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Cautionary tale, Fiction, offbeat, satire, writing

ENTIRE FAMILY GOES ON SHOOTING SPREE

An entire family of seven went on a prolonged shooting spree yesterday in a department store. Angered by the fact that a salesperson in the sporting goods department sold their eight year old daughter a defective assault rifle, the Wilbur family of American Fork, Utah stormed into Bob’s Department Store at eleven a.m. Saturday – when the store was filled with customers – and proceeded to disperse two to a floor shooting and killing ninety-two people and wounding another twenty three. The seventh member of the family, father Aaron Wilbur Sr. 56, went to the basement bargain area and personally dispatched seventeen people with a Sig Sauer M400 semiautomatic rifle purchased at the store.

English: .40 SIG Sauer P226, magazine and Winc...

English: .40 SIG Sauer P226, magazine and Winchester Ranger 165 grain centerfire cartridges (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

The other family members, Mother, Sarah Wilbur 52, three sons Aaron Jr. 37, Judah, 36, Hosea 35, and two daughters, Ruth 34, and Naomi 8, the aggrieved party, did the bulk of the killing and maiming using weapons ranging from Sig Sauer P226 pistols to the semi-automatic Browning BARs – some using both.

 

Said an unnamed family cousin; “what, a store has the right to rip off a little kid when she goes to buy her first rifle? Doesn’t she have any rights? Guns are an inalienable right granted to us by the second amendment of our Constitution. And that means guns that work proper.”

When a reporter questioned whether or not it was right for an eight year old to possess an assault rifle the cousin replied; “what, you’re discriminating against our dear Naomi because of her age – or her sex?”

The National Rifle Association came out in full support of the Wilbur family saying they would back a full scale investigation into the deceased clerk. An NRA spokesman said: “Ah poiss-un- ally ay-um outray-udged at this stow-urs lack of a background check when it came to the hah -ring of this hee-uh cloik who sold sweet little Naomi this defective prah-duct.”

Congressional Republicans were standing firmly behind the NRA’s stance in this matter.

© tony powers and Barking in the Dark, 2013. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to tony powers and Barking in the Dark with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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About barkinginthedark

Tony Powers is a writer/actor/musician. His full bio may be seen by clicking on the picture, and then clicking on either of the 2 boxes below it.

Discussion

24 thoughts on “ENTIRE FAMILY GOES ON SHOOTING SPREE

  1. I enjoy target shooting. Don’t own a gun for one reason; it’s not because of any political or 2nd Amendment issues though.

    Have always believed the NRA was a scary lobby. One year, as a joke, my dad signed me up for a year membership. We had very polarized ideas on politics heh. It was funny.
    There’s nothing funny about the tragedy of an inbred family killing innocent people.

    After Bowling with Columbine came out Wal-Mart was humiliated into cease selling guns. If they could, they would though.

    I have friends with virtual armories in their possession. Would venture to say that 2 out of 10 of their guns are registered. Hell, my pathologically lying ex-boyfriend, who was not allowed to own a gun (didn’t know he had a run in with the law, that forbid him from ever owning a gun, until a year after we were dating) purchased a handgun from one of our friends. No paperwork of course.

    Love your reply to the comment that big pharma and the gun lobbies run congress. This explains why so many people I know own unregistered guns.. and why there is no research or development for the spinal disease I’ve contracted. What kind of money is there in researching a disease (that kills 30% of the patients who contract it during the first 24 hours after their first acute attack) when it affects only one in a million people, if that.
    It’s all about the Benjamins.

    We’re reading the same book Tony, and we’re on the same page.

    Like

    Posted by Rachael C. Black | September 24, 2013, 9:12 am
    • Rachael,it’s too sad that we have an electorate that keeps sending the ignorant and mean-spirited to Congress; People who would rather see a bomb built than a school, rather see a family go without food just to thwart any progressive agenda put forth by our uppity black Kenyan President. i hope the day comes soon when we are all fed up with these moronic Rotary Club politicians whose world-view can be found in the dictionary under the word paranoid, and whose only wish is to be elected tho’ they have no ability, mental acuity, or desire, to govern in any positive way. i hope for this – but as long as we keep defunding education, healthcare, etc. and instead funnel our tax monies to big agri-business, big pharma, The Pentagon, etc. we will continue to be at the mercy of the cretins who swallow the hook and vote for these yahoos. thanks sweetheart for taking the time to comment and i so hope you are somewhat comfortable today – and tomorrow – and many more tomorrows to come. i send a big XO. continue…

      Like

      Posted by barkinginthedark | September 24, 2013, 1:29 pm
  2. These must be put into book form.
    “do it over something that is actually real”? OMG. The paranoia that I’m seeing is beyond belief. I have no choice but to stay in the USA and take whatever is dished out, but . . .automatic rifles? Assault weapons? When will people stop using Fox as their only news source. Man, I’m still back at 9/12/01 with Falwell or Robertson blaming “the attacks” on foreign (as opposed to home-grown) terrorists, then adding it was the gays, the pacifists, the . . ah hell. If I can’t stick to the 2nd Amendment, I should just shut up. Times have changed since that Amendment was written, boys and girls. Just ‘cos it’s there doesn’t mean you have to follow it zealously. Sorry my posts aren’t as witty as the rest . .

    Like

    Posted by jennielucas | September 19, 2013, 8:23 pm
    • The Second Amendment reads in full: “A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.” the definition of a “well regulated militia” is: a body of citizens enrolled for military service, and called out periodically for drill but serving full time only in emergencies.” so, right there one can see the gun nuts have perverted the language of this amendment to mean the right of ANYONE (ie a private citizen NOT in a well regulated militia) to keep and bear arms. typical of lack of intelligence and ability to parse a sentence of plain English, or, if they can perform this wondrous feat, just plain ignoring the words in their feverish desire to carry a gun. your comments need no wit to make common sense. thanks – and continue…

      Like

      Posted by barkinginthedark | September 19, 2013, 9:11 pm
  3. barkinginthedark wrote:

    “what are you afraid of?”

    In my discussions with many people that don’t own guns and don’t approve of them there are absolutely two things you will hear over and over again:

    1. What are you afraid of?

    2. Aren’t guns substitute penises?

    Those two comments are as dependable as the sun coming up tomorrow.

    The answer to your question though is very simple. I prefer to NOT be a victim. I also prefer that my wife not be a victim, and since arthritis has slowed us down enough that running is not a good option anymore, I choose to stand and fight if (and only if) a violent person gives me no other option. I have lived a while, and served my country, so violence is not entirely foreign to my experience in life. Having seen it I prefer all other options first.

    regards,

    lwk

    Like

    Posted by lwk2431 | September 19, 2013, 12:44 pm
    • i am certain you have a very large amygdala.

      Like

      Posted by barkinginthedark | September 19, 2013, 1:02 pm
      • “i am certain you have a very large amygdala.”

        Strong emotions are not a bad thing. The stronger the emotions the stronger the mind that is required to guide them.

        lwk

        Like

        Posted by lwk2431 | September 19, 2013, 1:20 pm
      • Adolph Hitler also had strong emotions…and a strong mind. as did Mengele, as did Herod the Great, as did Tamerlane, as did Caligula as did/does almost every other sociopath down through history. Here’s the thing ace; you are most likely a fear-based person, and as such, a negative force in the universe. fear-based people have caused almost every war and atrocity in history. guns are dangerous. you have a gun. you are dangerous. case closed. i will no longer allow your tortured thought-processes to appear on this page. your pleading to be understood by virtue of the rationalization that it’s fine to carry a gun because you have arthritis, and there could be someone waiting around the corner to jump you and/or your wife, all disguised as thoughtful rhetoric, has become tiresome. i suggest you keep your thoughts on the matter confined to your own blog.

        Like

        Posted by barkinginthedark | September 19, 2013, 5:10 pm
  4. *facepalm* I’m sure this isn’t a true story, but it still gives me the creeps. Or is it?

    Like

    Posted by renxkyoko | September 19, 2013, 6:02 am
  5. Oh, look it is the troll LWK2431 showing up again with rhetorical idiocy again.

    Barking, you could write for the Onion this is so good. I bow to your greatness. The NRA are shills for the profitable gun manufacturers, every bullet fired has $$$ etched on them. Every person killed is another $$$ in the bank of the NRA, a Congressperson and the weapons manufacturer. No human life, be they adult or child has value unless they own a gun or are buried with a bullet.

    Like

    Posted by Valentine Logar | September 19, 2013, 3:35 am
  6. I recently read that Starbucks are banning guns from their coffee shops. I immediately thought “What the f*&k ! You could/ would take your gun into Starbucks ! ” It was a bit of slap round the head for this Lilly-livered Englishman.

    Like

    Posted by Single Malt Monkey | September 18, 2013, 11:58 pm
    • but of course one would need a gun in Starbucks! whew…i live in a gun nut country. thanks for reading and commenting Al. continue…

      Like

      Posted by barkinginthedark | September 19, 2013, 10:51 am
    • ” You could/ would take your gun into Starbucks !”

      If/when you are in America do you have any idea how many legally concealed handguns are around you? There are millions of Americans like me who are now licensed to carry a concealed handgun. As a matter of record people with these licenses sometimes get arrested for firearms violations, but at a rate almost identical (actually slightly lower) to sworn police officers being arrested for a firearms violation.

      lwk

      Like

      Posted by lwk2431 | September 19, 2013, 11:32 am
  7. “Barking in the dark,” seems appropriate.

    lwk

    Like

    Posted by lwk2431 | September 18, 2013, 3:01 pm
  8. You and I both know the sad truth, is that the NRA doesn’t give a rat’s ass about guns, and neither does the idiot Republicans, who’d rather take the money and marching orders from the NRA…

    Like

    Posted by A Pondering Mind | September 18, 2013, 2:54 pm
    • i dunno…i think the paranoid NRA needs guns to defend themselves against all manner of imaginary foe. thanks for the comment Don. continue…

      Like

      Posted by barkinginthedark | September 18, 2013, 3:02 pm
      • arf arf arggggghhhh. thanks for reading and commenting. continue…

        Like

        Posted by barkinginthedark | September 18, 2013, 3:06 pm
      • “i think the paranoid NRA needs guns to defend themselves against all manner of imaginary foe.”

        One thing they are not paranoid about is the desire of some powerful politicians to take away just about all civilian firearms ownership. Diane Feinstein was pretty honest about it when she said:

        “If I could’ve gotten 51 votes in the Senate of the United States for an outright ban, picking up every one of them — Mr. and Mrs. America turn ’em all in — I would have done it. I could not do that. The votes weren’t here.”

        That was the Assault Weapons Ban in 1994, but she and some of her colleagues have often been quite frank in their desire to either eliminate, or severely restrict civilian ownership of firearms.

        The NRA is not paranoid about that. Look, I don’t care if you don’t like them, but if you are going to do that, do it over something that is actually real.

        lwk

        Like

        Posted by lwk2431 | September 18, 2013, 3:18 pm

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