The GOP reached out to their partners today in an effort to find the perfect candidate to run against President Obama in this fall’s election. Pooling their PAC money to fund a joint effort between their partners Saudi Arabia, and Germany, the GOP have tasked the two leading eugenics laboratories in these countries to create the perfect GOP candidate.
German laboratory I.G.G. Pfarrbmann, the same lab that keeps Dick Cheney alive, and the Saudi Arabian laboratory, More Than a Wahhabi, who has advanced fundamentalist inbred eugenics to new, heretofore unheard of insanity, will take the characteristics of the four remaining Republican candidates that appeal most to their base to create a super-candidate – they will call this creation Mittrick Newtron.
Mittrick Newtron will be a religious right-wing fundamentalist bullshit artist who will gut federal spending on such wasteful programs as Planned Parenthood, Head Start, the EPA, and Healthcare, invade Iran, gut corporate oversight, and all the while completely mismanage the economic affairs of our country while eliminating all offshore tax regulatory laws. He will privatize everything, as he shifts what little the middle class still has over to the top 1%. He will be white, ultra religious, ultra patriotic, always wear a blue suit, a red tie, and a flag pin, even when sleeping, and have a zealous fervor rivaling that of any southern Baptist preacher. In short, he will be the perfect Republican ideal.
Mittrick Newtron will be programmed by some of the finest minds in the GOP – as soon as they can be found. To this effort a quiz has been sent to all members of the GOP, and Barking in the Dark has obtained a sampling of some of the questions. Here they are:
Q 1. Spell “invasion
d. it depends
e. all of the above
Q 2. What doesn’t belong?
- all of the above
Q 3. Which gun is more fun?
- a .357 Magnum
- a Walther PPK
- a Glock 17
- a Smith and Wesson 64-4
- a Ruger SR9
- ALL of the above
The GOP is confident that this test will serve to bring the cream of the crop of Republican minds to the task of programming MN -1.
The planned roll-out of Mittrick Newtron will be in early June, and to this end both labs are working furiously around the clock. GOP officials who have visited the plant on a regular basis say that Mittrick Newtron is the first stage of what they are certain will be the blueprint for all future GOP candidates.
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