Dateline USA 2016
We interrupt this blog to report that no students, repeat – no students – were shot in The United States of America today. This is a first since April, 2014.
National Rifle Association representative R. C. “Chesty” Pullit said; “This is a very serious non-occurrence especially in light of the fact that today, January 1st 2016, Texas, the second-most populous state, joins 44 other states in allowing at least some firearm owners to carry handguns openly in public places. And I personally do not think this law goes far enough.
In any case, we have no explanation for this non-event as we have made every effort, and believed we had succeeded, in arming every American citizen – including children and the most underprivileged and deranged among us. Well…especially the most underprivileged and deranged among us.”
When pressed further on every Fox TV news show as to how this could have not happened Mr. Pullet repeated some version of; “Perhaps there just aren’t enough guns on the street. We thought we had done quite a thorough job in this endeavor but…” His voice then always tailed off and for a second he appeared to be genuinely puzzled.
News divisions in every major and cable TV network were left with hours of empty time to fill. A representative for the Bain Capital owned Clear Channel, which features such major “journalists” as Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity said, “This is very upsetting news. Our listeners expect to hear about mass shootings every day. And they like to know that when they will be attacked by a neighbor, a pizza delivery boy, anyone who’s not like us – and this is not paranoia – they surely will be attacked- they wanna know that their guns will be effective and reliable.
Moreover, through our on-air personalities, we at Clear Channel have been in the forefront when it comes to promoting second amendment rights for every citizen – especially among the disadvantaged regardless of race or ethnicity…as well as children of all ages.
Saudi prince Alwaleed bin Talal who owns 5.5% of Fox, the largest share of News Corp. stock outside the Murdoch family, was reportedly saddened by the news that no American students were shot and killed by other American students today, and when asked to comment by reporters of Al Jazeera America he only said: “I am puzzled – and disappointed. It is a sad day for Fox-TV indeed.”
The NRA is calling for Congressional hearings to determine how such a thing as no mass shooting could have not happened. A House Tea Party Republican who preferred his name not be released said, “We will git to the bottom of this oversight or my name isn’t – well…we will git to da bottom uh dis, mawk mah woids. Da secon’ amendment is sacrosanctual.”
When the reporters from Al Jazeera America asked him to quote the exact passage of the second amendment to which he was referring he replied, “It says we can have ou-uh guns pure an’ simple.” When reporters said that the amendment only applied to state militias and not individuals, the Tea Party member responded; “An’ militias need dey-uh assault rahfles too – an’ don’ you forgit it!”
Scant days after the shooting deaths of nine people in a Charleston, South Carolina, church, Republican Presidential candidate Ted Cruz famously said “ I’m pretty sure you all define gun control the same way we do in Texas — hitting what you aim at.”
Rush Limbaugh speculated, “Perhaps we have been resting on our laurels lo these many years and haven’t widened the gulf between the wealthy and the middle class as much as we thought we had. I’m asking myself: where has the anger gone? Don’t the peasants care to slaughter each other in their misguided anger at the wrong people? It’s a mystery that we elites must get to the bottom of if we are to remain a beacon of democracy while remaining impervious to its laws.”
He took another Oxycontin and added:
“I’ll be consulting my good friends Robert Lee Vander Plaats and Charles and David Koch in this most disturbing matter. Oh…and happy new year.”
© tony powers and Barking in the Dark, 2016. Unauthorized
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