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Arizona Man Sees Baby Jesus in His Swiss Melt

Dateline: New Blemish, Arizona

I took this picture. Grilled cheese sandwich w...

I took this picture. Grilled cheese sandwich with white bread, American cheese, and tomato soup. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From the New Blemish Daily Morning Movement,

Mr. Wilfred T. Flense, a prominent member of the New Blemish branch of The Tea Party, and a lead tenor in the Evangelicals of America Chorus, told this reporter yesterday that the baby Jesus had appeared to him in his Swiss melt.

“I was havin’ my lunch over at Phil and Darla’s Hits ‘n Runs Diner, and that cute little Laura Sue brought me my sandwich – I like it that they do it real well done there – So anyway, I picked it up to take a bite an’ Lord-a-Mighty – there He was…the baby Jesus.

I swear on all that’s sacred He was snuggled in there between the two slices of toasted bread looking at me all sweet and everything”, an’ He asked me to come closer, so I leaned in real close like…and, in this real, real soft voice, the baby Jesus told me to tell everyone that they should get out and vote for either Mitt Romney or Newt Gingrich. It was a real genuine miracle, only thing is, I had to wait until He had toddled off before I was able to eat any of my sandwich – which I was craving.” Mr. Flense, 63, who his close friends call WTF, is married to the very lovely Edna Flense of Flense’s Exciting Doilies.

Previously, some 3 months after President Obama was sworn in, Mrs. Flense had reported to this paper that a vision of Dick Cheney had come to her while she was under the hair dryer at Mlle. Sharlene’s Maison de Beaut. Mr. Cheney, she said, had whispered to her that he had “very little respect for any of these elitist east coast tree hugging Liberal elitist intellectuals who have ruined our country, fouled our environment, and caused all this economic trouble we are now in.” She said he told her, also in a “real, real soft voice,” that “if it wasn’t for these Progressives we’d never have invaded Iraq…but it was all their noisy unpatriotic protesting that made it necessary.”

Phil and Darla’s Hits ‘n Runs Diner have since added the New and Improved Velveeta to the Swiss, and are now calling the sandwich, which has become their most popular menu item, Sweet Cheeses.



© tony powers and barking in the dark, 2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to tony powers and barking in the dark, with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

About barkinginthedark

Tony Powers is a writer/actor/musician. His full bio may be seen by clicking on the picture, and then clicking on either of the 2 boxes below it.


38 thoughts on “Arizona Man Sees Baby Jesus in His Swiss Melt

  1. I tried to purchase the Hit’s and Runs Diner after this miraculous occurrence; which I seem to remember from some time ago as well -grin-.
    Those damned Tea Party owners wouldn’t sell. Something about Jews-already-owing-the-media so they’ll take my sandwiches, for the love of sweet cheeses, from my cold dead unsanitized fingers.

    I tried. Really. I tried.
    ~Mrs. Goldbergsteinowitz-Black
    Jew York City, New Yotk


    Posted by R. C. Black | April 19, 2014, 10:16 pm
    • Dear Mrs. Goldbergsteinowitz-Black, we New Blemishites have always prided ourselves on our progressive views. Currently, the Hits and Runs diner employs their very own Jew lawyer and Jew accountant. They advised Darla against this sale. We of the New Blemish Town Council are always open to all those of the Hebe – or Ethiopian – persuasion. Thank You, Alderman B.R.B.(Billy Rae Bob)Jukes.


      Posted by barkinginthedark | April 20, 2014, 10:38 am
  2. Hits and Runs!!!!

    This was a great spoof on something that already seems like a story only The Onion could devise. It’s a bonus that you have a photo of my favorite lunch as a kid.


    Posted by lisahgolden | April 19, 2012, 5:15 pm
  3. Sweet Cheeses. Great name.


    Posted by Lorre | April 18, 2012, 6:47 pm
  4. Absolutely brilliant ! 🙂


    Posted by Single Malt Monkey | April 18, 2012, 12:07 pm
  5. The next offering at the diner will be a grilled cheese hotly seared on both sides: Cheeses Flipping Crisp


    Posted by kitchenmudge | April 17, 2012, 6:35 am
  6. Priceless..”Sweet Cheese”.. Better get a trademark on that real quick like.. I kid you not some fewl will claim it as his divine right..
    (this was hilarious)


    Posted by free penny press | April 17, 2012, 1:10 am
  7. Another one hit out of the ballpark, and I hope you didn’t spend to much time looking for the ham & cheese pic.

    Seriously though, you are good with words. go on…


    Posted by Don in Massachusetts | April 16, 2012, 8:16 pm
  8. I saw a red elephant in the toilet. I’m not shitting you.
    (You always crack me up, Tony. Love it!)


    Posted by girl in the hat | April 16, 2012, 6:55 pm
  9. “Sweet Cheeses” Ohhhh…. grooooaaannn…………
    I saw the Virgin Mary in a pile of poo from one of my dogs. Made me turn back to jesus… I have it sitting next to my bed on an altar now.

    Very well written, Tony. But, I really thought you only wrote fiction………… 😉


    Posted by Michelle at Motley News | April 16, 2012, 4:50 pm
  10. My laughter started with the name of the newspaper and hasn’t stopped yet!


    Posted by Sparks In Shadow | April 16, 2012, 2:27 pm
  11. I wonder….do they know my in-laws?


    Posted by Valentine Logar | April 16, 2012, 2:13 pm
  12. This is a hoax perpetrated by the elitist left-wing anti-bacon forces. I hope this backfires and the world is brought under the twin leadership of Newtie Patootie and Oscar Meyer.

    Imagine, Jesus appearing in a baconless sandwich. I’ve never heard the like…


    Posted by El Guapo | April 16, 2012, 12:39 pm
  13. omg omg omg praise the lord…Do you know one of my gods drank an entire bowl of milk yesterday…well he does that every now and then….so i do believe in all that this holy man said..He is the chosen one and so am I and together we are quite a tribe..praise the lord for all the sightings….
    and hey I know WTF too
    My God what a hilarious( but true) post 🙂


    Posted by Soma Mukherjee | April 16, 2012, 11:01 am
  14. Ha! I love your Sweet Cheeses & Hits ‘n Runs – you’re so funny, Tony. 🙂

    I’ve heard of these visions all over the world. There was one totally ridiculous one after an earthquake some part of the world & someone truly believed that the big hole caused in their back yard showed, in a rock face, the Lord’s impression Himself. It’s just extreme. I’m sure I could shit in the toilet & see Jesus, if I stood contemplating it long enough… maybe give it a poke with the toilet brush… and maybe tear a few bits of toilet paper & let them fall strategically. Positive. In fact I might give it a go, upload a pic.

    Watch this space.


    Posted by WordsFallFromMyEyes | April 16, 2012, 8:38 am
  15. Of course I’m spitting Fresca on the keyboard. Tony, one of these days you’ll get a bill.
    Too fucking funny. Now that Santorum is gone we actually have to contend with WTF, Romney and Velveeta. All of the previously mentioned fitting nicely on their own sammich.

    Wonderful satire doll. My only question…. what the hell are you doing up at this hour? Wait. Never mind. Praise the Lord and Pass the Sweet Cheeses


    Posted by Rachael Black | April 16, 2012, 7:29 am

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