Newt Gingrich paused over his plate of fried chicken, greens, and cornbread, to answer critics of his latest racially charged statements. Said Mr. Gingrich, “These criticisms are ludicrous at best, anyone who knows me knows I have many, many Negro friends – and, it is a matter of record that I am one of the black American’s best friends. I mean, take for example the fact that for longer than I care to remember I have been in the company of my chauffeur William. He drives me everywhere. I’d take him inside with me of course, but a lot of what I do involves government stuff which I know he’d only be bored by, so I let him wait in the car. I think it’s the considerate thing to do. And – and – just this morning I gave my very dear friend Florence, who’s incidentally my housekeeper, a raise in her wages to $9.85 an hour. So I’m really tired of all this racist stuff – really. I should also point out that the other night at The Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts my dear wife Callista and I sat next to a black couple. Does that sound as if I’m a racist? And speaking of my dear wife I have to say that the neck bones they do here are almost as good as hers.” He looked around the restaurant… “Boy…Boy” he waved a waiter over, “could I get a slice of watermelon and some more sweet tea?” he then continued, “I’ve been to this place Mom’s Chicken ‘n Waffles – that’s m-o-m-s and a small n with an apostrophe in front of it – twice now, and they seem very friendly, and I’m amazed that there’s no loud music, and people are actually polite – you know, there’s no bitch this and motherfucker that, and they eat just the same way as regular people do, it’s really quite refreshing. But back to this racist accusation – for as long as I can remember I have been the colored people’s best friend in Washington, and I will remain their best friend.” He made a motion to ask for the check. “This is food for the soul” Mr. Gingrich said “food for the soul…you know, I think they should use that, I think I just hit on a great phrase…Soul food…huh? That’s great right? Soul food.” The waiter brought the check and when Mr. Gingrich put his credit card on it the waiter said “sorry sir, we only take cash.” “You only take cash? Are you kidding?” Gingrich looked amazed. “Imagine – cash only, what kind of a policy is that? It would have been nice if William would’ve mentioned that – the first time I was here, which was last night, William paid. Well…this is embarrassing. Do you have any cash” he asked me. “You see – that’s what I mean -that’s why these blacks can’t make a go of things; they’re just so far behind the curve.” I paid the check. “The NAACP should definitely invite me to tell them how to go about managing their portfolios in the current economic climate. There’s a lot of stock and bond maneuvering they need to get caught up on.” As we left Mom’s Gingrich paused at the open kitchen “Yo, Mom – mad props on the greens sista…you go girl wit’chya bad self – respect”. Mom smiled wanly and went back to her cooking. “She loves when I talk that black talk to her…I’m street dog, and it lets her know that I’m right there beside her in that kitchen feeling the blackness of her experience.” We got into his idling Mercedes “William, no one tried to take a hubcap or anything did they?” He asked.
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