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Exclusive! Rick Santorum’s Mistress Interviewed

martini cocktail

martini cocktail (Photo credit: stormgrass)

Rick Santorum’s mistress of two years, in her first interview, and over her fourth martini, says, “I lose my lady wood when Ricky starss praying on th’rare ‘ccasions when he gess ready to climb onto me.” The former porn star takes a long slow drink and daintily puts her glass down in that over-careful way that someone does when they are a little more than somewhat tipsy. It is 4:25 in the afternoon, and cigarette smoke-filled shafts of sunlight slowly move across the tables near the front window of her favorite haunt The Fine Fishy Kettle, a dimly lit saloon of dubious reputation in a slightly less than glamorous part of Washington D.C. She is precariously perched on a stool at her preferred spot at the far end of the bar.

Silence…

She picks up her glass, takes a sip and then; “We met on-line at Chrishian Mingle…I figgered he was a l’il kinky ‘cause he used the name Strickt…I foun’ ou’ later wha’ he meant was St. Rick – an’ the t was a typo!” The still somewhat perky woman in her late 40’s pauses to look around then; “Y’know – iss one thing to pray bfor an’ affer every meal, an’  three times on Sunday,” she takes another sip, “but sayn a prayer before you shtup?, An’ to pray tha’ll be good?” Her elbow slips off the bar. “’Scuse me – an’ tha’ll stay  hard? It does sort of de-lube the ol’ hoohah a bit…‘kay – a lot.”

She takes another sip, maneuvers the glass down almost onto the coaster – only two inches off target – fumbles inside the flip-top box of a pack of Marlboros, extracts one, and, puffing on it mightily, tries to light it – without any lighter flame. She gestures to me to lean in closer, leans in herself, and lowers her voice to a conspiratorial whisper, “I haffa lie bout the pill…” and then: “Y’know I ner drank ‘til I met Ricky…”

She straightens back up and continues trying to light the cigarette…

More silence…

Then:

“An’ why does he have twear tha stupid swerr vest to bed whenevr? I knowss his traymark and all…buss so not hot!” She finally gets the lighter flame going and tries – without success – to maneuver the moving flame closer to the cigarette, gives up, sighs, then leans in over her glass, and for about ten seconds stares into it – as if in a trance. She finally picks it up, takes another sip and continues, her words becoming even more slurred, “And one affenoon I thought oooh – he’sh gonna go down on me – buh he wash just reachin’ ‘cross me to get to his goddamn fuggin’ bible. Sreally becomin’ a bore.

More silence. Then:

‘Nother aftnoon’ ‘fore he wen back to the snate he said oh God, I love you – I was sooo happy  –  ntil I realized he wasn’t talkin’ to me.”

Then, missing the ashtray by a good  3 inches, she stubs the unlit cigarette out on the bar.

She finishes her martini, fumbles for another Marlboro light, and raises her arm to order another drink – her fifth. As the bartender approaches; “He’s cute the bartenner huh?” she says winking at me…“Bartenner…did anyone ever tell you you’re a good bartenner bartennerer…huh? I’ll take anur martini, an’ les jus’ lose the vmouth hmmm.” She tries lighting this cigarette, “he’s gonna drive me nuts wall the prayin’ – wou you blieve he prays affer dinner too? Thass not a exgagge- exgara- exaggregatshun either.  I am tryn t’ do it with a prayin’ mattress,” the slowly zig-zagging lighter flame still some 6 inches from the cigarette.

The bartender leans in, and says softly, “Ma’am, I don’t think you should have another – really. In fact, I think I should call you a cab because you’re in no condition to drive home.” She looks at him in that weaving unfocussed way that people do when they’ve had a wee bit too much, “bartenner, you are a gennaman an’ a cholera, an’ I than’ you for your cocern, an’ I kinely sept your kine offer.” She makes an unsuccessful attempt to stand – and plops back down and says, “Y’know, I’m tryin’ to keep it togerr, bu’ sometimes I wonner why I bother, an’ I wonner fRicky juss wanssa be pressdent juss so’s he can make it a law thaeverybody hassa cross themselves fore they cross the street…or somethin’ like tha.”

She turns and stares at me in that same weaving, unfocussed, inebriated way. Then, turning back: “Boy, I sure wish I hadda cgrette”

© tony powers and Barking in the Dark, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to tony powers and Barking in the Dark with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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About barkinginthedark

Tony Powers is a writer/actor/musician. His full bio may be seen by clicking on the picture, and then clicking on either of the 2 boxes below it.

Discussion

31 thoughts on “Exclusive! Rick Santorum’s Mistress Interviewed

  1. Genius, Tony. The EAST’s Tom Waits ? As Ry Cooder said, you need the do-reh-me. Never mind, here’s a great platform and when the primaries are over you could post up a “Greatest Posts” of the Primaries from your excellent collection. That would be fun. Also, ” you are a gennaman an’ a cholera…” brilliant !

    Like

    Posted by Single Malt Monkey | April 4, 2012, 7:28 am
  2. This is brilliant–with the exception of the part about the sweater vest (or swerr ves as it were). I’ll have you know that the ladies love my sweater vest. What they DON’T like is the “Santorum Special.”

    Like

    Posted by Smaktakula | April 4, 2012, 1:02 am
  3. So glad you are bringing this to light, even if it is swirled in smoke and soaked in gin. You do a wonderful job of creating the drunken time warp. If I had to take a bayonet to it, I would imagine a conversation with him would be equally disjointed and chronological.
    Red.

    Like

    Posted by Red | April 3, 2012, 5:21 pm
  4. I dont know how you do it, the southern trailer dialect and now the drunk…and with such accuracy ! You could work as a translator…I’m sure theres a market for it !

    Like

    Posted by MJ, Nonstepmom | April 2, 2012, 11:39 pm
  5. Tony, another gem of a post. It wouldn’t surprise that Rick has so many skeletons in his closet, that he probably has a hard time keeping the door closed. go on…

    Like

    Posted by Don in Massachusetts | April 2, 2012, 10:19 pm
  6. First, and apropos of nothing in your post.. you ARE the East Coast Tom Waits. Dammit sweetie wish you made another album.
    Okay, onto your writing today:
    Christian Mingle… still choking. The full reading of your Sun-rise interview required hospitalization.
    Signed,
    Some Idiot Home Nurse In Reno

    Like

    Posted by Rachael Black | April 2, 2012, 8:38 pm
    • Actaully take that back…. No ONE could but you could compose and wirtea tune such as Old Rght Ringer and Going into Space.
      -Curtsy’s again towards you babe-

      Like

      Posted by Rachael Black | April 2, 2012, 8:41 pm
    • Rachael, thank you so much for your most witty and kind comments re this post, and my CD. i value highly these words coming from a razor sharp mind such as yours. as to another CD would love to but don’t have the $ and i don’t see any record labels standing in line to front me…of course, i haven’t sent any of them the CD…so that may be a good reason for this 🙂 continue…

      Like

      Posted by barkinginthedark | April 2, 2012, 9:29 pm
  7. Have to agree with Frugalista – why didn’t the reporter get his name? (not a typo)
    Great piece, the drunk dialogue is dead-on!
    Or so I’ve been told…

    Like

    Posted by El Guapo | April 2, 2012, 1:22 pm
  8. ewww, I mean just ewwww. Are you certain it was a woman and not a talking dog? This could have been the reason for the inability to light the cig, no opposing thumbs.

    Lovely one

    Like

    Posted by valentine logar | April 2, 2012, 1:13 pm
  9. Oh, just give her another Martini (sans the olive) and a non-filter smoke and call it a day..
    This was hilarious!!!

    Like

    Posted by free penny press | April 2, 2012, 11:30 am
  10. I can only do one martini. But I’d be okay with four interviews!

    Oh Tony, I don’t know this woman but could this by any sway of the imagination be libellous? You’re so out there! I guess it only could be if it actually resembles her & the resemblances are so obvious it’s embarrassing. Hic!

    Loved the ‘gennelman an a cholera’ – you’re a rage 🙂

    Like

    Posted by WordsFallFromMyEyes | April 2, 2012, 8:58 am
  11. Once again, phenomenal. I don’t know how you do it, but you always do. Your stories always visually put me in the scene and I swear I can hear the low voices of the bar patrons, smell the booze, the cigarettes – I am actually in the scene with you and Ms. Santorum here.

    And none of this would surprise me if it were true – even partly true. I’m willing to bet that Ricky has some very perverted secrets behind his bedroom door.

    Like

    Posted by She speaks.... | April 2, 2012, 6:13 am
    • thank you sweetheart for this kind comment. the funny thing is you say “Ms. Santorum”…i originally had it as his wife Karen, but thought that was a bit too unkind, and that to my mind she was off limits. so i changed it to his “mistress of 2 years.” anyway, as always, i really appreciate your “Michelle stamp of approval”. continue…

      Like

      Posted by barkinginthedark | April 2, 2012, 7:12 am
  12. The way things go with these overly zealous types, I bet you’re on the right track here, Tony. But when that shoe really drops, he’ll beg for forgiveness and all his followers will do just that. And I’ll be creeped out again.

    Like

    Posted by Sparks In Shadow | April 2, 2012, 5:56 am
  13. You have such an amazing sense of humour n wit.. what a fun story
    although what she said about the Rick making a new law in the end ..thaeverybody hassa cross themselves fore they cross the street…yup much needed 😉

    Like

    Posted by Soma Mukherjee | April 2, 2012, 4:18 am
  14. y’know F, our intrepid reporter just might have been fooled there…dim lights…hmmmm…thanks for the fun comment. continue…

    Like

    Posted by barkinginthedark | April 2, 2012, 3:26 am
    • Thanks man great website plus some great connett articles, keep up the actual greatI had been surfing search engines and I saw your site which is very interesting, keep it up! I simply added this blog site in order to my google readers, excellent things. I Cannot obtain sufficient!

      Like

      Posted by Ronald | July 17, 2013, 6:55 am
  15. You know me- I hear the word in my head the way you write them. I love it!
    But, wait a sec- I thought Rick’s mistress was in fact, wait for it- a guy. :0

    Like

    Posted by Frugalistablog | April 2, 2012, 3:10 am

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