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End Times Prediction According to Opposing Scientific Findings

According to the recently discovered NC – the Neanderthal Calendar – the “End Time” will occur tomorrow at 5:22 PM, which will seriously screw up rush hour. The NC year is divided into 4 months, 1. Hey look – my balls are thawing out, 2. Wow, it’s really nice out now, 3. Okay, what Happened to the Leaves? and 4. Holy shit – my tits are freezing off. This calendar says that tomorrow we should all “kiss our hairy ass goodbye.”

An artist's rendition of Neanderthals

An artist's rendition of Neanderthals (Photo credit: Wikipedia)


Based on Neanderthal cave paintings and writing, depicting what they purport to be “The End Time,” a group of Evangelical scientists at Liberty University, Oral Roberts University, Dallas Baptist University, and The University of Sioux Falls, in a joint finding, say they have proven that this prediction by The Neanderthals of “The Rapture” will come true. They have also determined that the Neanderthals spoke Hebrew, and that they correctly predicted the “Great Tribulation.”


For the better part of the last month Evangelicals, who are the True Believers, have been punching their ticket for their ascension to heaven via “The Rapture” by making their peace with all those they have transgressed against which, in their case, is a 24/7 job – and by bombing a few planned parenthood clinics.


However, scientists at The University of Chicago have incontrovertible proof that the Neanderthal cave paintings and writings do not, in fact, relate to “The End Time,” and have been wrongly deciphered by the Evangelical scientists as depicting “The Rapture.” The U. of Chicago team has proven that the writing actually says “Run Oog, this Time  I can’t hold up my End,”  and the writing beneath the depiction of men buckling under all the terrible weight of great unspeakably heavy Mastodons, should be correctly deciphered not as “The Rapture,” but as “The Rupture.”

They further cite the picture of the man doubled over clutching his groin.

And even further than that they have deciphered that the Neanderthal cave paintings show that the “Great Tribulation” was having a hairy elephant fall on your entire body.


As we now know, and can further see by the U. of Chicago findings, Neanderthals had larger brains, and were far more intelligent than Cro-Magnons who were the Fundamentalists/Evangelicals of their day, and whose own cave paintings showed drawing after drawing of people – growing progressively thinner – sitting in a circle  trying to cook meat over a wheel. The Cro-Magnon caves were also filled with drawings in which they predicted that the “End Time” would be upon them when Glorb son of Kug reached the extreme old age of seventeen. When Glorb passed seventeen, and the world was still there, he was stoned to death just because, and also on account. There is a Cro-Magnon cave drawing of his body being thrown into the wheel.


The Florida Supreme Court has granted the Evangelical scientist group an injunction against The University of Chicago which orders that everyone within the boundaries of its campus be restrained from ascending to Heaven tomorrow at 5:22.01 PM. The entire Evangelical/Fundamentalist fellowship feels that as logical moves go – to quote one beaming member – “this is a no-brainer.”



© tony powers and Barking in the Dark, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to tony powers and Barking in the Dark with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

About barkinginthedark

Tony Powers is a writer/actor/musician. His full bio may be seen by clicking on the picture, and then clicking on either of the 2 boxes below it.


40 thoughts on “End Times Prediction According to Opposing Scientific Findings

  1. I vote for we nuke them at 5.22.01, so they can rapture. The rest of us rupture a 1964 Bordeaux and enjoy the fireworks.


    Posted by Red | April 22, 2012, 2:44 am
  2. First paragraph: I was LMAO.


    Posted by Lorre | April 18, 2012, 6:58 pm
  3. Oh my word! I nearly choked on the walnuts I was snarfing during my lunch hour, I laughed so hard.


    Posted by lisahgolden | April 10, 2012, 6:28 pm
  4. You’re such a nut Tony :). I’m guaranteed a smile by you.

    I swear, I don’t know where you get these ideas from – what inspires them/what’s happened that brought this post on, or that post. You so make me laugh. Barring folks from ascension, indeed! You’d like to, wouldn’t you?!


    Posted by WordsFallFromMyEyes | April 7, 2012, 9:10 am
  5. ” This time I cant hold up my end” Hahaha -translation can be such a touchy thing!
    I just hope the end of the world stuff doesnt leae us with a major power outage like the 11 day one we had back in october ….

    PS – I could not leave comments yesterday, it was the strangest thing…..


    Posted by MJ, Nonstepmom | April 6, 2012, 1:58 pm
  6. Dang it! I had really good plans this weekend too. Although, this does mean I can skip my eyebrow waxing…


    Posted by Frugalistablog | April 6, 2012, 5:45 am
  7. Love it! But, just thinking…. perhaps I will hold off all my Christmas shopping until Dec 22nd. That way, if the doomsayers are right, I don’t want to spend my money on gifts that will never be given. Maybe I’ll go on a cruise instead. Naaawww… cruise ships seem to be a hazard to ones health these days.

    So, if they stoned Grog when he didn’t croak at 17, then are the nutcases going to nuke the world on Dec. 22nd?

    Excellent work, once again, Tony. Each sentence is more anticipating than the last as it’s impossible to predict what wit you created.


    Posted by She speaks.... | April 6, 2012, 1:42 am
  8. Tony, am STILL laughing as I attempt to steady the hands and type this.
    Utter wit, great play on history/religion/idiots and your special spark of humor.

    Actually, according to another study I read on the Internet (it MUST be true) the end of the world as predicted by the Mayans (the ancient people who took cooking meat to an art form), happened seven years ago.
    I’m living on borrowed time. Love using it to read your posts.


    Posted by Rachael Black | April 6, 2012, 12:39 am
  9. I was going out to get groceries for the week, but, uh, I guess I should just stay home and pray? Nah! I think I’ll go anyway “just because, and also on account.” I love that line, Tony. 🙂


    Posted by Sparks In Shadow | April 6, 2012, 12:07 am
  10. I don’t have time tomorrow, think I can ask for a delay?


    Posted by valentine logar | April 5, 2012, 7:10 pm
  11. And somewhere, Harold Campings accountant is rubbing his hands together with glee….


    Posted by El Guapo | April 5, 2012, 5:01 pm
  12. I meant great post not great pot.. or maybe will need some of that for the rapture 🙂


    Posted by free penny press | April 5, 2012, 1:39 pm
  13. Ok, having a moment here..this is satire, right? If not I’m gonna be rather irritated as I have a hair appt at 6pm and that means I have to be raptured up with a bad haircut and faded highlights..
    another great pot!!!


    Posted by free penny press | April 5, 2012, 1:37 pm
  14. Thanks for the info and the smiles. Guess I won’t be buying any green bananas…


    Posted by SusanWritesPrecise | April 5, 2012, 1:26 pm
  15. Tomorrow? 5-22p? Happy Hour cancelled? Just my luck…


    Posted by jotsfromasmallapt | April 5, 2012, 1:12 pm
  16. Oh my you are so right i have seen the carvings and paintings but always though some drunk neander drew them all but now what you said makes so much sense
    ..I wish it would make to newspaper headlines..but what good will it do we are going to DIE..Thanks for this last act of kindness although it would have been nice if we were informed earlier…you know building ships or something


    Posted by Soma Mukherjee | April 5, 2012, 12:06 pm
  17. Fast paced and funny. Vintage. Haha. I expect nothing less.


    Posted by Single Malt Monkey | April 5, 2012, 10:50 am

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