In light of recent statements by Senator Rick Santorum, Ethel Satan held a press conference this morning to take issue with Santorum’s remarks. Said Mrs. Satan, “I have been married to the wonderful Mr. Satan forever” she said, “And I can tell you that far from this image he has of someone “evil” – and here she made the air quotes gesture – my husband has been a fierce advocate for so many oppressed peoples all over the world. He has been a staunch advocate for girls who “just wanna have fun,” for men and women who like having a nice shag, and sometimes with members of their own sex, for boys who enjoy a good wank in the shower, for females everywhere who have a pet vibrator named “Big Boy, for women who’ve killed their abusive husbands, men who have murdered their daughter’s rapists, brothers who’ve avenged an abused sister – the list of people he’s championed is endless,” she said.
“And calling my husband the “father of lies” is as absurd as to defy logic. We knew the father of lies. Oog was the father of lies, and my husband was, and is, no Oog. In fact, Oog’s wife Grud was as much a pioneer of lying, and the big lie, as Oog was. She famously once swore to me on “The Great Bush” that Oog invented phlegm.” When reporters asked her what she and Mr. Satan thought of Senator Santorum she replied; “You know, I think he’s certifiable, and my husband – who I know has met him briefly on the few occasions when Santorum was in his office bathroom masturbating over a copy of Boy’s Life – he thinks he’s quite a drab little man, but one who can be cunning. He also says he possesses an arrogant mean streak. And don’t forget he was a lawyer.
In all the centuries we’ve both rarely encountered someone with such a toxic combination of arrogance, self-righteousness, and ignorance. Maybe Rilph the Oaf came close.” She took a sip of water before continuing, “And there’s only one real sin on that ridiculous list of ten – imagine, one should have no idols? Hello, this is the network, we have to cancel American Idol…I can’t use my laptop on Saturday? Honor one’s parents – even one who’s a child molester? But the one sin that my husband agrees that is really foul is lying…so for this asshole to accuse my dear husband of being the “father of lies” is an obscene joke. Lying is something not even my old man can put up with it. Whatever anyone thinks of Mr. Satan he is no liar. To the contrary, he is an upfront badass who knows that the truth hurts waaay more than most lies. But this Santorum character is a serial prevaricator – right to your face – and also it gives my old man agida to even hear his name come out of this punk’s mouth.”
She was then asked, since she painted Santorum as a liar’s liar, if he’d be going to hell? She looked genuinely surprised and said; “Are you kidding? We’re having a great party down there every day and night. We have all the most interesting people, the most decadent sinners – We’ve learned quite a few interesting positions from Mr. Casanova – and because that rigid nut God can’t let anyone into heaven since the admission rules are so strict – why do you think He’s so vengeful, angry, and destructive? – it’s because He’s all alone up there, whereas we have Einstein, and Galileo, and Van Gogh, and Hemingway, and the Marx Brothers, and Mozart, to name just a few – the list of great artists, inventors, and thinkers, having a good laugh down there with us is endless. Why, our dinner parties are legendary. Of course we never invite the tedious bores, and/or the liars among us; it’s a strict rule of my husband’s.
So to answer your question; yes, Mr. Santorum will be joining us…but never, NEVER, for dinner.”
© tony powers and Barking in the Dark, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to tony powers and Barking in the Dark with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.