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commentary, Humor, satire

Newt: Me? Racist?

English: Newt Gingrich at a political conferen...

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Newt Gingrich paused over his plate of fried chicken, greens, and cornbread, to answer critics of his latest racially charged statements. Said Mr. Gingrich, “These criticisms are ludicrous at best, anyone who knows me knows I have many, many Negro friends – and, it is a matter of record that I am one of the black American’s best friends. I mean, take for example the fact that for longer than I care to remember I have been in the company of my chauffeur William. He drives me everywhere. I’d take him inside with me of course, but a lot of what I do involves government stuff which I know he’d only be bored by, so I let him wait in the car. I think it’s the considerate thing to do. And – and – just this morning I gave my very dear friend Florence, who’s incidentally my housekeeper, a raise in her wages to $9.85 an hour. So I’m really tired of all this racist stuff – really. I should also point out that the other night at The Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts my dear wife Callista and I sat next to a black couple. Does that sound as if I’m a racist? And speaking of my dear wife I have to say that the neck bones they do here are almost as good as hers.” He looked around the restaurant… “Boy…Boy” he waved a waiter over, “could I get a slice of watermelon and some more sweet tea?” he then continued, “I’ve been to this place Mom’s Chicken ‘n Waffles – that’s m-o-m-s and a small n with an apostrophe in front of it – twice now, and they seem very friendly, and I’m amazed that there’s no loud music, and people are actually polite – you know, there’s no bitch this and motherfucker that, and they eat just the same way as regular people do, it’s really quite refreshing. But back to this racist accusation – for as long as I can remember I have been the colored people’s best friend in Washington, and I will remain their best friend.” He made a motion to ask for the check. “This is food for the soul” Mr. Gingrich said “food for the soul…you know, I think they should use that, I think I just hit on a great phrase…Soul food…huh? That’s great right? Soul food.” The waiter brought the check and when Mr. Gingrich put his credit card on it the waiter said “sorry sir, we only take cash.” “You only take cash? Are you kidding?” Gingrich looked amazed. “Imagine – cash only, what kind of a policy is that? It would have been nice if William would’ve mentioned that – the first time I was here, which was last night, William paid. Well…this is embarrassing. Do you have any cash” he asked me. “You see – that’s what I mean -that’s why these blacks can’t make a go of things; they’re just so far behind the curve.” I paid the check. “The NAACP should definitely invite me to tell them how to go about managing their portfolios in the current economic climate. There’s a lot of stock and bond maneuvering they need to get caught up on.” As we left Mom’s Gingrich paused at the open kitchen “Yo, Mom – mad props on the greens sista…you go girl wit’chya bad self – respect”. Mom smiled wanly and went back to her cooking. “She loves when I talk that black talk to her…I’m street dog, and it lets her know that I’m right there beside her in that kitchen feeling the blackness of her experience.” We got into his idling Mercedes “William, no one tried to take a hubcap or anything did they?” He asked.

 

© tony powers and Barking in the Dark, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is

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About barkinginthedark

Tony Powers is a writer/actor/musician. His full bio may be seen by clicking on the picture, and then clicking on either of the 2 boxes below it.

Discussion

18 thoughts on “Newt: Me? Racist?

  1. So much of what V. Lyn had to say expresses my thoughts, too. There’s so much of this hatred of other people’s physical appearance and culture, and hatred of kindness and empathy, that I’m beginning to understand the whiff of Stockholm syndrome inherent in the term “black republican.”

    You’ve hit the nail on the head again, Tony. But you know that.

    Like

    Posted by Sparks In Shadow | January 12, 2012, 1:15 am
    • Thanks Re, it’s long been a puzzlement to me how any person of color could be a republican. even if they buy into the fantasy of getting into the “club”…i don’t get it. an interesting stockholm syndrome link and another great comment. continue…

      Like

      Posted by barkinginthedark | January 12, 2012, 1:48 am
  2. A great send up of a nasty man. I hear the NAACP wants him to be their keynote speaker – not so he can school them on food stamps and welfare, but to teach them how to become multi-millionaire lobbyists.

    Like

    Posted by Lisa Golden | January 11, 2012, 1:29 pm
  3. I couldn’t decide whether to laugh or to cry…and in the end I did both. I laughed at how pathetic and accurate I think you captured not only Newt but the sentiment of many in this Republican party. I cried for the same reasons… I thought about the HATE these people feel for the President and his family for no other reason than the color of the skin of those who call the White House their residence. I cried because a new generation is growing surrounded by the hate that has intertwined itself in the fabric of this nation. And I cried because I fear both for my daughter and her son who both look white, (especially for my five years old grandson) will he be made to endure this continuous wave of racism…I wonder as he get older will he be picked on by both white and black…will he be made to choose…will he look at me, his brown skin grandmother, and want to deny one of the people who love him the most…will he look at the face of his brown skin younger sister and want to distance his self from her..will he be vulnerable to the hate that continues to metastasized in our society because fearful white christian conservatives see the benefit in keeping it alive…And I laugh because I see my grandsons face with his large blue eyes and his tiny pearl teeth shine forth in the expanse of his smile I know he loves me as dearly as I love him, and all the Newt, Ron Paul’s, Herman Cain’s, Bachmanns, Gingrich’s and Santorums can never change that only I can and I will never allow that to happen.

    Like

    Posted by V. Lyn | January 11, 2012, 3:59 am
  4. The opening line is an instant classic!

    Like

    Posted by On My Square | January 10, 2012, 10:04 pm
  5. Ah, Newt the street dog. Can we pretend that he’s rabid (not that far a stretch) and just shoot him?

    Like

    Posted by El Guapo | January 10, 2012, 3:08 pm
  6. It won’t be long before this bullshit artist is sent home packing.

    Like

    Posted by Don in Massachusetts | January 10, 2012, 11:38 am
  7. The good thing about the Primaries?….they give you great material….nice one.

    Like

    Posted by Single Malt Monkey | January 10, 2012, 7:25 am
  8. Okay… straight up Q & A here… How did you get a hold of Newt’s diary???

    Like

    Posted by She speaks.... | January 10, 2012, 5:06 am

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