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Whitney Ransom Goldfart IV, the wealthy scion of the uber wealthy Goldfart family was “arrested” today and “charged” with massive securities fraud and insider trading on a colossal scale.
Mr. Goldfart, 43, who, like the many generations of his family before him, literally farts 24 carat solid gold ingots, especially, as he has said on many occasions, after “eating a nice stewed pheasant au vin with prunes,” was arrested at what he calls “my more modest home” – a 74 room mansion in Chevy Chase, Maryland – having just returned from an around-the-world tour which included purchasing The Taj Mahal, and two minor religions. “I thought the Taj would look nice on the lawn of our autumn palace in Monaco. And the two religions I can re-sell for a tidy profit.”
When reporters asked Mr. Goldfart why a man of such vast untold billions of dollars, who had the ability to fart gold ingots, would ever get involved in such a scheme, Goldfart replied “money is money, and you can never have enough, and in my case, though you may think 175 billion plus dollars is a lot of money, I can perfectly empathize with – and understand – my employee Mitt Romney who said that $374,000 is “not very much”…well, neither is 175 billion dollars…not to people like us anyway…of course, I do not mean you.”
He paused to fart out another gold ingot which one of his slaves Mjamba quickly snatched up and hurried away with, no doubt to take to one of the waiting Goldfart family jumbo jets, perhaps The Gilded Wind, which would fly it to a secure location for deposit in Mr. Goldfart’s underground tunneled vault system guarded by his private army of slaves overseen by ex- Blackwater men. He was asked if he thought he would be going to prison for a very long time. “Prison?” he sniffed, “I own whatever prison they can possibly send me to. It’s a huge family money maker, we need to keep a wary eye on the criminal element in our great society – all these hippie pot offenders who would kill you for a marijuana cigarette, and the criminal lowlife’s who, just because they have no food, would actually steal the food from off your table if they could, and besides – let’s be real here – I own all the judges as well, so I’m not going anywhere believe you me” Goldfart, who famously once had a family of 5 arrested for “breathing my air” than asked; “Do I look like some greaseball Puerto Rican, or some other lower or middle class wage earner nobody like you?
And your cameras can shoot this, or you can write it up, all of it as far as I’m concerned, no one’s going to learn about it, because guess who owns the media – and the internets?” As he was hustled off, Goldfart was overheard saying, “make it look good boys – there’s an extra 100 grand in it for each of you.
© tony powers and Barking in the Dark, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to tony powers and Barking in the Dark with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Barking In The Dark 
By the way… your comment on my post about ‘Republicans sending homeless people to an island’, I developed an idea for a tv show and wrote a script about the homeless situation in New York called “The Island”. I was living in Astoria decided to do something to challenge me, thought I would look into homelessness researched it by going through the process of looking for help and eventually getting placed in a homeless shelter… what I saw blew my mind. It became clear to me why homeless people would live on the street.
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Posted by On My Square | January 20, 2012, 4:05 pmRob, sad, true. and i fully expect them to implement the “island” plan if elected. re-pitch it. thanks man. continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | January 22, 2012, 1:26 amWe easily forget – someone makes money off of everything (even prison). Wake me up when they’ve ( the battleing republicans) all gone away…
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Posted by MJ, Nonstepmom | January 19, 2012, 7:28 pmJanet, yeah, prisons are BIG business. really sad. thanks for the comment. continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | January 22, 2012, 1:27 amCall me a worrywart, but I find this worrisome. I wish I was kidding. Continue . . .
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Posted by worrywarts-guide-to-weight-sex-and-marriage | January 19, 2012, 3:43 ami too find this worrisome WW…and i am not kidding at all. thanks for the comment. continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | January 19, 2012, 4:59 amHey! I want to fart gold ingots! No fair!
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Posted by Frugalistablog | January 19, 2012, 3:31 amhmmm…but you really have to be a HUGE asshole in order to achieve this state F,…i do not think you qualify. 🙂 continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | January 19, 2012, 5:01 amWell that explains why so many in congress are outrageously rich since there are so many huge assholes there. But it is rather perplexing why Newt is not more wealthy since he is as big an asshole as Romney…No wait a minute I understand from his girth I gather he man be constipated and may be in need of an enema, but then it may cause shit for brains head to explode.
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Posted by V. Lyn | January 19, 2012, 3:31 pmSounds like a new story line for Austin Powers…. LOVE IT! Gimme more, she said. Gimme more!!!
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Posted by She speaks.... | January 19, 2012, 3:31 amactually the title of the next James Bond flick IS Goldfarter…and the song goes
“Goldfarter…
the man with the mine, as such
a sign: don’t flush…”
🙂 thanks Michelle, more coming. continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | January 19, 2012, 5:15 amEwwww…. 😉
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Posted by She speaks.... | January 19, 2012, 5:16 amWell, when Goldfart puts it like that, maybe I should give Romney another chance….
NAAAHH!
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Posted by El Guapo | January 19, 2012, 2:49 am🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 very funny. thanks EG. continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | January 19, 2012, 2:51 am