New York Feb. 15 – The residents of Hells’ most exclusive gated community, Pond ’O Puke were up in arms today at the thought that Antonin Scalia would be shortly moving in.
Ethel Satan, wife of the Lord of Hell, was seen frantically running around trying to calm the angry denizens of Pond ‘O Puke who are up to here with disgust – literally – at the thought that Scalia might shortly be wading among them. Scalia, with no hope of redemption or purification, bypassed Purgatory and was moved swiftly up to the head of the long, long, line waiting at the down elevators to descend to their new digs.
Satan himself or, as residents affectionately call him, Big Red, while out of town playing a protracted contract bridge tournament which has among its entrants Josef Mengele, Jack the Ripper, Mao Zedong, Adolf Hitler, Jeffrey Dahmer and Josef Stalin, was quoted as saying; “I am saddened that I shall have to eventually come in contact with this Scalia person…but – that’s death.”
The Grim Reaper, who had the unenviable task of taking Mr. Scalia, had to deal with Scalia’s raging unwillingness to go gently into that good night by offering Mr. Reaper his first born. Said Mr. Reaper; “To say this was not a graceful exit is a gross – and I use this word advisedly – gross understatement. He first tried hiding under his robe. And then he tried hitting me with his gavel. When I finally got him, he cursed and kept screaming; “Oh God, why hast thou forsaken me?” at the top of his lungs all the damn way here. I felt like using the scythe on him. I haven’t felt like that since Caligula.
The residents of Pond ‘O Puke – who spend eternity up to their necks in same – marched, albeit very, very slowly, protesting Mr. Scalia’s entry into their placid community, some blocking the moving van carrying his mortal soul, while carrying signs reading such things as: “Scalia – Go to Heaven!” And, “Scalia – sounds like a disease.” And, “Scalia, Antonym — of Good!”
Ethel Satan interviewed later said: “Unfortunately, we must abide by the rules of Hell and admit Mr. Scalia who has certainly earned the right to dwell among us for all eternity. That he will be residing in Pond ‘O Puke is certainly still up for question. And, in saying that, I do not wish to hold out too much hope to the current and eternal residents of this fair community that this decision will be overturned. I will leave that verdict to the Supreme Court of the United Hades of Acheron and Chief Justice Nicholas Satan, my beloved. One decision that is in my purview though: we will not be having Mr. Scalia over for dinner.”
Happily, Scalia was unavailable for comment.
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