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God and Her son Jesus held a joint press conference today to answer the charges that they had been conspiring to help Tim Tebow win football games this season. Said God, “yeah sure – I was helping this kid all along – like I have nothing better to do with my Sundays but watch the Denver Broncos.” Jesus added, “first of all mom and I had New England minus 13 ½, so we actually wanted to see Tebow get his ass handed to himself out there. Mind you, he’s a good kid, but be that as it may, I swear on Her that neither of us had anything to do with him winning or losing – or hurting his elbow – straight up. And this business about kneeling and looking up to the sky – puh-leeze okay? I mean, give us a break…what does this guy think is up there? We do not live up there. And kneeling – for that? It’s so passé. Take my word for it – we invented kneeling for other reasons, we’ll just let it go at that, okay? Look, this kid has a 5 year deal worth $11,250,000, what’s he need us for? Mom and I are tryin’ to work some loaves and fishes miracles for people who are starving and who don’t even have a manger to piss in, so why on earth would we care about this millionaire – or any millionaire?” God leaned into the microphone – “and – why on earth would me or J help Denver, Colorado anyway? Have you noticed that Jesus and I are both black? You ever see any black people in that stadium except the people on the field? Or brown? Or Latino – right? I don’t even think there’re any Jewish people in that town. Well…maybe there’re a couple of high priced personal injury lawyers for those freaks who ski into trees. But I mean, get real – I created Colorado for bison! Denver was just an afterthought, a place the kid and I could get away for some snow boarding. And, since we’re on the subject, we had nothing to do with that song Rocky Mountain High either.” She moved over as Jesus leaned into the mike, “and you know” he said, “I never hear these guys thank us after a loss…after coming through a game unhurt…” He looked around at the assembled reporters…“I mean, if, as a lot of them say, they’re not praying to win – just to do their best, than why aren’t they just as happy that they did their job and are still in one piece? And if they aren’t praying to win but just praying to do their best, and if the other guy is praying to do his best, then it’s got nothing to do with us anyway – but everything to do with who’s best – right?” So please leave me and mom outta this okay? And while we are rooting for The Giants to win tomorrow, we will not be affecting the outcome – although we have taken them plus 8.”
© tony powers and Barking in the Dark, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to tony powers and Barking in the Dark with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Barking In The Dark 
Your satire hits the spot. I don’t know who this Tim Tebow kid is but reading this
I don’t need to. And that’s the excellence of it.
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Posted by Single Malt Monkey | January 19, 2012, 12:41 pmthans Al, that is as good a compliment as i’ve ever received regarding a satirical piece. it tells me that i achieved exactly what i set out to in writing it. again, thanks man, and continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | January 20, 2012, 2:30 amHe needs to do a quick check-in at Wrigley, man. Come ON.
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Posted by Lilabell | January 18, 2012, 5:17 amLilabell, ya think it’ll help the Cubbies???? 🙂 continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | January 18, 2012, 5:46 amI’m not sure if the Big-Guy himself could help, but maybe adding Tebow to the pitching staff might. Nah…
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Posted by Lilabell | January 19, 2012, 11:08 pmI was wondering why my keeling in my local Friday’s praying for a decent cooked steak wan not getting the job done
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Posted by fivej | January 16, 2012, 3:24 pmhahaha…ya think? thanks for the funny snarky comment…and happy MLK day. continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | January 16, 2012, 8:20 pmP.S. and it was getting it “done”…WELL done. 🙂 continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | January 16, 2012, 8:24 pmNow if someone could get HER to pay attention to my poor NY Mets, that would be nice…
Also, while I’m not a fan, Tebow should get credit to standing for his beliefs and (to my knowledge) not being a dick about it…
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Posted by El Guapo | January 16, 2012, 1:48 amok, i’ll give you that…it’s just all this thanking God after a play that gets a little annoying, as if She’s playing favorites….or even cares…or even is. anyway, yeah – i’m a Mets fan too…they might be beyond divine help EG. thanks for the comment. continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | January 16, 2012, 2:03 am😆 After I regained my composure, I asked her son to help me remember where I put the info on how to show you what I was doing. I heard a sigh from afar and, I think, the word “idiot.”
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Posted by Sparks In Shadow | January 15, 2012, 11:16 pmhahahaha… thanks Re. but i think he was referring to me. continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | January 16, 2012, 2:07 amwell said
you got a good laugh out of me and you know how hard that is
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Posted by E | January 15, 2012, 5:38 pmthank you sweetheart…i know how difficult it was for you 🙂 but once in a while eh? continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | January 15, 2012, 8:34 pmWhat in hades is a Tebow?
Actually had to google this over-paid loon. Have a sneaking suspicion that if She really does speak to people it’s not going to be to the likes of some grandstanding millionaire athlete or George W. Pretty sure She’d be whispering into Hitchen’s ear. Just an errant thought.
You know at least this guy is bringing prayer back to it’s rightful place: the masses including all creeds on national television (my god’s better than your god, my god’s better than yours….) and hopefully next, our schools.
After all that’s what I want my child to learn: hard work, initiative and teamwork are futile. Faith is only for the unseen and unproven. Not yourself!
Your piece bust me up. As always you make a fine point with humor and verve. Startled the cat with a laugh after reading ‘Take my word for it – we invented kneeling for other reasons, we’ll just let it go at that, okay?’
Tony you never disappoint.
-singing- Isis loves you, this I know, for Mr Tebow tells me so
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Posted by Rachael Black | January 15, 2012, 4:23 pmas usual Miss Rachael a pointed, wonderful, snark-filled comment…and i always appreciate your intelligent read and your props. thank you, and i hope this finds you well and continuing…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | January 15, 2012, 8:39 pmNow that the Broncos got blown out of Gillette Stadium last night, hopefully Tebow talk/mania will be put to rest.
Remember, Tebow brought this religious stuff on himself, not anybody else, until the media made a big thing out of it.
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Posted by Don in Massachusetts | January 15, 2012, 12:43 pmahhh…he’s just a kid with a dream (as poker analyst Norman Chad says)…thanks for reading Don, and for the comment. continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | January 15, 2012, 8:42 pmBeautiful! I love this! You are a genius!
Thanks
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Posted by SusanWritesPrecise | January 15, 2012, 11:59 amwhy..blush, blush…thank you ma’am. i really appreciate your reading it Susan, and your very kind comment. continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | January 15, 2012, 8:43 pmI’m surprised how many people care about one guy who does the kneel/thanks thing. That being said… nice humor piece. 🙂
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Posted by Another Boomer Blog | January 15, 2012, 11:02 amme too Marsha…but that’s the country/climate we live in eh? thanks for the kind props and comment. continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | January 15, 2012, 8:46 pmYour first five words set the whole scene, “God and HER son Jesus…” Love it! People can be just so silly…. 😉
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Posted by She speaks.... | January 15, 2012, 7:26 amthanks Michelle, i always appreciate your take on my stuff…as usual you hit the nail on the head. continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | January 15, 2012, 8:48 pmBlondegirl, it makes absolute sense…for the most part, we are illogical, fuzzy thinkers, who believe in witchcraft – or its equivalent. not you and i of course…just everyone else. 🙂 thanks so much for reading and for the provocative comment. continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | January 15, 2012, 6:45 amToday I was telling someone that despite Tebow being a good kid, good player, blah, blah, blah, praying in the NFL isn’t new. And there’s a bunch more praying that their team will do well also, so I doubt God takes sides when it comes to football. Typical American, ethno-centric, theocentric thinking.
The media has made this in to more than it is. I don’t think God cares about ESPN. But if I were to say what I think God is thinking or caring about, that would make me the type of person that drives me crazy. Does that make sense?
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Posted by blondgirl008 | January 15, 2012, 6:33 am