Three of America’s finest minds sat down to dinner the other evening at Restaurant Alain Ducasse at the Essex House in New York, and all agreed to tackle one of the foremost questions facing this country right now. Donald Trump, Rick Perry and Rush Limbaugh were in solid agreement that President Barack Obama’s birth certificate maybe, j-u-u-u-st maybe could be, might actually, you know, really be not real…definitely maybe. They agreed that this was still the major problem confronting our country now. They also discussed why it would be a “disaster” if a woman should ever become President.
The men, who might have a combined IQ approaching 280 – if Trump and Limbaughs’ managed to reach 200 – had, in their own words, “quite a frank and fruitful discussion” at the restaurant where, according to its website, the tasting menu, sans wine, starts at $325. After the oysters and the Krug Clos d’Ambonnay champagne ($2,701), Perry, in what he later called a heady moment of “jes’ us good ol’ boys bondin’,” reached into his pants, pulled out his gun and showed it to Trump and Limbaugh who gushed in tandem; “what a fabulous, incredible gun you have. It’s just the right size…it fits in my hand so perfectly – like it was made for me to hold.” Then Trump exclaimed: “Wait a minute! I’m having one of my many outstanding and monumentally hugely genius moments! I think it would be a fabulously brilliant and incredibly huge idea for me do an upscale line of haute couture guns! The The Donald Collection! (yes, he did say “the” twice) He then went on; “I could have an incredibly handsome photo of me holding one of my designer assault rifles with – wait for it – this is huge… the slogan; Wrap yourself in the safety of my arms.” He sat back and beamed…and then suddenly jumped up and blurted out WAIT – this is brilliant! I should spell wrap as rap you know – R-A-P…which’ll appeal to all these illegal Mexican immigrants because…well, you know. Yo, I’m a Mex wit’ a gun, an’ I’m here from Culiacan, gonna rape evvyone, or my name it isn’t Juan …” The three of them roared.
After they had explained the slogan to Perry and they all rapped “Yo, I’m a Mex wit’ a gun…etc” the three again shared a hearty guffaw, chugged their ’82 Petrus ($5,499) and ordered another bottle. (At this point Limbaugh’s oxycontin kicked in and he promptly fell face down into his 48 oz. porterhouse – with a double side of mashed potatoes)
As Trump and Perry continued on over their double cote de boeufs with Alba white truffles Trump showed Perry his gun, which Perry wrapped his hand around, and was mighty pleased to see that it was about the same size, give or take a half an inch. Perry said afterwards; “Ah wuz afraid that The Donald’s gun maht have bin biggah than mah own, but ah wuz sorely relieved that mah gun was jes’ as big – whew.” The two men left their guns out as they discussed the most important issues of the day, such as; was Obama’s birth certificate really really real – and how to get around the tax laws.
Limbaugh, who by now was deep into drooling into his steak suddenly popped his head up briefly to ask Trump “ooh, c’n nI hol’ your gun too hmm?” And then once again promptly fell face down, this time into his double side of heavily buttered mashed potatoes.
Said Trump later; “Limbaugh is an incredibly bright guy and it’s not his fault he needs medication to stay upright. I think it may have been that second bottle of Petrus that got to him. Hey – it could happen to anyone! As far as Rick is concerned; I think Rick’s a very impressive guy, and he’s very ready for 2016 – not as ready as I am of course but…after all he’s been governor of Texas for a long time and Texas has done incredibly well. It’s a fabulous state.” He went on to say; “the fact that students in Texas currently rank 47th in the nation in literacy, 49th in verbal SAT scores and 46th in math scores means nothing! Nothing! Neither does the fact that it is the nation’s leader in minimum wage jobs, and has more people earning the federal minimum wage or less than any other state. Nor do the facts that it is tied with Mississippi for the highest percentage of minimum-wage workers – which is not such a bad thing you know – and also has the lowest worker’s comp coverage. None of this means anything! And so what if Rick cut the Texas educational budget by 4 billion dollars this year? That was a huge waste of money, and anyway, that’s just some socialist progressive liberal hooey like all these facts (here he made the air quote thingee) These facts (again the air quotes) are just hearsay, completely biased, total lies, and not based on any kind of evidence whatsoever – and you can definitely believe me on that!”
Earlier during dinner, before Limbaugh passed out into his food, they all agreed that we need many many more minimum wage workers and more often than not too much education can be a bad thing – a very bad thing. Though Trump did say: “when I’m elected President I’ll see to it that my fabulous education plan succeeds.” When Perry and Limbaugh asked him why he would even bother to have such a plan, and what this education plan was, he said, “I’m telling you it’s a tremendously fabulous plan! It’s huge! Just take my word for it!” Which they both did.
They then had a lively discussion on why it’s good for everyone that there’s no inheritance tax.
Three and a half hours later, and after two more $1,000 bottles of Petrus, Limbaugh came to just in time to order dessert. He then ate the mashed potatoes off his face while waiting for his order of four crème brulees explaining groggily “Obb bonn na strick diet.” He then proceeded to fall face first into the crème brulees.
When presented with the check Trump noticed an overcharge of one dollar and thirty-seven cents, and, outraged he and Perry left the restaurant in a huff – without tipping – dragging the semi-conscious babbling crème brulee-covered Limbaugh with them. After the valets managed to stuff Limbaugh into the back of Trump’s Limo they drove away to shoot off their guns somewhere in the dark out in The Hamptons.
© tony powers and Barking in the Dark, 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to tony powers and Barking in the Dark with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.