church elders objected to the word “me” saying it smacked of to much hubris so…anyway, happy ho ho ho, and a healthy 2012 to you. continue…


      Posted by barkinginthedark | December 27, 2011, 1:40 am
  5. nice.

    they weren’t too happy with “I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus” either, particularly the unrated verses.


    Posted by joem18b | December 26, 2011, 2:04 am
  6. It certainly made me laugh. 🙂 !


    Posted by Sparks In Shadow | December 24, 2011, 7:29 am
  7. Could you hear me laughing across the country? I’m dying here!


    Posted by lisahgolden | December 24, 2011, 4:34 am
  8. Insane! The world is become insane, I tell you! And paranoid…. Stop the world, let me off!!!


    Posted by She speaks.... | December 24, 2011, 3:28 am

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