Led by Republican Senator The Right Reverend Billy Willy Joe Bob Goober of Mississippi, a crack team of ex-Blackwater assault troops called Kochs Kommandos pulled off a coordinated surprise pre-dawn raid on the five of the seven sisters, a group of liberal arts women’s colleges in the Northeast, the two exceptions to the raid being Radcliffe and Vassar which are now co-ed. “We wanted tuh surprise dese heah babes in dey-uh beds” said Goober, “an’ it appee-uhs we wuz successful.”
The women totaling some ten thousand plus including faculty, and ranging in age from eighteen to sixty-five were rounded up, dragged off in various stages of undress and night dress, herded into various jails, and booked in the early morning hours on charges of “indecent exposure, overt and extreme feminism, and wanting to “control their own bodies.” The woman pictured here on the right with the pro- Planned Parenthood sign was arrested two hours earlier.
When their lawyers demanded an explanation of the charges Goober replied, “Eggs-pluh-nay-shun? We don’ need no day-um eggs-pluh-nay-shun – jes’ look at ‘em – deys not even dressed prop-uh lak.” President Cruz who ran on the Donald Trump slogan – and all-time best selling bumper sticker – “He Won’t Let Bad Things Happen”, determined that he couldn’t see anything “bad’ in the raids and instructed his Attorney General Rick Santorum to “stay out of it.”
President Cruz also added, “According to Attorney General Santorum, there’s nothing in the Constitution that says anything about women having the right to control their own bodies, or having the right to legal counsel.” President Cruz further said, “I believe this is a States rights issue and I believe that Attorney General Santorum is correct in remanding this case to Mississippi because technically it comes under The Right Reverend Senator Goober’s jurisdiction. As such I have no other recourse than to instruct AG Santorum to load these law-breakers onto a train and get them down there asap. Of course, they do have the right to a speedy trial…and of course they’ll either have to represent themselves, or they can use a court appointed lawyer, who, I am sure will be competent.”
Senator Goober himself added,“‘N if’n dey wants, Ah’ll be glay-ud to have me an’ mah boys give ‘em dese day-um titty ex-ay-ums deys so all-fahred up about gittin – as if it mattuhs – ‘cept to give some of dem dey-er elitist doctuhs dey-uh jollies.”
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