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Cautionary tale, Humor, satire, writing

PUTTING CHRIST BACK IN CHRISTMAS THE “FAMILY VALUES” WAY

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The Family Research Council, Focus on the Family, and The Christian Coalition have just issued a report condemning certain Christmas carols as “un-Christ-like, un-Christian, unfriendly to family values, aiding in the advancement and glorification of certain un-American lifestyles, and just plain no good.”

Pointing out that the carol “Deck The Halls,” is the most egregious offender, the groups cite the lyric “Don we now our gay apparel” as being “particularly offensive and at the forefront in the battle for the impressionable minds of America’s youth.” A spokesman for Focus on the Family said “We need these young minds in our battle against Satan himself.” Many of the group’s elder statesmen also note that “this lyric also promotes cross-dressing, transvestism, and unspeakable acts of a homo-erotic nature such as bondage and discipline, ball-in-mouth fetishism, sado-masochistic pleasures, golden showers, coprophagia, the way dogs do it, and frottage. And all, mind you, with members of the same sex.” He further noted, “in the case of frottage this is particularly unspeakable when done on public transportation.”

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Also coming under intense fire from these “values voter” groups was the old standby “Silent Night.” Said a member of Focus on the Family “how anyone could sing a lyric like “…Round yon virgin mother and child…” and not think impure thoughts is beyond my comprehension. There is, in this one lyric alone, the seed of sex pure and simple and it is certainly within the realm of my imagination, and the imaginations of all of our members, that singing this lyric of temptation can, and will, put thoughts of incest into any young malleable mind. And the word “virgin” is a word fraught with “implications.”

As for “Oh Come, All Ye Faithful,” all the members were unanimous in their concern that this carol does, in fact, encourage masturbation in young and old alike and, as such, must be avoided at all costs. Said one mother in The Family Research Council “I panicked the other day when I heard my 16 year old son singing this carol in the shower. I had to run in there, grab him, whisk him out of the tub, look very closely to make sure his…member wasn’t…you know… That was a close call. But I’ll do it every night if I have to.”

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Other carol lyrics to also come under scrutiny by the ever vigilant group were “The First Noel,” and in particular the line “…in fields where they lay tending their sheep…” which all agree definitely promotes bestiality in young minds. Heavy fire was also directed at the line in “Angels We Have Heard on High” which, besides the very suggestive word “high” contains the phrase, “…See him in a manger laid…” All agreed that this too most assuredly puts impure thoughts of smoking LED and of sheep fucking and the like into young minds, and both songs would be especially provoke buggery when sung on farms.

We just received this note: “As of this writing we, the values voter community, have changed the aforementioned lyrics in our carol books to; “Don we now our grey apparel,” “Round yon Vermont mother and child.” The title of “Oh Come, All Ye Faithful” is now most aptly listed as “Oh comb-over Faithful” Also, “See him in a manger laid” is now “See him as a manager paid.” And, an even later change has been made in the carol “Oh Holy Night” – in it, the line “oh, fall on your knees” has been changed, for “obvious reasons” said a member of Focus on the Family, to “don’t fall on your skis.”

And, for obvious reasons we find the filthy phrase “Ho Ho Ho” to be far too seductive to young male minds and so we’ve changed it to Hee Hee Hee.

Happy holidays all. We sincerely hope this helps.

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Please sign the petition below re Supreme Court Nominee Merrick Garland.

http://www.dailykos.com/stories/2016/12/6/1606610/-With-Biden-in-the-chair-on-Jan-3-the-Senate-can-confirm-a-renominated-Merrick-Garland-Here-s-how?detail=action

 

© tony powers and Barking in the Dark, 2015, revised 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to tony powers and Barking in the Dark with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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About barkinginthedark

Tony Powers is a writer/actor/musician. His full bio may be seen by clicking on the picture, and then clicking on either of the 2 boxes below it.

Discussion

10 thoughts on “PUTTING CHRIST BACK IN CHRISTMAS THE “FAMILY VALUES” WAY

  1. … and as for Holly and Ivy, when they get together it’s triple “X” …. have a great 2017, Tony, keep the blood pressure down…. 🙂

    Like

    Posted by Single Malt Monkey | December 27, 2016, 4:00 am
  2. Good stuff. Have a great holiday.

    Like

    Posted by inspiredbythedivine1 | December 25, 2016, 12:39 pm
  3. Oy! I NEVER made any of those associations, young or old. Maybe English (or what passes for it in some parts of this country) has to be one’s first language in order to recognize the code?

    I noticed that DT may be getting a faint glimmer of a clue that he’s not above the law in this article http://www.nytimes.com/2016/12/24/us/politics/trump-family-conflicts.html?_r=0

    Merry Christmas, Tony! 😉 xoM

    Like

    Posted by Margarita | December 24, 2016, 6:02 pm

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