It grieves and saddens me no end that the fate of our beloved country, as well as that of all of the so-called “free world” (that’s funny), lies in the hands of some people who have been called the “undecideds.” It seems to me that these “undecideds” are people who profess that they just can’t decide whether to vote for a totally unqualified lying sack of shit who, as it happens, is a rich white man – or a thoughtful, intelligent, proven, calm person, who, to their chagrin, is either a female or (gasp) Jewish Socialist.
It also seems to me that these “undecideds” are people who, if they were hit over the head with a heavy mallet, couldn’t even decide whether they were hit over the head with a heavy mallet or not – unless, of course, they were hit over the head by either that female or that (gasp) Jewish Socialist.
mallet (Photo credit: pictonym)
Barking in the Dark has uncovered a sample multiple choice questionnaire sent by the Republican Party to these “undecideds.”
Q. Would you rather be hit over the head with a heavy mallet by a stupid narcissistic wealthy white man, a smart black man, a female, or a (gasp) Jewish Socialist?
a. It doesn’t matter.
b. I’m thinking it over.
c. What does narcissistic mean?
d. The wealthy white man.
Q. Who, in your opinion, would be more likely to score a direct hit onto your skull with a heavy mallet – a rich out-of touch asshole of a wealthy white man, or a smart black man, a female. or a (gasp) Jewish Socialist?
a. This is an interesting question – I’ll have to give it some thought also.
b. Can I choose what kind of heavy mallet?
c. Can I wear my trucker cap?
d. The wealthy white man.
Q. Would you consider being hit over the head with a heavy mallet more than one time?
a. If it didn’t hurt – I would.
b. How many times more?
c. What does consider mean?
d. If I was being hit over the head by a wealthy white man – why not?
Thank you for your participation in this exercise. People such as you are invaluable assets to The Republican Party.
So…there you have it friends. We can all rest comfortably in our beds at night secure in the knowledge that these “undecideds” will all make the right choice in the voting booth come this November. After all, when we see panels of these “undecideds” on our TV’s we can clearly see the yuge effort they are putting in to make this very tough choice. Their deeply furrowed brows crown the puzzled insipid looks on their faces. Faces that reveal the strain they are experiencing in deciphering this unfathomable enigma.
If only there were some clear-cut differences between the candidates why, then of course they could make this incredibly difficult choice…but, alas – to their utter puzzlement – there aren’t any.
Unless, of course, you count one candidate being a moronic narcissistic lying con man bully, one being a woman, and the other being a (gasp) Jewish Socialist.
© tony powers and Barking in the Dark, 2012, revised 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to tony powers and Barking in the Dark with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Barking In The Dark 
Wish I could come up with brilliant repartee for this, but I’m laughing too hard. Thank . .Whomever . . that the election went the way it did, altho I am disappointed that things seem no better. PS – Indiana doesn’t get much attention when it comes to elections, but I have to wonder – everyone I know who votes absentee failed to receive a ballot last year. Maybe eyes should move from Florida and Iowa to the Hoosier state?
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Posted by Jennifer Ellen Lucas | September 12, 2013, 8:49 amglad to give you a chuckle…and thanks again. continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | September 12, 2013, 10:46 amGreat piece, filled (as always) with your dry wit and yet to the point. Just a quick question: Does Acme still produce those large anvils? Not sure if a mallet will do the job
xxx
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Posted by Rachael Black | October 30, 2012, 11:01 amDoes it have to be a mallet? Can it be a heavy steel frying pan?
And can the white guy be an unparalleled idiot?
Because if so, I’d still have to go with NO.
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Posted by El Guapo | October 8, 2012, 7:58 amyes. it can be a heavy steel OR cast iron frying pan – as long as it’s a large one. thanks EG. continue…
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Posted by Anonymous | October 8, 2012, 1:40 pmI don’t get them. Are they uninformed, low info voters or do they simply wish to be begged?
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Posted by lisahgolden | October 4, 2012, 6:08 pmthey are morons Lisa h, thassall. thanx for the comment. continue…
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Posted by Anonymous | October 8, 2012, 1:41 pmFor the three questions, you should’ve added the letter e. All of the above.
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Posted by Don in Massachusetts | October 2, 2012, 12:25 pmso true. thanks don. continue…
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Posted by Anonymous | October 8, 2012, 1:42 pmThank all the beach Gods (big and little) I had the foresight to marry a Bahamian and if Mitt is elected and moving to the Bahamas.
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Posted by Valentine Logar | October 1, 2012, 11:15 pmu one smart cookie Val. let us all hope you’ll be sticking around. thanks for the comment. continue…
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Posted by Anonymous | October 8, 2012, 1:43 pmThey’ve been vexing me too, Tony. How can any thinking person not already know how they feel about the issues? It’s like they’re brain dead or something. Wait, maybe they’re zombies …
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Posted by Sparks In Shadow | October 1, 2012, 10:42 pmthey are a few steps below zombies Re… thanks for the comment. continue…
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Posted by Anonymous | October 8, 2012, 1:44 pmIf Mitt becomes Prez, I’m moving to Canada. Or Norway. Or Denmark. Or Switzerland.
What truly amazes me is that people will vote against their best interest.
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Posted by Michelle at Motley News | October 1, 2012, 8:37 pmas i wrote to Val…Michelle, i so hope you will be sticking around. thanks…and trust you are well. continue…
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Posted by Anonymous | October 8, 2012, 1:46 pmOh, I’m not going anywhere. But not sure what I’d do when it comes to politics. Either extreme, I’m sure. Disappear politically; or become even more active than ever focusing on getting Romney out.
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Posted by Michelle at Motley News | October 8, 2012, 2:09 pmI will say this much about the upcoming elections, if Mr Mitt becomes president, I am taking an early retirement, and will stay drunk in my new hometown (NOLA)..
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Posted by free penny press | October 1, 2012, 4:59 pmlove NOLA Lynne… no better town to be drunk in – anywhere in USA. do hope you will not be retiring tho’. thanks for the comment. continue…
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Posted by Anonymous | October 8, 2012, 1:49 pm