Whitney Ransom Goldfart IV, the wealthy scion of the uber wealthy Goldfart family was “arrested” today and “charged” with massive securities fraud and insider trading on a colossal scale.
Mr. Goldfart, 43, who, like the many generations of his family before him, literally farts 24 carat solid gold ingots, especially, as he has said on many occasions, after “eating a nice stewed pheasant au vin with prunes,” was arrested at what he calls “my more modest home” – a 74 room mansion in Chevy Chase, Maryland – having just returned from an around-the-world tour which included purchasing The Taj Mahal, and two minor religions. “I thought the Taj would look nice on the lawn of our autumn palace in Monaco. And the two religions I can re-sell for a tidy profit.”
When reporters asked Mr. Goldfart why a man of such vast untold billions of dollars, who had the ability to fart gold ingots, would ever get involved in such a scheme, Goldfart replied “money is money, and you can never have enough, and in my case, though you may think 175 billion plus dollars is a lot of money, I can perfectly empathize with – and understand – my employee Mitt Romney who said that $374,000 is “not very much”…well, neither is 175 billion dollars…not to people like us anyway…of course, I do not mean you.”
He paused to fart out another gold ingot which one of his slaves Mjamba quickly snatched up and hurried away with, no doubt to take to one of the waiting Goldfart family jumbo jets, perhaps The Gilded Wind, which would fly it to a secure location for deposit in Mr. Goldfart’s underground tunneled vault system guarded by his private army of slaves overseen by ex- Blackwater men. He was asked if he thought he would be going to prison for a very long time. “Prison?” he sniffed, “I own whatever prison they can possibly send me to. It’s a huge family money maker, we need to keep a wary eye on the criminal element in our great society – all these hippie pot offenders who would kill you for a marijuana cigarette, and the criminal lowlife’s who, just because they have no food, would actually steal the food from off your table if they could, and besides – let’s be real here – I own all the judges as well, so I’m not going anywhere believe you me” Goldfart, who famously once had a family of 5 arrested for “breathing my air” than asked; “Do I look like some greaseball Puerto Rican, or some other lower or middle class wage earner nobody like you?
And your cameras can shoot this, or you can write it up, all of it as far as I’m concerned, no one’s going to learn about it, because guess who owns the media – and the internets?” As he was hustled off, Goldfart was overheard saying, “make it look good boys – there’s an extra 100 grand in it for each of you.
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