According to the recently discovered NC – the Neanderthal Calendar – the “End Time” will occur tomorrow at 5:22 PM, which will seriously screw up rush hour. The NC year is divided into 4 months, 1. Hey look – my balls are thawing out, 2. Wow, it’s really nice out now, 3. Okay, what Happened to the Leaves? and 4. Holy shit – my tits are freezing off. This calendar says that tomorrow we should all “kiss our hairy ass goodbye.”
Based on Neanderthal cave paintings and writing, depicting what they purport to be “The End Time,” a group of Evangelical scientists at Liberty University, Oral Roberts University, Dallas Baptist University, and The University of Sioux Falls, in a joint finding, say they have proven that this prediction by The Neanderthals of “The Rapture” will come true. They have also determined that the Neanderthals spoke Hebrew, and that they correctly predicted the “Great Tribulation.”
For the better part of the last month Evangelicals, who are the True Believers, have been punching their ticket for their ascension to heaven via “The Rapture” by making their peace with all those they have transgressed against which, in their case, is a 24/7 job – and by bombing a few planned parenthood clinics.
However, scientists at The University of Chicago have incontrovertible proof that the Neanderthal cave paintings and writings do not, in fact, relate to “The End Time,” and have been wrongly deciphered by the Evangelical scientists as depicting “The Rapture.” The U. of Chicago team has proven that the writing actually says “Run Oog, this Time I can’t hold up my End,” and the writing beneath the depiction of men buckling under all the terrible weight of great unspeakably heavy Mastodons, should be correctly deciphered not as “The Rapture,” but as “The Rupture.”
They further cite the picture of the man doubled over clutching his groin.
And even further than that they have deciphered that the Neanderthal cave paintings show that the “Great Tribulation” was having a hairy elephant fall on your entire body.
As we now know, and can further see by the U. of Chicago findings, Neanderthals had larger brains, and were far more intelligent than Cro-Magnons who were the Fundamentalists/Evangelicals of their day, and whose own cave paintings showed drawing after drawing of people – growing progressively thinner – sitting in a circle trying to cook meat over a wheel. The Cro-Magnon caves were also filled with drawings in which they predicted that the “End Time” would be upon them when Glorb son of Kug reached the extreme old age of seventeen. When Glorb passed seventeen, and the world was still there, he was stoned to death just because, and also on account. There is a Cro-Magnon cave drawing of his body being thrown into the wheel.
The Florida Supreme Court has granted the Evangelical scientist group an injunction against The University of Chicago which orders that everyone within the boundaries of its campus be restrained from ascending to Heaven tomorrow at 5:22.01 PM. The entire Evangelical/Fundamentalist fellowship feels that as logical moves go – to quote one beaming member – “this is a no-brainer.”
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