God and Her son Jesus held a joint press conference today to answer the charges that they had been conspiring to help Tim Tebow win football games this season. Said God, “yeah sure – I was helping this kid all along – like I have nothing better to do with my Sundays but watch the Denver Broncos.” Jesus added, “first of all mom and I had New England minus 13 ½, so we actually wanted to see Tebow get his ass handed to himself out there. Mind you, he’s a good kid, but be that as it may, I swear on Her that neither of us had anything to do with him winning or losing – or hurting his elbow – straight up. And this business about kneeling and looking up to the sky – puh-leeze okay? I mean, give us a break…what does this guy think is up there? We do not live up there. And kneeling – for that? It’s so passé. Take my word for it – we invented kneeling for other reasons, we’ll just let it go at that, okay? Look, this kid has a 5 year deal worth $11,250,000, what’s he need us for? Mom and I are tryin’ to work some loaves and fishes miracles for people who are starving and who don’t even have a manger to piss in, so why on earth would we care about this millionaire – or any millionaire?” God leaned into the microphone – “and – why on earth would me or J help Denver, Colorado anyway? Have you noticed that Jesus and I are both black? You ever see any black people in that stadium except the people on the field? Or brown? Or Latino – right? I don’t even think there’re any Jewish people in that town. Well…maybe there’re a couple of high priced personal injury lawyers for those freaks who ski into trees. But I mean, get real – I created Colorado for bison! Denver was just an afterthought, a place the kid and I could get away for some snow boarding. And, since we’re on the subject, we had nothing to do with that song Rocky Mountain High either.” She moved over as Jesus leaned into the mike, “and you know” he said, “I never hear these guys thank us after a loss…after coming through a game unhurt…” He looked around at the assembled reporters…“I mean, if, as a lot of them say, they’re not praying to win – just to do their best, than why aren’t they just as happy that they did their job and are still in one piece? And if they aren’t praying to win but just praying to do their best, and if the other guy is praying to do his best, then it’s got nothing to do with us anyway – but everything to do with who’s best – right?” So please leave me and mom outta this okay? And while we are rooting for The Giants to win tomorrow, we will not be affecting the outcome – although we have taken them plus 8.”
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