The members of GOOBER (Guns: Our Ordained Blessed Earthly Right) marched on Washington yesterday.
Brandishing various assault rifles and semi-automatic handguns, thousands of GOOBERS descended upon our nation’s capitol to demand understanding for people who slaughter other people in shooting sprees.
“Whut we are askin’ fer is jes’ some common coitesy. We have been vilifahd as crazy, deranged, dumb, or jes’ plain paranoid fer fah too long” said one member who asked his name not be used in this article. “Ah, mahself, need my AR 15 to protect mah family against whut Ah know is sure to come.” He paused to take a swig of something from a jug slung across his chest. “And that there figger that says forty-three per cent of homes with a gun will have a suicide is pure poppycock. Mah cousin Franky Ray Bobby Joe ovuh they-uh comes from a family of ten an’ they’s guns ever-whey-uh in his house and they’s only been one, count ‘em, one suicide outa ten people – that they-uh’s only twenny-fahve per cent. Jes’ do the math people.
A spokesman for the National Rifle Association was handing out leaflets titled; “Taking the Food Out of the Employees of Gun Manufacturer’s Mouths by Banning Guns is Un-American.” When asked what he thought about all the men, women, and children recently killed in mass shootings he said; “I haven’t as yet thoroughly studied these individual disparate events in enough detail so as to be able to render a cogent answer to this complicated question. And while in general I feel for those who have lost loved ones here and there, my greatest sympathies are for the almost forty thousand skilled workers that toil to manufacture some five and a half million of the finest weapons in the world every year for use by domestic and foreign sportsmen. These workers deserve our appreciation and support. Making it more difficult for our sportsmen and women everywhere to obtain one of our products would cut into production and would, no doubt, cost some of these workers their livelihoods.”
Chanting “the second shall be first and the first should be the second” and “come on pussy make my day, try to take my gun away” the GOOBERS marched proudly down Pennsylvania Avenue waving both American and Confederate flags and holding up signs that read such things as; “A GUN IN THE HAND IS WERTH TWO THATS NOT” and; “KEEP YORE SUSHY EATING HANDS OFF MY GLOCK.” Still others carried signs with pictures of George Zimmerman that read “GOERGIE Z FOR PREZADENT.”
Larry Ray Pratt, President of The Gun Owners of USA said “we gun owners only care about the safety of all of our citizens, which is precisely why we think it imperative that all of our citizens be armed. All these, albeit infrequent, random shootings that we are seeing would not happen if the people killed had been armed. We don’t need fewer guns, we need more guns. If, for example, those children killed in the Sandy Hook massacre in Connecticut had been armed with a Glock G-26, or a Ruger SR40, then one or more of those youngsters could have taken out the shooter. They already play all these shooting games on their computers and Game Boys and such, so let’s do the smart thing and arm all our kindergarten, elementary and high school children – it’s just plain old American common sense.”
When asked about the 14 year old Massachusetts high school freshman who shot and killed a 24 year old teacher two days ago and the 12 year old in Sparks Nevada who, on Monday, opened fire on a basketball court wounding two students and also killing a teacher, Pratt replied; “well, that makes both mah cases don’ it? If them thar teachers had guns lak ah suggest they coulda shot them kids first. An’ it also proves that kids can shoot good.”
Another marcher, who also asked to remain anonymous, added; “Mah uncle would have been heah too but his wahf jes’ couldn’t get his sheet cleaned in tahm.”
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