For all us folks out here, there, and everywhere – who find it utterly, incredibly, and impossibly impossible to be silently alone with ourselves for even just one minute – and we all know how extremely difficult and taxing such a thing can be – the new AT&T I-Phone will now allow us to talk and surf the web at the same time. Just think – if it’s at all humanly possible, we can now be even more oblivious to what’s taking place where we actually are, and more tuned in to somewhere not where we are, than we were before. Now, we can be three places at the same time at all times, never where we actually are at any time, and barely paying attention to any one of them at all times, and – we can do all of this all at once!
This is a revolutionary development in the ever advancing technology that makes it possible to keep our minds (?) up our asses, while still maintaining enough room in that orifice to be collectively, and royally, fucked in it even more efficiently and ultimately more painfully, than we ever have been before. And – all of us drivers – take note; this will afford us even more of an opportunity than before to split our attention – such as it is. Where previously we could only talk and/or text on our cell phone whilst driving into trees and other objects, now we can get into way more interesting, and considerably gorier accidents for people to slow down and gawk at, and, as a result, the insurance industry will receive a much needed boost in income as our auto insurance rates will be jacked through the roof. And also, someone you don’t like might even now at long last drive their car over that lovely embankment you’ve fantasized them going over.
So this is, as we say, a win-win, a monumental leap forward in our glorious voyage into a virtual existence where no one will be, at any time, where they really are. Now -I’m aware that what I am about to posit may be quite a lot to ask of some of us, but might we perhaps just pause for a nanosecond in all that virtual pleasure we get from frantically fingering our cell phones, to merely give a passing thought to the ramifications of such a breakthrough in technology? Consider;
While querying Brad and/or Chelsea at customer service in Mumbai as to the whereabouts of that new Wireless 50-Game Mobile Video Gaming System, or the Jessica Simpson’s HAIRuWEAR extensions, that we ordered online a month ago, we can simultaneously be googling to see something of great importance such as exactly what Ke$ha wore last night to the premier of Jiggly (the re-make of Gigli starring Snookie of Jersey Shore). But, lest I digress – To be sure, we must certainly all rejoice in the knowledge that we are now on the cusp of being where it appears we have always actually longed with all our hearts and souls to be, which is anywhere but where we actually are.
O’ frabjous virtual day!
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