Today, in a hasty, but well attended, press conference at his oceanfront Mar-a-Lago private club with his wife Melania almost at his side – only a couple of steps back and a little off to the side – Donald Trump, confidently using the phrase; “when I am elected,” revealed his plans for The White House.
The White House, Trump said; “Is in tremendous need of some majorly important and incredibly beneficial updating…Something terrific and fabulous to bring it into the twenty-first century. Something that’ll really help the American people. And by the way, we are going to build that wall – and it’ll be terrific. It’ll be a tremendous wall. And Mexico will pay for it. They’ll love the wall. They’ll love it…believe me. And we don’t win anymore, so this’ll be a yuge win for America. Yuge. Portugal beats us, Norway beats us, Andorra beats us…we’re getting killed all over the world because of Obama who, by the way, isn’t even an American. Sierra Leone beats us! Believe me…we’re getting killed my friends…killed. The Galapagos.
My idea is some of that incredible Trump magic that the entire world recognizes as unbelievably great. And, believe me, when I travel anywhere, and I travel a lot – and I’ve been everywhere…the pygmies in Africa love me, I’m telling you it’s crazy – the pygmies – and they’re such cute little things the pygmies. I’ve become close to some of them. You’d love ‘em. Cute little guys. I had dinner with one of them the other night . You’d really love ‘em. They all love me. Everyone. Believe me…and I’m not bragging or anything but everyone – they all love me. What can I say? I’m a lovable guy.”
Reporters were falling over themselves with questions as to what Trump meant by “updating” The White House. Microphones and cell phones were waving at him frantically. Trump gestured to them to all calm down – which they slowly did – and finally he said:
”Okay – here’s what I’m gonna do and it’ll be terrific, believe me. I had this vision. And Melania knows because she was with me at the caviar bar here at Mar-a-Lago when it happened, and, incidentally, isn’t this the most fantastic and unbelievable private club in the world? I mean, who else has a caviar bar? It’s unbelievable. And, the American people will love this idea – my vision. And the Mexicans will love the wall too. Believe me; the big guys, the little guys, the well-educated, the poorly educated – we love the poorly educated, right? And they’re gonna love this idea.”
Reporters began yelling again; “what is it? And, “what do you mean update?” And; ”what kind of plan?”
Again, Trump waved at them to quiet down and when they finally did he said; ”Everybody loves my buildings right? They love them. And there’s a big reason for this. I mean, everybody – wherever I go and believe me I go everywhere. I went to Finland and they loved me. They loved me in Finland. And they’re all so blonde, right? And tall. We love the Finns right? And wherever they are…Borneo…My buildings – everybody thinks they’re terrific. And I was thinking why? Why do people love my buildings…Uzbekistan – they love me there…My buildings, and not only my buildings but everything. My steaks, my shirts, my ties, my water…So…
And these protesters…These Bernie people…they’re really crazy aren’t they? I mean, I don’t like to be violent or anything and I wanna say that hitting someone isn’t good but these people…I mean – Did you see that guy yesterday? I mean, he charged up here – and he must be a pretty good athlete because he leaped over that fence thing and I tell you the Secret Service guys were terrific. Aren’t they? Yeah…you can applaud – they’re terrific. I mean they got that guy and put him down. And, if he had of got to me well…I mean, I dunno how I would’a done but, and I don’t like violence, but I would’a got in a couple of good shots I can tell you.
These protesters…I mean, one at a time right…like they wanna interrupt – that’s all they wanna do – they’re disrupters, and it’s organized – probably by that commie pinko Bernie who they love. I mean, they have these professional looking printed up signs which Bernie probably paid for – right? And the military – we’re gonna build them up and nobody’s gonna mess with us. We’re tired of losing. Everybody beats us. Everybody. We’re gonna build them up good the military. Good. These Bernie lovers are angry people aren’t they? Angry! And violent! The Bernies. I’m gonna sue them and they’ll then have a police record and it’ll serve them right – and we don’t want them to be able to vote anyway the Bernies.
And, all you in the media…you’ve blown it all outta proportion. Don’t see the angry people and the protesters at the Bernie and Hillary rallies huh? Just mine? And, I gotta tell you – I gotta be truthful here – I hate the media. We all hate the media, right? You liberal media guys I mean, not my friends at Fox who tell the truth. Why don’t you show all the anger and violence at their rallies? Do you think that it’s fair? Or balanced?”
A reporter spoke up: “There isn’t any of the violent behavior that your base exhibits at a Sanders or Clinton rally, so why do you say that?”
Trump looked at him quizzically and said “you see what I mean?” He held his arms out wide. “I can’t win with you guys! Believe me I’m gonna win the the White House…but this stuff – this biased reporting…believe me, my audience does not hit anyone. I don’t condone violence. I have never told anyone in my audience to punch anyone. They are not violent. It’s these idiot protesters, these Bernie the communist’s crowd, they’re the violent ones. Blame them…Blame Bernie. Why don’t you guys tell everybody the truth here? I’m the uniter here, not a divider. A uniter. ”
The same reporter yelled out: “But didn’t you say of a protester at one rally, to wild cheers I may add, “I’d like to punch him in the face?” So how can you say you’re a uniter and you don’t condone violence when you said that?”
Trump snarled to his security; “Okay, that’s it! Get that smartass Bernie guy outta here! Now! Drag him outta here and if he resists then smack him around…go ahead, punch his lights out – I’ll pay the legal fees. And I never said that anyway, right?””
As security hustled the reporter out Trump glared. Then; “Now that another Bernie bum is outta the way – back to my incredible idea for The White House? It’s terrific. You wanna hear it or not?? And by the way, I am very Presidential. Very Presidential! I have words…a lotta good words…very Presidential. Way more than little Marco or lying Ted and way, way, more than Commie Bernie or emails Benghazi Hillary. So – this tremendously yuge Presidential idea. You ready?”
He glared out at the crowd with their microphones and cel cams all on him – then; “You know what’s tremendous about all my properties? All my buildings? They all have one incredible fabulous thing in common. My golf courses, my resorts, my wines, they all have this one unbelievably tremendous and fabulous thing in common. You wanna know what it is?”
A reporter yelled out; “Alright, we give up – what?”
Trump looked out at all the assembled reporters and said; “I am gonna have the best, most expensive, stonemasons in the world – maybe the guys from Italy – I’m gonna fly them over on my plane and they’re gonna come and carve the name Trump into all four sides of The White House.
That’s exactly what The White house and the people of this country need. It’ll be fabulous and, believe, me the whole world will love it too. And I’m gonna put it on the wall too…Trump! And they’re gonna pay for it. Mexico! The whole world will be amazed at what winners we are and they’ll respect us. The White House is yesterday – The Trump house is tomorrow. That will be the start of making America great again.
The Trump House…we love it!
© tony powers and Barking in the Dark, 2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to tony powers and Barking in the Dark with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.