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Led by Republican Senator The Right Reverend Billy Willy Joe Bob Goober of Mississippi, a crack team of ex-Blackwater assault troops called Kochs Kommandos pulled off a coordinated surprise pre-dawn raid on the five of the seven sisters, a group of liberal arts women’s colleges in the Northeast, the two exceptions to the raid being Radcliffe and Vassar which are now co-ed. “We wanted tuh surprise dese heah babes in dey-uh beds” said Goober, “an’ it appee-uhs we wuz successful.”
The women totaling some ten thousand plus including faculty, and ranging in age from eighteen to sixty-five were rounded up, dragged off in various stages of undress and night dress, herded into various jails, and booked in the early morning hours on charges of “indecent exposure, overt and extreme feminism, and wanting to “control their own bodies.” The woman pictured here on the right with the pro- Planned Parenthood sign was arrested two hours earlier.
When their lawyers demanded an explanation of the charges Goober replied, “Eggs-pluh-nay-shun? We don’ need no day-um eggs-pluh-nay-shun – jes’ look at ‘em – deys not even dressed prop-uh lak.” President Cruz who ran on the Donald Trump slogan – and all-time best selling bumper sticker – “He Won’t Let Bad Things Happen”, determined that he couldn’t see anything “bad’ in the raids and instructed his Attorney General Rick Santorum to “stay out of it.”
President Cruz also added, “According to Attorney General Santorum, there’s nothing in the Constitution that says anything about women having the right to control their own bodies, or having the right to legal counsel.” President Cruz further said, “I believe this is a States rights issue and I believe that Attorney General Santorum is correct in remanding this case to Mississippi because technically it comes under The Right Reverend Senator Goober’s jurisdiction. As such I have no other recourse than to instruct AG Santorum to load these law-breakers onto a train and get them down there asap. Of course, they do have the right to a speedy trial…and of course they’ll either have to represent themselves, or they can use a court appointed lawyer, who, I am sure will be competent.”
Senator Goober himself added,“‘N if’n dey wants, Ah’ll be glay-ud to have me an’ mah boys give ‘em dese day-um titty ex-ay-ums deys so all-fahred up about gittin – as if it mattuhs – ‘cept to give some of dem dey-er elitist doctuhs dey-uh jollies.”
© tony powers and Barking in the Dark, 2012, revised 2015. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to tony powers and Barking in the Dark with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Barking In The Dark 
She’s got a bag. You never know what she might be carrying.
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Posted by lorrelee1970 | February 12, 2012, 3:34 pmyup…and she could be a terrorist too. thanks for the comment Lorrelee. continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | February 13, 2012, 12:08 amGreat post Tony. As always. Had to plus one AND tweet this. Thank god for the sanity and satire you place in my inbox. You are one of very few bloggers I actually look forward to reading; I never walk away without learning something new. Even if it’s a new amusing facial expression.
A lesson more people (actually an entire party of them) should avail themselves of.
And… a belated Happy Birthday my friend! Be well.
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Posted by Rachael Black | February 4, 2012, 3:45 amthank you so much Rachael, high praise indeed coming from a fine mind. and me and puxatawnee phil thank you kindly for the b’day wish sweetheart…trust all is well. GO GIANTS! continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | February 4, 2012, 7:02 amUnreal. This world scares the crap out of me sometimes. Okay, most times…
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Posted by SusanWritesPrecise | February 4, 2012, 12:58 amyup…and getting more unreall-er by the minute. thanks Susan. continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | February 4, 2012, 1:17 amI started my registration for the 3-Day walk in Chicago yesterday morning in honor my aunt, got home saw the news… not happening now.
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Posted by On My Square | February 3, 2012, 8:03 pmyup. we win this one. thanks Rob. continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | February 4, 2012, 12:27 amp.s. your aunt would be proud. continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | February 4, 2012, 1:18 amVice President Bachmann had no comment, as she was being submissive at the time.
In a related story, Bachmann ball gag sales have gone up 479%.
Jackasses all. I fear for our national sanity, but the laughs help me get through, Tony. Thanks,
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Posted by El Guapo | February 3, 2012, 5:37 pmhahaha…me too. thanks EG. continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | February 4, 2012, 12:28 amp.s. thanks a lot for tweeting it. i appreciate it man. continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | February 4, 2012, 12:29 amMy pleasure. I do that whenever I see a post tweet from the blogs I follow. Hope it got you some hits – the more people reading you, the better!
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Posted by El Guapo | February 4, 2012, 3:52 amEG you always crack me up. Along with Tony you’re in my top 5 reads. Even your comments are better written than 99% of the actual blog posts out there. -grin-.
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Posted by Rachael Black | February 4, 2012, 3:47 amThank you, Miss B.
And now I’m blushing.
surfing the web, eating potato chips, but blushing…
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Posted by El Guapo | February 4, 2012, 3:53 amwould you two like a room? 🙂 i love it. continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | February 4, 2012, 7:06 amYou have such a gift for satire. I tried to explain to my 13 year old daughter the blow up with the Komen Foundation and she got stuck on the idea that people worry about women who aren’t related to them in any way having abortions and access to contraception. It seemed like nonsense to her. “Why should they care?”
Where I grew up in small town America, the most vocal anti-choice families were the same people who took their teenage daughters to the local physician for quiet, private procedures they called D&Cs. I’m sure their cash bought both his silence and plenty of missing medical records.
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Posted by lisahgolden | February 3, 2012, 2:39 pmi’m with her…she has her mom’s brain. thanks Lisa h. continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | February 4, 2012, 12:30 amSenator Goober….Which one?
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Posted by MJ, Nonstepmom | February 3, 2012, 2:26 pmhahahaha…any one of ’em. thanks Janet. seems they backed down – hurrah. continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | February 4, 2012, 12:31 amYou know the chick with the Planned Parenthood sign has to be dangerous. She can spell Parenthood.
Red.
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Posted by Red | February 3, 2012, 11:04 amu got that right Red. thass a danj’rus puhson. thanks. continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | February 4, 2012, 12:32 amRed: hahahahahaha
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Posted by Rachael Black | February 4, 2012, 3:53 amSo well written, this actually frightens me.
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Posted by She speaks.... | February 3, 2012, 6:37 amYes, it’s appalling that they’re trying to escalate the war on women being healthy. What’s cool is how you made it so damn funny while making the point.
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Posted by Sparks In Shadow | February 3, 2012, 6:12 amAppalling.
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Posted by Frugalistablog | February 3, 2012, 5:22 amand more. thanks for reading F. continue…
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Posted by barkinginthedark | February 4, 2012, 12:34 am