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offbeat

This category contains 62 posts

Breaking News # 3. God charged in alleged NFL fixing scandal

On the virtual eve of a brand new season, God was charged today with allegedly fixing the outcomes of the last forty years worth of games played in the National Football League. According to her attorney, God “at no time had anything to do with any of the players who, when games were over, would … Continue reading

No Problem (Or: Mister is that Your House that’s on Fire

Whenever I hear the words “no problem” I instinctively look up as I quickly sidestep, fully expecting to see a safe plummeting straight at my head from thirty stories above me. Either I quickly look up, or I quickly sprint away from where I’m standing because the ground is going to open up and swallow … Continue reading

So This Corporation Walks Into a Bar

From a Mitt Romney speech: “Corporations are people”. The following is a true story: The other day I had to use the rest room in a restaurant where I was dining. I chose to skip the one marked Men, and the one marked Women, and instead opted for the one marked Corporations, which I must … Continue reading

Breaking News # 2. Darth Vader Saddened by Comparisons to Dick Cheney

A spokesperson for Darth Vader said today, “Mr. Vader is deeply saddened by any, and all, comparisons between him and Dick Cheney.” She went on to say, “Mr. Vader killed approximately 215 people, give or take another 20 or so, including some Jedis, and, yes – he killed Obi-wan Kenobi, Padme’, The Emperor, some Battle … Continue reading

# 6 In The Satirical Series Emails From The Tea Party (Angry Email Response To One of My Blogs)

I read your blog thing about Lookking For a Job. If I ever saw you you punk you would get a shotgun blast to the balls. That’s why we need people like Rick Perry and Michelle Bachman to get rid of socialist commie pinko smart guy cappochina drinkers like you who probably went to some … Continue reading

WHAT!!? ORGY? ORGY?? (# 5 in the Satirical Series; Emails from the Tea Party

I just heard on the TV while I was in the other room that Sprint is America’s favorite ORGY network? What? What??? This is crazy! This is something my grandchildren are seeing! This wanton permisivness has GOT TO STOP! What with the gays getting married and whatever else those people do, I mean, who knows … Continue reading