Rabbi Chaim Schneerbaum of Philadelphia’s Orthodox synagogue Temple Ben-Affleck interviewed today said: “Oy…I’m plotzing that every time I see a story about Mr. Cosby on the television they always say he went to temple.
Now, Mr. Cosby is quite a famous – or, should I say, rather infamous man – and, having seen him many times on the television, I am certain I would have recognized him if he ever was in temple at any of our many services. Neither I, nor any of my fellow Rabbis, or any member of our many congregations, have ever seen Mr. Bill Cosby in temple! To say this is so is bupkes! Feh!”
When pressed further by reporters Rabbi Schneerbaum added; “Also, a man who goes to temple doesn’t do such dirty things – not even allegedly.
My fellow Rabbis have told me that they too have never seen him in temple. And, mark you, being a wealthy man he could certainly have easily afforded the purchase of tickets to any of our high-holy day services such as Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur, or any other holiday services such as Sukkot, or Tzom Gedalia, or Simchat Torah. But, as I say, I know of no instance on which any of my fellow Rabbis, or myself, has ever seen Mr. Cosby in temple. Incidentally, tickets for the upcoming Rosh Chodesh Sh’vat services are modestly priced starting at $100 for side row rear standing.”
Reporters then asked the Rabbi why he thought that Mr. Cosby is always identified as going to temple. “This question is one that is difficult, if not impossible, to answer and, even after consulting some of our greatest Talmudic scholars – including my uncle Izzy – no one has been able to come up with a passage in The Torah that can explain why this is so. Clearly though we are sure he has never gone to temple. And this is a man who has been alleged to have done such terrible dirty rotten things only a meshugener would do that, if he had ever gone to temple, it’s possible he would not now stand so accused.”
He paused to sip some Cel-ray tonic and then said; “But here I have to add that many of the women who have accused Mr. Cosby are women who have gone to institutions of higher learning and the Talmud says that women are discouraged from pursuing higher education – or religious pursuits – because women who engage in such pursuits might neglect their primary duties as wives and mothers.”
When he was asked what this Talmudic law had to do with the accusations against Mr. Cosby Rabbi Schneerbaum replied; “I think that maybe none of this tsuris would be if the women had stayed in the kitchen making kreplach, or if Mr. Cosby, and the women in question, had all gone to Temple Ben-Affleck.”
When asked if he thought that this passage of the Talmud might be perceived as sexist he said; “Is making a hole in the sheet sexist? Is separating men and women in shul sexist? Is making our women cover their hair with a wig sexist? Next thing you’ll be telling me that because our women can’t wear pants that that’s sexist too? Oy!”
When reporters explained that when news people said Mr. Cosby went to temple they were saying he went to Temple University Rabbi Schneerbaum hocked up some phlegm, took another sip of Cel-ray, gave it some thought…and finally said with great authority; “Temple Ben-Affleck – that’s a temple, by me a university is not a temple.”
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