Another Conference Call from Die Reichstag Headquarters

Hello? Ted? Paul? Michele? Rand? Eric? John? Guten tag meine freunde – it’s Joey again, Joey Goebbels.

(listens)

County-by-county results of 2002 US Senate election in Kentucky.

Ja, I know ve haven’t spoken in a coon’s age hahaha – Ich leibe zat line. So vhat’s it been…a year, a year und a half? As I alvays say; time flies vhen you’re fucking mit people’s heads eh?

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Babies, kinderle, I told you – forget der Herr shit okay…like I told Reince; ve’re just a bunch of regular Nazis here, ganz gut? Just call me Joey ja? Okay? Okay! Anyvay, I haff to let you know zat I sink you guyss are not exactly following mein playbook perfectly. Haven’t I taught you patzers anything about propaganda? And anozz–

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Paul, honey – you are giving to me Kopfschmerzen mit all zat noise… shtop clicking your heels und sit down – zat stuff vent out after Adolf rented Inglourious Basterds on Netflix …

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Ja, Ja, naturlich, der fat putz Limbaugh iss sehr funny but…

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 …Ja – aber, he is killing us mit die damen. Die damen did not like zis business about Fraulein Fluke und ve are a little vorried zat you have turned zem against us by letting zis idiot rave on like zis. Have you forgotten vas Adolf alvays said after he caved ven Eva vas upset mit him? He alvays said “vas can ve do…ein pussy hair can pull a locomotive  – vas chance do ve haff?” Die damen are gonna kill us in ’14 und ’16 if you schmucks don’t drop zis crap mit das abortion rights, und das contraception und das probes…alzough, I must say, das probes vere sehr gut for us…Mengele luffs zis idea…aber, it doesn’t play anymore, ja? You guyss have forgotten zat you must keep hammering out der same messages over und over und over und over und over again about zis schwartzer Obama. Zat he ist not a citizen – zat der government shut down und der economy ist all his fault – zat he vill not negotiate!!…ziss is der main strategy – ziss is straight outta der Goebbells playbook meine freunde und…

(listens)

…Ja, und vas I vas going to say vas exactly zat…zat since ve know zat ziss base of yours has das collective intelligence of a *bagel, ve need to up der ante even more. Ve must hammer away at zem zat zey are going to lose zeir Social Security, und zeir pensions, und zeir homes, und zeir jobs, unless zey elect Republicans. Und it ist really der Democrats who vant to privatize alles – und, not  to digress, aber it vas wery, wery brilliant – ausgezeichnet – how you guyss got zose verking idiots in Ohio und Visconsin to turn on zeir own unions, und der whole idea of a union, but zat vas zen und now is n —

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…Nein, nein, nein, I’m sorry to sound here like that dummkopf Herman Cain. Und spreching uff dummkopfs; ziss Randy Neugebauer – iss he a Cherman?  Aber, of course I haff not forgotten der immigrant zhing, vas, you don’t know mit whom you are spreching mit all of a zudden? Teddy, Paulie – tatalas, I invented der blame-it-all-on-der-immigrants sing. You can look it up on der google.

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… Listen – Johhny boy, sveetie, shtop crying for eine minute und…vy are you alvays mit der face das ist vet? Destroying a country ist supposed to be fun! Listen; chust keep doing vas you are doing – repeat after me, der government shut down ist Obama’s fault. He iss ze vun who vill not negotiate – und you?  You are a man of der people, eine mann des volkes. Und Republicans are for der verking people. Repeat after me; Republicans haff alvays been for der verking class. Und vile I remember; keep up der bullshit about vanting to negotiate. Und ven you say such a funny sing you should try to keep straight your orange face.

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sehr gut, Michele tatala, chust look like you understand ja?  You got it baby. Was ist das Paulie?…

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…Ja, keep screaming about der Keystone pferdeapfel – it’s a vinner. Let us hammer zat ve need der Keystone even zough all die oil zat goes srough it vill be for export to uzzer countries. Und sprechin’ of Keystone; I neffer told you, but you guyss did a great job voting down der Dems bill zat vould have mandated zat all der steel in das pipeline be from der USA, und all der oil vould be for domestic use. Ziss ist funny no? Zere vould not be nearly as much profit zere for our oil backers if zat bill passed. Wohlgetan! Und you and I know ve don’t really need Keystone anyway since oil rigs are up 60 percent, der highest since 1987, und it doesn’t affect der price because der price is set by OPEC, but der boobs in der base don’t have a clue. Alzo, vas if it vill fuck up der permafrost – who cares? If ve make our oil backers money, zey back us in elections – simple.

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…Ja Michele, das ist sehr gut. Chust keep saying Obama is Satan…Obama is Satan. Zat is your sing. Und about zis debt limit stuff. Alzo sehr gut!  Der schwartzer vill be blamed for America’s credit tanking. Und by der vay vile I sink of it: tell Mitch McConnell zat hiss labeling Obamacare a “monstrosity” is perfeckt. Und he should know von monstrosity.

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…That’s what I’m sprechin’on ya babies, you are dealing mit morons who need to be told vas is going on – it doesn’t matter if vas zey see is vhite  if ve say vas zey are seeing is black. I sink I make der joke ja? Nor does it matter zat ve haff never done ein decent sing for anyone who is not vell-off like us. Und it also doesn’t matter in der least zat ve haff not got eine single solitary person of substance in our Tea Party – or zat – let’s face facts here kinderle – you are all pretty much ignorant putzes. In fact, zis verks in our favor – it ist exactly vy our base likes you. Our base does not trust smart people. Zo you chust keep on doing and spreching vas I have told you to do und sprech.

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Ya know Rand…Randela shveetie…Randie liebste – I got nothin’ for ya. Vas kind of Republican are you anyway? Ve luff die “no more spending on programs” rant – aber, I mean, vas is das about you don’t like der Patriot Act? Homeland security? Homeland; reminds vun of Der Fazzerland ja? Aber, vas ist das crazy talk? Homeland security is how ve keep tabs on der peasants. Und, no more Iraq or Afghanistan wars?? Zese are wunderbar vars. Vy don’t you like a nice war? A lovely angriffe? Vas kind of Republican are you anyway?

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VE NEED VAR! VAR IS GUT! I VILL NOT HEAR SUCH DRECK!

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I’m sorry I yelled at you Randela. You’re a good boy…

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…Adolf’s vell, although Eva’s been on him for a new couch. I’ll tell him you all asked…in fact he’s picking me up later – ve are going to der hood to laugh at poor people.  Gotta run. Keep der lies comin’…Remember, like I said before; if ve let zhis nigger Obama get ziss Jewess Hillary elected, und she gets a Democratic congress to vork with, ve are all fucked.

* Author’s note: There is no intention here to demean the noble bagel by comparing its intelligence to the lack of same in any of the Republican candidates – or their base.

© tony powers and Barking in the Dark, 2013. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to tony powers and Barking in the Dark with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.