An entire family of seven went on a prolonged shooting spree yesterday in a department store. Angered by the fact that a salesperson in the sporting goods department sold their eight year old daughter a defective assault rifle, the Wilbur family of American Fork, Utah stormed into Bob’s Department Store at eleven a.m. Saturday – when the store was filled with customers – and proceeded to disperse two to a floor shooting and killing ninety-two people and wounding another twenty three. The seventh member of the family, father Aaron Wilbur Sr. 56, went to the basement bargain area and personally dispatched seventeen people with a Sig Sauer M400 semiautomatic rifle purchased at the store.
The other family members, Mother, Sarah Wilbur 52, three sons Aaron Jr. 37, Judah, 36, Hosea 35, and two daughters, Ruth 34, and Naomi 8, the aggrieved party, did the bulk of the killing and maiming using weapons ranging from Sig Sauer P226 pistols to the semi-automatic Browning BARs – some using both.
Said an unnamed family cousin; “what, a store has the right to rip off a little kid when she goes to buy her first rifle? Doesn’t she have any rights? Guns are an inalienable right granted to us by the second amendment of our Constitution. And that means guns that work proper.”
When a reporter questioned whether or not it was right for an eight year old to possess an assault rifle the cousin replied; “what, you’re discriminating against our dear Naomi because of her age – or her sex?”
The National Rifle Association came out in full support of the Wilbur family saying they would back a full scale investigation into the deceased clerk. An NRA spokesman said: “Ah poiss-un- ally ay-um outray-udged at this stow-urs lack of a background check when it came to the hah -ring of this hee-uh cloik who sold sweet little Naomi this defective prah-duct.”
Congressional Republicans were standing firmly behind the NRA’s stance in this matter.
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