Donald Trump announced yesterday he would be building “by far the world’s largest, most fabulous, incredibly unbelievable, repository for garbage in the known world…certainly in New York City anyway. It’ll be yuge” The Donald said, jaw thrust out and looking like Benito Mussolini.
Trump, his persona a curious palette of orangey sour yellow and wall paste, and his perpetual sour expression, which runs the gamut from looking like he is having a very difficult bowel movement to sucking on something even more sour than his expression, announced that work on the project would begin “almost immediately…maybe even sooner.” When asked why he was doing this he said; “I love the people of New York, who, as you know, all look up to me – as well as look to me for leadership. And, of course everybody knows the respect I command for my virtually legendarily fabulous business acumen, which is the reason why I put my name on all the buildings I own – which, as the whole world knows, are all over the city.
It is a proven fact that people love the name Trump. I have proof of that. And having that kind of awesomely incredibly fabulous unbelievable brand recognition I thought; what more can I do, besides all that I’ve already done, for all the wonderful regular people, that would really help beautify our fair city? And, by the way, I always try to wave to these wonderful regular ordinary people as I ride by them in my limousine every day. And last week as I was passing them by it hit me: Trash. That was it! That’s when I came up with what I have to say is my incredibly awesome and unbelievably brilliant idea of helping us all by creating a place – a repository – where all our trash can be deposited in a fabulous high-class yuge way.
I’m going to call it The Donald’s Big Dump.
I must say that I think I’ve had this dump in me for quite a while now, and it’s time to get it out. In my mind’s eye I can see it now: an incredibly unbelievable fabulously yuge, tastefully gold trimmed, high-class blinking red and blue neon sign discreetly announcing it’s presence from across the Hudson to all my fellow New Yorkers big and small –THE TRUMP DUMP. And let me say that I get these genius ideas – like this huge dump – and I know I’m going to make it, but then I sit with it. I sit – and I think. And I feel them percolate, and then they run right through me. It’s a very religious experience.
So, I sat…and I thought…and I took this yuge dump and looked at it from many different angles until I saw that it would float. Now you may think that my dump is just another incredible pile, but I know better. I look upon it as a destination place for only the best, high-class, trash from all the five boroughs. In addition, I am certain future generations will look upon this fabulously big dump of mine as the first effort in a monumentally yuge movement: a movement towards making this city even more of a place where even more of the right kind of people will wanna come. Besides just to see me I mean.
Right this very minute I have what is no doubt the world’s most unbelievably incredibly unbelievable talented collection of incredibly fabulous engineers working on a fantastically amazing logarithm to completely validate my contention that my dump will have no odor. And – I have incontrovertible proof positive that this is also true.”
Since Mr. Trump mentioned “the Hudson”, reporters asked him where he’d been leaving his big dump, and he replied; 1. “Newark New Jersey. I originally planned on locating it somewhere in Manhattan where I thought it would fit right in, like 2. the Upper West Side, or 3. the East Village. However, my good friend Mayor de Blasio came to me and begged me to reconsider those locations – which I graciously did. And then my very good friend, The Honorable 4.Chris Christie told me over dinner at Le Cafe De Grand Vent – I had the Chilean Sea Bass, and he had a lobster and two Nearly Endangered Caribou Porterhouses – that he is 100% behind me on this dump.”
He was then asked if he had stopped to consider that perhaps putting a monstrously huge New York City trash heap in another neighboring state might be looked upon as somewhat inconsiderate, Trump replied; “I know for a fact that anyone would be proud to have any Trump project in their neighborhood. People will welcome my dump because I made it. I took a yuge dump and gave it my fabulous individual stamp of greatness – The Trump imprimatur – which is, of course, awesome, incredible, fabulous, and unbelievable.
Now, the people who know me, really know me, know that I’m not one to toot my own horn, but the other people, the regular, ordinary people, the little people, they all love me…I’ve no doubt whatsoever that the Newark neighborhood I’ve chosen will welcome my dump with open arms. I also have incontrovertible proof of this as well.
Remember, I built 6 The Trump Taj Mahal, which has an unbelievable 1250 deluxe rooms, and is, if I may say so, far superior to that shack in India which has, what – 560 rooms? And – I built my Taj in Atlantic City, New Jersey…and everyone who is anyone comes to The Trump Taj Mahal. I myself do not know anyone who’s ever gone to that other Taj Mahal. Another thing, people love me because they know in their heart of hearts that I’m really one of them. And – here is my birth certificate to incontrovertibly prove that.”
Trump telephoned for a blow job – and while he waited for it, went back to supervising the twelve servants who were polishing the gold fixtures in his 30,000 square foot, three story, 50 million dollar Manhattan penthouse.
1 Where poor people live.
2 New York City’s bastion of Progressives and Liberals. A rare sighting of Donald Trump’s limousine occurred there in late April of 1995.
3 A neighborhood where filthy pot smoking Bohemian free-love artist types co-habit without being married. There are also gays there.
4 A guy all the Republicans were getting hard and wet over until The Donald showed up.
5 The original Donald Trump Big Dump.
Authors note: You may have a Donald Trump – type blowhard in your town – please feel free to substitute his name wherever.
© tony powers and Barking in the Dark, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to tony powers and Barking in the Dark with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.