Pond ‘O Puke, Hades – In a hastily assembled press conference today at his mansion by The Lake of Fire in Hell’s most exclusive gated community Pond ‘O Puke, and with his wife Ethel at his side, Lucifer, Lord of the underworld, angrily disavowed any suggestion that he was as evil as Ted Cruz.
“I am ablaze with umbrage,” said Mr. Lucifer, “to be likened to such an annoying creature as this Ted Cruz person. And when this John Boehner character who made this statement gets down here he will be sorry he ever said such a stupid thing. To compare me, Lucifer, Lord of the Underworld, with this cretin Ted Cruz is an insult of the first magnitude.
Did I shut-down Hell when the murderers, rapists and pedophiles refused to vote with me on the issue of keeping the flames as high as they are? Or on maintaining the level of puke in the pond? No – I did not! I kept Hell running! Unlike this Cruz creep who couldn’t stand not getting his mean little way regarding Obamacare and then proceeded to bring an entire country’s government to a standstill. This is tantamount to some pimply adolescent who doesn’t get his way taking his ball and going home. Thereby ending the game for everyone. To compare me to this worm is actionable and I will be talking to my lawyers about suing this Boehner nut for slander – and believe you me, down here I have access to the very best lawyers in all of history.”
Ethel Lucifer, known to the denizens of Pond ‘O Puke as Chi-Chi, added; “I have been married to the wonderful LuLu for eons upon eons and I can say without fear of contradiction that my husband in no way resembles this Ted Cruz character. From what I can tell through watching TV this Cruz is the real incarnation of evil, while my sweet husband LuLu is a pussycat in comparison.”
Mr. Lucifer then said; “While I can’t wait for this Trump phony to get down here in the pond – at least he is somewhat amusing and will feel right at home amongst all the other con men who are up to their necks in Pond ‘O Puke. And very shortly, in the scheme of things, this entire Right-Wing Conservative Tea Party will spend eternity sharing Josef Mengeles very small, very hot, already cramped space with Rush Limbaugh, Ralph Reed, Ted Cruz, Bill O’Reilly, Ann Coulter, Jeffrey Dahmer, and Dennis Hastert, all up to their eyeballs in phlegm and smegma in Evil Liar Liar House on the Street of Runny Green Snot. I had to talk my LuLu out of sending Boehner there for his insulting remark – but he just doesn’t rise to the level of vileness exhibited by the aforementioned sorry excuses for humans.”
Ethel Lucifer added: “I want you all to know that I lobbied hard to reserve a spot for this Trump guy over in Endless Diarrhea Village but LuLu overruled me saying we needed a clown in Pond ‘O Puke. I doubt that this Cruz would have cut him the same slack. Cruz may be your everyday garden variety evil but my LuLu is an angel – however far he may have fallen.”
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