According to the recently discovered NC – the Neanderthal Calendar – the “End Time” will occur tomorrow at 5:22 PM, which will seriously screw up rush hour. The NC year is divided into 4 months, 1. Hey look – my balls are thawing out, 2. Wow, it’s really nice out now, 3. Okay, what Happened to the Leaves? and 4. Holy shit – my tits are freezing off. This calendar says that tomorrow we should all “kiss our hairy ass goodbye.”
Based on Neanderthal cave paintings and writing, depicting what they purport to be “The End Time,” a group of Evangelical scientists at Liberty University, Oral Roberts University, Dallas Baptist University, and The University of Sioux Falls, in a joint finding, say they have proven that this prediction by The Neanderthals of “The Rapture” will come true. They have also determined that the Neanderthals spoke Hebrew, and that they correctly predicted the “Great Tribulation.”
For the better part of the last month Evangelicals, who are the True Believers, have been punching their ticket for their ascension to heaven via “The Rapture” by making their peace with all those they have transgressed against which, in their case, is a 24/7 job – and by bombing a few planned parenthood clinics.
However, scientists at The University of Chicago have incontrovertible proof that the Neanderthal cave paintings and writings do not, in fact, relate to “The End Time,” and have been wrongly deciphered by the Evangelical scientists as depicting “The Rapture.” The U. of Chicago team has proven that the writing actually says “Run Oog, this Time I can’t hold up my End,” and the writing beneath the depiction of men buckling under all the terrible weight of great unspeakably heavy Mastodons, should be correctly deciphered not as “The Rapture,” but as “The Rupture.”
They further cite the picture of the man doubled over clutching his groin.
And even further than that they have deciphered that the Neanderthal cave paintings show that the “Great Tribulation” was having a hairy elephant fall on your entire body.
As we now know, and can further see by the U. of Chicago findings, Neanderthals had larger brains, and were far more intelligent than Cro-Magnons who were the Fundamentalists/Evangelicals of their day, and whose own cave paintings showed drawing after drawing of people – growing progressively thinner – sitting in a circle trying to cook meat over a wheel. The Cro-Magnon caves were also filled with drawings in which they predicted that the “End Time” would be upon them when Glorb son of Kug reached the extreme old age of seventeen. When Glorb passed seventeen, and the world was still there, he was stoned to death just because, and also on account. There is a Cro-Magnon cave drawing of his body being thrown into the wheel.
The Florida Supreme Court has granted the Evangelical scientist group an injunction against The University of Chicago which orders that everyone within the boundaries of its campus be restrained from ascending to Heaven tomorrow at 5:22.01 PM. The entire Evangelical/Fundamentalist fellowship feels that as logical moves go – to quote one beaming member – “this is a no-brainer.”
© tony powers and Barking in the Dark, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to tony powers and Barking in the Dark with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
I vote for we nuke them at 5.22.01, so they can rapture. The rest of us rupture a 1964 Bordeaux and enjoy the fireworks.
Red.
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hahaha…yup. well said Red. continue…
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First paragraph: I was LMAO.
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thanks Lorre, love to make a lady laugh. continue…
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Oh my word! I nearly choked on the walnuts I was snarfing during my lunch hour, I laughed so hard.
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Thanks Lisa h, i would’ve had to Heimlich you – wait, that doesn’t sound right -does it? 🙂 continue…
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Right or not, it sounds like fun.
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yes it does. but back to your original comment – i am always happy to have given a girl a giggle. continue…continue…
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You’re such a nut Tony :). I’m guaranteed a smile by you.
I swear, I don’t know where you get these ideas from – what inspires them/what’s happened that brought this post on, or that post. You so make me laugh. Barring folks from ascension, indeed! You’d like to, wouldn’t you?!
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Noeleen, thank you for this comment…it’s brought a HUGE smile to my face. I dunno where these things come from either…well, i do but…hey, if folks wanna ascend i say let ’em. 😀 continue…
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” This time I cant hold up my end” Hahaha -translation can be such a touchy thing!
I just hope the end of the world stuff doesnt leae us with a major power outage like the 11 day one we had back in october ….
PS – I could not leave comments yesterday, it was the strangest thing…..
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hmmm…oh well, here you are. Thanks Janet, yes, the end of the world can be quite disruptive. continue…
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Dang it! I had really good plans this weekend too. Although, this does mean I can skip my eyebrow waxing…
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yes F., we are all relieved of any and all plans. altho’ you may wanna wax for the trip. continue…
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Love it! But, just thinking…. perhaps I will hold off all my Christmas shopping until Dec 22nd. That way, if the doomsayers are right, I don’t want to spend my money on gifts that will never be given. Maybe I’ll go on a cruise instead. Naaawww… cruise ships seem to be a hazard to ones health these days.
So, if they stoned Grog when he didn’t croak at 17, then are the nutcases going to nuke the world on Dec. 22nd?
Excellent work, once again, Tony. Each sentence is more anticipating than the last as it’s impossible to predict what wit you created.
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Michelle, glad to see you back. yes. re nuking us on Dec 22, we will all have to go under our desks and cover our heads and it will be okay. as to the pot “typo”, Lynne was prolly stoned at the time. as always, thanks for the witty comment. continue…
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Oh, I’ve been here. Just tired and staring at the monitor a lot more than typing on the keyboard.
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ok. stare away. continue…
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Tony, am STILL laughing as I attempt to steady the hands and type this.
Utter wit, great play on history/religion/idiots and your special spark of humor.
Actually, according to another study I read on the Internet (it MUST be true) the end of the world as predicted by the Mayans (the ancient people who took cooking meat to an art form), happened seven years ago.
I’m living on borrowed time. Love using it to read your posts.
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and this made me laugh out loud Rachael. of course it’s true, as the man said: who ya gonna believe them, or your lyin’ eyes? thanks for the lovely, and kind, props. continue…
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I was going out to get groceries for the week, but, uh, I guess I should just stay home and pray? Nah! I think I’ll go anyway “just because, and also on account.” I love that line, Tony. 🙂
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thanks Re, i smiled as i wrote it, and hoping someone would appreciate it as a parody of their reasoning power, that and it’s total vagueness…so a big thank you. continue…
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I don’t have time tomorrow, think I can ask for a delay?
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i dunno Val…the bus is idling…ok. 🙂 thanks for the comment. continue…
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And somewhere, Harold Campings accountant is rubbing his hands together with glee….
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wow EG, ya pulled that one outta the ether man. cool. thanks…and he sure is. continue…
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I meant great post not great pot.. or maybe will need some of that for the rapture 🙂
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Ok, having a moment here..this is satire, right? If not I’m gonna be rather irritated as I have a hair appt at 6pm and that means I have to be raptured up with a bad haircut and faded highlights..
another great pot!!!
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hahahahaha…i like the pot. Lynne, move the appt up ya gotta look good for the trip. thanks. continue…
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I think it was a Freudian slip. What do you think, Tony….?
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Thanks for the info and the smiles. Guess I won’t be buying any green bananas…
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funny Susan…no, buy ’em VERY ripe. i appreciate the comment girrl. continue…
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🙂
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Tomorrow? 5-22p? Happy Hour cancelled? Just my luck…
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no, there will be happy hour up there…just no booze. thanks Jots. continue…
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No. No, Tony….Rapture Happening at Happy Hour….I’d be left behind. Alone. See? …..never mind.
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Oh my you are so right i have seen the carvings and paintings but always though some drunk neander drew them all but now what you said makes so much sense
..I wish it would make to newspaper headlines..but what good will it do we are going to DIE..Thanks for this last act of kindness although it would have been nice if we were informed earlier…you know building ships or something
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Soma, thanks for the witty comment girl. naahh…”no news is good news” continue…
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Fast paced and funny. Vintage. Haha. I expect nothing less.
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thanks Al, i always appreciate your appreciation. glad it gave you a giggle. continue…
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