In an exclusive interview last evening on MSNBC-TV’s Rachel Maddow Show President Barack Obama came out strongly in favor of breathing.
Said The President: “Breathing is one of the most important and productive things we can all do – it costs nothing and keeps us alive, I myself am breathing right now as I speak to you all, and I trust if you are watching this right now that you too are breathing. My wife, and First Lady, Michelle, my two lovely daughters Sasha and Malia, and our new puppy Sunny, all breathe on a regular basis, as should we all.”
No sooner did The President utter these words were they met with a fire-storm of criticism this morning from Congressional Republicans. Said House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA); I know I speak for all freedom loving people and Republicans everywhere when I say that statements such as this are just more of Democrat Big Government trying to jam policy down our throats, and I, for one, am dead against it. Ayn Rand would be turning over in her grave at this kind of Big Government interference with our private lives. Furthermore, for various reasons – far too mysterious for me to fathom – many of our fellow Americans in the 99% are so impoverished, so downtrodden, or just so plain unhappy that they may choose not to breathe. Correct me if I’m wrong but do we have the right to interfere in their lives? I wonder how Mr. Obama would respond to that?” He then excused himself in order to go and cast a vote to slash funding for the food stamp program.
Tea Party Representative Ted Yoho (R-FL) said; “I agree with my great and honorable Americans, and loyal colleagues, the honorable Representative Jack Kingston (R-GA), and the honorable Republican Senators Ted Cruz of Texas and Mike Lee of Utah, when they all say that it is incumbent upon us, as sure as it is God’s will, to shut down the government if it is going to command us to breathe. There are only Ten Commandments, and the last time I checked breathing is not one of them. And in our Christian household we check them religiously every morning upon rising – after saluting the flag – and every evening between saluting the flag and leading my good wife and children in bedtime prayers.” He too then excused himself in order to go and cast a vote to slash funding for the food stamp program.
Republican Senators John McCain (R-AZ) and Lindsey Graham (R- SC) also joined the growing chorus of Republican criticism of The President. Said Sen. McCain: “This incredible statement that we must all breathe is tantamount to Socialism bordering on Communism and veering towards Fascism. I did not spend over five years being tortured in a North Viet Nam prison hole to come back to this kind of outrageous anti-American rhetoric. Today I am ashamed to say I am an American. What we must do is bomb Iran!” Added Sen. Graham: “Ah ay-um so-uh-ly distoibed bah such woids comin’ out of the mow-uth of a may-un who pro-fesses tuh hay-uhve bee-un bow-uhn heah – no mattuh the ree-ums of proof to the contrarah. He is a Ken-yun-ee-un – case closed! This blatant ay-un-tah raht-tuh lahf comment is suckin’ awl thuh ay-ur out of the McCain/Graham proposal tuh launch ay-uh strahks o-vuh Ah-ray-un. We don’t need tuh be breathin’, whut we need tuh be doin’ is bombin’ Aye-ray-un n’ savin’ the lahves of them rebel Syrianians.”
Mr. Harley Joe Bobby Ray Ayniss Jr., spokesman for the Mississippi Tea Party said “next thing y’all know dey’ll be dee-may-undin’ me tuh breathe through mah nose.”
Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) interviewed on FOX-TV’s Sean Hannity show said; “Besides the fact that irrational statements such as this betray this President’s willingness to outright meddle in our private lives, he utters it on a TV network that leans so far to the left of Karl Marx and Chairman Mao, and, quite frankly, is straight out of Aloisius Huxley’s 1984. We must not let ourselves be talked into (here he made airquotes) breathing by Big Brother – even if it may temporarily make us feel good. Make no mistake; this feeling will not last. However outrageous this is, this whole thing is still quite low on my radar as I am currently in a pitched battle to change the postal abbreviation of my home state of Kentucky to anything but KY.”
And, on FOX-TV, Ann Coulter called The President “a big angry black who would shove his big black agenda down our throats until we gagged on his huge blackness.”
In the middle of uttering this sentence her eyes rolled back into her head and, as the last of those words came out of her mouth, she fainted dead away. An ambulance was summoned to dispatch her to the nearest hospital.
© tony powers and Barking in the Dark, 2013. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to tony powers and Barking in the Dark with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.