Dateline: New Blemish, Alabama
From the New Blemish Daily Morning Movement,
Mr. Wilfred T. Flense, a prominent member of the New Blemish branch of The Tea Party, told this reporter yesterday that the baby Jesus had appeared to him in his Swiss melt, “I was havin’ my lunch over at Phil and Darla’s Hits ‘n Runs Diner, and that cute little Laura Sue brought me my sandwich – I like it that they do it real well done there, like near burnt to a cinder – So anyway, I picked it up to take a bite an’ there He was…the baby Jesus.
I swear on all that’s sacred He was snuggled in there between the two slices of toasted bread looking at me all sweet and everything”, an’ He asked me to come closer, so I leaned in real close like…and, in this real, real soft voice, the baby Jesus told me to tell everyone that they should get out and vote for either Ted Cruz, or Michelle Bachmann. He said that they alone knew how to fix everything and wipe away all our sins – of course I believe that anyway. It was a real genuine miracle, only thing is, I had to wait until He had toddled off before I was able to eat any of my sandwich – which I was craving.” Mr. Flense, 63, who his close friends call WTF, is married to the very lovely Edna Flense of Flense’s Exciting Doilies.
Previously, some 3 months after President Obama was sworn in for the second time, Mrs. Flense had reported to this paper that a vision of Dick Cheney had come to her while she was under the hair dryer at Mlle. Sharlene’s Chalet de Beaut. Mr. Cheney, she said, had whispered to her that he had “very little respect for any of these elitist East Coast tree hugging Liberals who have ruined our country, fouled our environment, and caused all this economic trouble we are now in.” She said he told her, also in a “real, real soft voice,” that “if it wasn’t for these Commie Progressives we’d never have invaded Iraq…but it was all their noisy unpatriotic protesting that made it absolutely necessary.”
Phil and Darla’s Hits ‘n Runs Diner have since added Velvetta to the Swiss, and are now calling the sandwich – which has become their most popular menu item – Sweet Cheeses.
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