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Republicans to “Create” Perfect Candidate, and – They’ve Got a Name for “It”

The GOP reached out to their partners today in an effort to find the perfect candidate to run against President Obama in this fall’s election. Pooling their PAC money to fund a joint effort between their partners Saudi Arabia, and Germany, the GOP have tasked the two leading eugenics laboratories in these countries to create the perfect GOP candidate.

Dungeon Frankenstein Monster

Image via Wikipedia


German laboratory I.G.G. Pfarrbmann, the same lab that keeps Dick Cheney alive, and the Saudi Arabian laboratory, More Than a Wahhabi, who has advanced fundamentalist inbred eugenics to new, heretofore unheard of insanity, will take the characteristics of the four remaining Republican candidates that appeal most to their base to create a super-candidate – they will call this creation Mittrick Newtron.



Mittrick Newtron will be a  religious right-wing fundamentalist bullshit artist who will gut federal spending on such wasteful programs as Planned Parenthood, Head Start, the EPA, and Healthcare, invade Iran, gut corporate oversight, and all the while completely mismanage the economic affairs of our country while eliminating all offshore tax regulatory laws.  He will privatize everything, as he shifts what little the middle class still has over to the top 1%. He will be white, ultra religious, ultra patriotic, always wear a blue suit, a red tie, and a flag pin, even when sleeping, and have a zealous fervor rivaling that of any southern Baptist preacher. In short, he will be the perfect Republican ideal.



Mittrick Newtron will be programmed by some of the finest minds in the GOP – as soon as they can be found. To this effort a quiz has been sent to all members of the GOP, and Barking in the Dark has obtained a sampling of some of the questions. Here they are:

Q 1. Spell “invasion

a. invassion

b. innvasion

c. invaision

d. it depends

e. all of the above


Q 2.  What doesn’t belong?

  1. Hispanics
  2. Indians
  3. Jews
  4. Blacks
  5. women
  6. poor
  7. all of the above



Q 3. Which gun is more fun?

  1. a .357 Magnum
  2. a Walther PPK
  3. a Glock 17
  4. a  Smith and Wesson 64-4
  5. a Ruger SR9
  6. ALL of the above



The GOP is confident that this test will serve to bring the cream of the crop of Republican minds to the task of programming MN -1.


The planned roll-out of Mittrick Newtron will be in early June, and to this end both labs are working furiously around the clock. GOP officials who have visited the plant on a regular basis say that Mittrick Newtron is the first stage of what they are certain will be the blueprint for all future GOP candidates.



© tony powers and Barking in the Dark, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to tony powers and Barking in the Dark with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

About barkinginthedark

Tony Powers is a writer/actor/musician. His full bio may be seen by clicking on the picture, and then clicking on either of the 2 boxes below it.


32 thoughts on “Republicans to “Create” Perfect Candidate, and – They’ve Got a Name for “It”

  1. Mittrick Newtron will need an Igor. Maybe Dick Cheney? And will they use or ban the teleprompter? go on…


    Posted by Don in Massachusetts | March 18, 2012, 11:24 pm
  2. I love politics now,
    thanks to you



    Posted by WordsFallFromMyEyes | March 17, 2012, 10:01 am
  3. ………will Mittrick shave………….?


    Posted by Single Malt Monkey | March 17, 2012, 7:40 am
  4. “He will be white, ultra religious, ultra patriotic, always wear a blue suit, a red tie, and a flag pin, even when sleeping, and have a zealous fervor rivaling that of any southern Baptist preacher. In short, he will be the perfect Republican ideal.”

    He will also be a eunuch.


    Posted by Averil Dean | March 17, 2012, 2:01 am
  5. Hi Tony, can you delete my above comment containing the email address? Thanks my dear -smile-


    Posted by Rachael Black | March 16, 2012, 6:24 pm
  6. As a follow up, It’s been revealed that the MN-1 will have ports for future upgrades, such as the Huckabajig, and the Palinator,
    Additionally, they are developing a removable face feature for use in special situations when it isn’t enough to just “sound” like Reagan.

    great piece, Tony. Are they afraid or hoping that they have a “The Fly” type incident during development?


    Posted by El Guapo | March 16, 2012, 3:23 pm
  7. “Mittrick Newtron” Oh… my… horus!!!! That is great! This post is (as always) phenomenal! I may just have to do a little photoshop and create your “Mittrick Newtron” monster…..


    Posted by She speaks.... | March 16, 2012, 2:53 pm
  8. Now this is what I’m talking about! I know you’ll understand. Kudos for hi-jacking the system. You’re the MAN!


    Posted by Miss Demure Restraint | March 16, 2012, 4:17 am
  9. This is bloody hilarious.. Damn, scares me to think of how they REALLY would answer those questions..

    well done..


    Posted by free penny press | March 16, 2012, 1:30 am
  10. Oh I laughed so loudly at this one. Before the image scrolled the first thing that popped into my mind was Frankenstein. Great minds.
    Oh ‘Mittrick Newtron’ is a GRAND name. It will even appeal -more than your fair and balanced questionnaire- to the the huddled masses; yearning to be fascist.

    Wonderful, witty and on point writing Tony.

    Oh, I saw Lennin-under-glass (do not order this off the menu while in Mother Russia. ask for it by name) while in Moscow back in the 70’s. He looked like hell. Kind of like Dick Cheney now. Pretty sure the same German labs had worked on him as well. After all, the Russians got half the Nazi scientists and we took the other half. Heh. At least we gave them new names, copious amounts of US cash and university and Pentagon jobs.
    The joke is on you Comrades!

    Heil MN -1!
    -cue Deutschland Uber Alles. Sorry, meant GOD bless Amuricuh!-

    Wonderful writing Tony. Damn I enjoy the hell out of your words.


    Posted by Rachael Black | March 16, 2012, 12:08 am
  11. would that they could eh? “it” could be pres if we’re not careful. continue


    Posted by barkinginthedark | March 15, 2012, 11:55 pm
  12. Ouch! I knew they were up to something. “It” looks kinda familiar… I think they’ve trotted him out a few times to lurk in the background and get us used to his mug. Those subversives will stop at nothing.


    Posted by Sparks In Shadow | March 15, 2012, 11:52 pm


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