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The Ultra Conservative Republican Stars of CPAC Meet in Washington D.C. or: Mommy, I’m A-Scared of the Clowns

The other evening laundries in and around our

Republican presidential candidates are picture...

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nation’s capital, as well as those of the very finest hotels, were kept buzzing deep into the early morning hours in a feverish attempt to get all the necessary sheets laundered, starched, and ironed, in order that the many delegates to the ultra-conservative Republican CPAC conference could appear presentable. “One always desires to wear a freshly laundered white sheet, and in that vein, I should personally like to commend Ah Fong’s over on K Street for their excellent ironing abilities. Those chinks really can press a suit,” gushed one attendee. The early morning seminars were well attended, especially the ones on “Should women really be allowed to vote?” “The fundamentals and mastery of the goose-step,” the Sarah Palin – led discussion on “The link between Karl Marx and contraceptives,” and another very popular seminar “How to hide a gay husband,” which drew an overflow crowd of rapt Republican women. All the talk around the “whites only” water cooler centered on Callista Gingrich’s new tiara; said one impeccably starched Republican doyen, “she is the very epitome of conservative Republican womanhood.” Added another, “I thought my tiara was grand, but who could outshine Callista? And it isn’t easy, mind you, to fit a tiara over a somewhat pointy hood – and to carry it off in such grand style. Also, taken in tandem, the hood and the tiara do tend to flatten one’s carefully coiffed head, but in dire times like these one must be willing to make grave sacrifices.” Meanwhile, at the “blacks only” water cooler the four attendees discussed who appeared whiter. The annual “Who’s more conservative?” contest was won by multi-millionaire J.C. “Buddy” Smeck who entered the event – to great applause – borne on a sedan chair, carried by four genuine Nubians. “I checked their provenance myself” he said. At the sight of the Nubians, many of the women oohed and ahhed – while fanning themselves frantically as they whispered heatedly among themselves – the words “Mandingo” “probably huge” and “well-hung” were heard – and quite a few of the women were seen to swoon dead away. Among the many issues raised in the afternoon, the highlights were, “Why isn’t cross burning more acceptable?” “Should gays be allowed in public?” “Has slavery been given a bad rap?” “The guillotine – pro or con?” and “Why the mere thought of an erection should be considered the first sign of life.” Rush Limbaugh was a big hit with his speech on stricter marijuana laws in conjunction with privatizing prisons. He also made an impassioned plea for the legalization of oxycontin. Ann Coulter revealed, to great applause (and to the last seventeen people who didn’t know) that she was a drag queen – and then did her dead-on impersonations of Marcus Bachmann and Mitch McConnell. Mitt Romney, who had to follow Coulter’s amazing tour-de-force, made a good impression anyway with his sober talk on the continuing need for the existence of poor and uneducated people because, as he so wisely noted, “Who else will fight and die in our wars, as well as pick our crops for next to nothing?” He also elaborated on the matter of school availability so dear to the heart of every ultra-conservative Republican when he said “We must re-dedicate ourselves to the effort to make sure that we only educate the right people.” This last delivered with a sly Romney wink. The audience gave that remark a standing ovation accompanied by many “Hear, hears” – and assorted “Harrumphs.” Newt Gingrich then took the podium to deliver his talk; “Obama – why isn’t he married?” which prompted many in the audience to nod their heads and turn to ask each other; “Yes, why isn’t he?” And then it was left for Rick Santorum to deliver the fiery “Our special threeway – How Jesus shares our bed” which had the entire crowd breathing hard and waving their lit diamond encrusted Cartier lighters. After the speeches, a bejeweled platinum blonde patrician, having removed her hood in order to better sip her fourth martini, sniffed that she was a proud homemaker, devoted wife, and mother of eight, who couldn’t “understand how these socialist feminazis get away with so much backtalk and sass – do they not know their place?” She asked, and then; “they seem to have very little respect for our Christian family values?” Turning to her husband, she waited for his nod of approval – and then smiled. A bit later she was seen giving a double blow-job to two prominent billionaires in the men’s room as they tongue kissed each other.

Promptly at seven pm the huge masked and robed crowd, led by Pastor John Hagee and Ralph Reed, chanted “Eeny, meeny, miny, mo, catch a nigger by the toe” and then stood as one and lustily sang “Dixie”, before breaking for more pre-dinner cocktails, followed by a twenty-four course banquet served by a temporary minimum wage staff of 200 from the homeless shelter across town, visual proof, as one portly wag commented, “That we are charitable, we are Christians, and we are the job creators.”



© tony powers and Barking in the Dark, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to tony powers and Barking in the Dark with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

About barkinginthedark

Tony Powers is a writer/actor/musician. His full bio may be seen by clicking on the picture, and then clicking on either of the 2 boxes below it.


22 thoughts on “The Ultra Conservative Republican Stars of CPAC Meet in Washington D.C. or: Mommy, I’m A-Scared of the Clowns

  1. we need help from people who were sweidlnd out of their money from renttoown 1 . com they changed the contract gave a fake address and stole our money i know of a case done to the chow family in the review journal christopher chow was decieved into believe he was purchasing a home when in fact scott mccabe commited fraud against this family as stated by the lawyer of the people who did own the home. las vegas lets this man commit fraud and steal from people and this government is terrorist


    Posted by Ada | July 17, 2013, 5:50 am
  2. Once again, the master’s fingers have graced his keyboard and filled the internet with superb writing. Truly amazing, but so frightening.


    Posted by She speaks.... | February 15, 2012, 1:21 am
  3. It was hard for me to read this after getting fired up and saddened again, silmultaneously, by PBS on a Monday night in February. Because of that I have no doubt that much of what you wrote gets to the heart of what these awful people are about.

    Even though I couldn’t laugh, I was taken by how spot-on your satire was, and by how your writing flowed. “Obama – why isn’t he married?” was my favorite line. The stupidity over there astounds me.


    Posted by Sparks In Shadow | February 14, 2012, 8:44 am
    • Thank you so much for this comment Re, while it saddens me, as it does you, that pieces like this have to be written, and are so frighteningly close to the truth of what these people are, i am so glad that your favorite line in the piece is my favorite as well. when i wrote it i went “yessss”…but i wondered, even as sharp as my readers are, if anyone would pick up on all that the line represented. The most terrible thing about these people is that they are not stupid, they know exactly what they are about, they are just plain mean, and, as such, deserve all of our enmity. thanks again for this heartfelt and perceptive comment. continue…


      Posted by barkinginthedark | February 14, 2012, 8:31 pm
    • Re, to put a finer point on it…the people who follow these criminals are the “stupid” ones. the CPAC’ers themselves are a cold, calculating, mean bunch of swine. see Norquist’s speech at CPAC. thanks again, continue…


      Posted by barkinginthedark | February 15, 2012, 2:03 am
  4. Oh so brilliantly done! And so close to the truth. I couldn’t not write about it, but what I did doesn’t even come close to this hilarious piece of art.


    Posted by lisahgolden | February 14, 2012, 4:05 am
  5. Not sure what’s worse – how hard I laughed at the double blowjob scene, or how much I expected it.
    Surprised there were no observations from the “Our Jesus is better then your Jesus” lecture.


    Posted by El Guapo | February 13, 2012, 5:27 pm
  6. The titles to the seminars are genius (“How to hide a gay husband”) !!! but just the thought of white sheets….the stuff of horror movies…..


    Posted by MJ, Nonstepmom | February 13, 2012, 1:47 pm
  7. Don, you’re right…one of my dear friends said the same thing. scary huh? thanks for the comment. continue…


    Posted by barkinginthedark | February 13, 2012, 5:14 am
  8. To mentioned on my blog it was going to be brutal, and as I am reading this post, I kept imagining that these right-wing shit heads are so close to how you envisioned it, that some of the shit they say, act and do is most likely true.


    Posted by Don in Massachusetts | February 13, 2012, 1:50 am

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