Republican Primary candidate Mitt Romney made an unscheduled campaign stop yesterday in New Blemish Alabama. The New Blemish Daily Morning Movement, the town’s paper of record reports that Mr. Romney stopped for breakfast, some “pressing the flesh,” and an impromptu “town hall” meeting at New Blemish’s favorite dining destination, Phil and Darla’s Hits ‘n Runs Diner, the same eatery where Wilfred T. Flense (known to his good friends as WTF) said he saw the Baby Jesus in his grilled cheese sandwich.
The Morning Movement notes Darla had to serve Mr. Romney herself after Laura Sue “lost track of what table he was at because he kept changing it.” As the Morning Movement writes; Darla said, “He walked in – followed closely by a FOX-TV crew – and he looked around, and then sat at that table over there by the window. So Laura Sue went over, and started to hand him a menu so she could take his order when he just got up, looked around again, and moved to the table over by the Blemish Flying Fruit Bats banner – that’s our high school baseball team – and so anyway, she went over there to take his order. So she hands him the menu and he starts looking at it. Meanwhile she went to get him the complimentary glass of water we always offer, and when she turned around to bring it over he just plain weren’t there – he had changed his table again – now he was over by the juke box in the corner.
So she brings him the water, and he asks her what’s good Lorena? Actually he said “Whut’s good y’all Lorena ma’am…kin ah git a biscuit y’all? Our nanny Mammy Beulah Mae made us all the bestest biscuits ‘n gritlins with cheese every mornin’ y’all ma’am.'” And Laura Sue who is really partial to our Sweet Cheeses sandwich – that’s what we re-named the grilled cheese sandwich that WTF said he saw the Baby Jesus in, and by the way, I believe him – anyway, Laura Sue says, “well, if you do like cheese, our Sweet Cheeses sandwich is my all-time very favorite” – and he goes; “hmmmm…okay, if y’all say so Lorena ma’am, then I’ll have the swee” – an’ he stops and says; “No, I think maybe I…whut’s a cat fish? Cat fish? And she explained to him that it wasn’t really a cat, but a fish. “Ahhh” he goes…”Ah see…well…Ah… jest… mahght…try… the… liver and onio – hmmmm, ooh, what’s this Fruit Bats Delight Special ma’am y’all?”
So, of course she tells him that that’s “our famous No-hit, No Runs Burger” house special – a quarter pound select all beef patty topped with 3 strips of bacon and melted string cheese, sauerkraut, and ketchup, sandwiched between 2 griddle cakes, and it comes with a side of baked beans and a half-price pitcher of beer; it’s our second most popular menu item. “Hmmm” he goes again, “maybe Ah’ll try that y’all ma’am, but with a glass of mi” – and he stops again, gets up and looks around and says; “Y’all know whut Lorena? Ah thayank Ah lahks the first table Ah wuz at after all” – and he moves back to that table over there by the window where he was in the first place, and poor Laura Sue is now wondering if A. she should actually really put the water down on that table or not, or what? – And B. should she maybe change her name to Lorena?
That’s when I stepped in for poor Laura Sue. Anyway, after he ate breakfast, and it took him a full 47 minutes to finally decide on scrambled eggs, buttered white toast, and coffee, though he changed his mind quite a few times deciding on that – first he said scrambled soft, then he said no, make that sunny side up – with tomatoes on the side, and then he went back to scrambled regular – but with grilled onions on the side and rye toast, and then he changed back to sunny side up – but no tomatoes, and whole wheat toast dry, and then he said “Y’all know whut ma’am? Scratch the eggs altogether, Ah’ve heard tell y’all serve the best biscuit ‘n cheesy gritlins hereabouts ma’am y’all.” I guess he meant cheese grits, but then he said “Nope – I’ll have the scrambled toast, and coffee after all, y’all. Ma’am”
Because I kept crossing things out the order looked all messed up, and when I handed it in to Phil he just kept squinting at it trying to read it, and I had to explain the order to him while looking at Mr Romney just hoping he wouldn’t change his mind again. Actually, he did raise his hand but I just made out like I didn’t see it – I’m in Community Theater.
So after breakfast Mr. Romney changed his mind, surprise – and decided he wouldn’t have a town hall meeting after all. But he did ask why the grilled cheese sandwich was called “Sweet Cheeses”, and after I told him the story about WTF seeing the baby Jesus and all, he told us that he asked because when he was in college he was the grilled cheese cooking expert in his dorm, and that his fellow students got to calling him Oven Mitt. The article continues; Darla said she asked the Fox TV guy if he was getting all this, and he said – getting all what? Governor Romney sat down, ordered a steak and a salad, ate it, paid, shook everybody’s hand, and left. I said, but he didn’t do any of that, and also, he’s still here. And you know what the guy said? He said “yeah, but our Fox viewers don’t want to see that, we’ll shoot it our way later.
After they all left Darla added; “I think maybe the Governor’s dorm buddies should have called him Mitt out-a-clue.
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